It Won't Be Long!

Our social worker called me just a little while ago.  She told me that our meeting on January 8th will actually be our first class.  We will be going through the DT (Deciding Together) class, rather than the MAPP class and it will only take about seven weeks.  If everything goes according to plan, we should be finished around February 19-20!  Then, we will be ready for background checks and a home visit.

Anxious

Now that school is over for me for the semester, I have a lot more thinking time.  I'm starting to feel anxious to get our adoption journey started.  January 8th is 20 days away and it doesn't seem like it can get here fast enough.  Thankfully, Christmas is nearly upon us, my little brother is coming "home", my dear friend is coming to visit, and we will be heading to Arizona for a week vacation.  I'm shopping tomorrow with a friend and then will do some work around the house.  I also still need to wrap all of our gifts.  Time will fly, but the few days before everything starts up will crawl by.  I hope I can get some sleep!

A Meeting Set!

On January 8th, we will be meeting with a social worker to get things started for fostering to adopt!  I'm so excited!

I still haven't heard about the private adoption situation, so I'm fairly confident that the opportunity has passed and that it isn't meant to be.

No News and Good News

No news:
We have yet to hear anything on the potential private adoption situation, so I'm not holding my breath that anything will come of it.

Good news:
The recruitment officer from the foster/adopt agency we have visited with called me today.  It sounds like she wants to get things moving for us as soon as possible.  She plans to take a day soon to do a walk-through in our house to give us a head's up on what will need to be taken care of prior to our home study.  She wants to do our fingerprinting and background check on the same day.  It also sounds like they want to put is through the more accelerated class, which will take less than seven weeks to complete.

We'll plan to continue on with our plan to foster/adopt.  If anything changes, we'll do what is best for us.  I need to leave this in God's hands and trust He has a plan for us and the child who is waiting to come into our family.

Feeling Cautiously Optimistic

Today, I heard about a potential match for us for a private adoption.  We had all but given up on private adoption because of the costs involved, but this situation is different.  I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much, because I know the possibility of the adoption not happening.  However, I am being cautiously optimistic.  Hopefully we will be parents to a new baby boy this coming May!

Thanksgiving

Today is Thanksgiving and it is a time to count our blessings.  I always try to write out what I am thankful for so that I can look at it when I am feeling down and discouraged.

I am thankful for my beautiful, funny, smart daughter.
I am thankful for my handsome, hardworking, husband who keeps me laughing.
I am thankful for our marriage and that it feels like it gets better and better with time.
I am thankful for our health and that we three are not sick today.  (Both my husband and daughter were in the last few days).
I am thankful for our modest, fixer-upper home.  I love it and don't plan on moving ever again.
I am thankful for my husband's job.  He worked so long and hard to get it and we will never forget that.  It isn't a high paying job, but it is his dream and he excels at it.
I am thankful to have (nearly) one semester behind me as a full-time college student (for the second time).
I am thankful that I do not have to work while I am going to school.  Things are tight, but not so much so that I have to spend even more time away from my family.
I am thankful for the little town in which we live and also our church.
I am thankful for my musical ability.  I may not be a professional, but I throughly enjoy making music in several different ways.
I am thankful for our decision to adopt.  It has been a long, painful road to get to this point, but I know we are closer to child #2 every day.

...I could go on and on!  I am truly blessed.

Gut Feelings

My friend showed me a neat DIY craft blog and it gave me some ideas on how to decorate our third bedroom.  I went to Hobby Lobby to browse supplies and thought, "I wonder what my second child will like."  At that thought, I had the strongest, most visceral feeling come over me.  It was as if I was being told that we absolutely have another child soon, and that we are finally on the right path to them.  I had the same feeling last night when Undercover Boss was talking about adopting children from foster care.  The feeling is so powerful it almost brings tears to my eyes every time I hear or think about it.

I cannot wait to get this process started!

Because I Love to Torture Myself

This morning, I took a pregnancy test.  This is our first unmonitored, unmedicated cycle in two years.  I checked the calendar to see when I should expect good ole AF, and it appears that I am overdue.  I know that when I'm not taking Clomid all bets are off on my cycle length, so the calendar doesn't count for much.  I decided to test this morning, just in case.  Of course it was negative.  I knew that before I took the thing.

::sigh::  I'm banning all HPT's from our house from now on.

More Signs

Tonight, I caught the tail-end of an information session for a foster/adoption agency.  There were five women there and I learned that three of us are from the same tiny town.  The lady giving the meeting said that it will probably be possible to get a MAPPS class right here.  That would be fantastic, as we wouldn't have to make another trip to 'town'.  I shared this information with my husband and another friend who is interested in taking the class, and we are all excited and hopeful!

An "Aha!" Moment

I received more paperwork in the mail today from a foster agency.  It spurred me to question, yet again, why it is that we are being led to adopt--and if that is truly the message we are supposed to receive.  Then, it hit me.  Of course we are meant to adopt.  You might ask what makes us so special, but I have a pretty firm idea of why.

My husband and I both had difficult childhoods.  Without going into specifics, I experienced a young life of neglect and my husband experienced abuse.  We came together at a young age (I was 17, my husband was 18) and clicked instantly.  I believe that we were given to each other at a point in our lives when we needed each other more than we could know.  As adults, we have been rejected by one facet of our biological families and have chosen to remove ourselves from another, for the sake of safety and sanity.

On the happier side of this story, we have also been accepted, nurtured, and loved by a family that is not biologically our own.  Also, we have also created our own, happy family within our home.  Our home is our sanctuary from the unjust and sad things in the world.  While we cannot keep all the bad out, we have a positive place where we can support and uplift each other.

Because of our experiences, I believe that we can relate to an adopted child.  More than likely, a child with whom we will be matched will have come from a situation similar to ours.  We have truly been adopted by a family that didn't necessarily have to accept us, let alone welcome us with open arms as their own.  We know that a family doesn't always mean that you are biologically related, but instead one that is open and loving--regardless of genetic makeup.

Planning

We received an application in the mail today for adoption through a foster care agency that is different than the one I spoke to a few days ago.  I decided to go ahead and fill it out to see how they work.  On the form, they have the choices of  foster care, adoption, and both.  That is reassuring to me.  The only hang-up with this particular agency, thus far, is that we would have to travel 30 minutes for the classes.

Also, I decided that over Thanksgiving break, I am going to begin preparations in our spare bedroom.  Right now, it is kind of a catch-all, so there is a lot that needs to be done.  I hope to get it painted and mostly cleaned out.  Then, over Christmas break, I will get more serious.  I want to look into purchasing a crib that coverts to a toddler bed.  Our ideal child to adopt would be an infant, but we are also going to look at children up to two years old--maybe three years old, depending on the situation.  If we have a crib, we can just take the front off and have a toddler bed.  I also need to find a dresser.  We have a nice rocker/recliner in our daughter's room that will need to be moved into that room (for rocking babies to sleep!).  I will go through our daughter's toys to get the younger ones out and into a tub in that room.

I have spoken with several people who have experience in the fostering/adoption world, and it is reassuring to have a great network and wealth of information.  I know we are going to have a million questions along the way and maybe need someone to hold our hand, so we are grateful for them all.

Wow

Today is a two-fer post day.  I've been listening to "For Those Who Wait," over and over lately.  I first put it on my blog while we were still hoping to get pregnant.  I've been concentrating on the lyrics and it hit me just now how exactly fitting it is for our situation.  Here are the lyrics.

This is for those who wait

Another day, another waiting game
A little different but it's still the same
I am here, but where's the one I'm longing for?
I'm having trouble feeling all alone
Will my heart ever find a home?
I want to hope but sometimes I just don't know
I know I'm not the only one

So we sing a lullaby to the lonely hearts tonight
Let it set your heart on fire, let it set you free
When you're fighting to believe
In a love that you can't see
Just know there is a purpose
For those who wait

I want to open up my eyes
I know that all I need is time
I'm growing stronger every single day
God, I'm going to lean into You now
Letting go of all my fear and doubt
I can't do this on my own so I'll give You control
I know I'm not the only one

The pressure makes us stronger
The struggle makes us hunger
The hard lessons make the difference
The pressure makes us stronger
The struggle makes us hunger
The hard lessons make the difference
And the difference makes it worth it

Frustration

I just received a call from the lady from the foster-to-adopt agency.  She explained to me that they are now requiring families who want to adopt to be strictly foster parents to start.  I asked her for how long, and she said it depends.  Then, she went on to tell me about a family who fostered a little boy for a year.  I told her that I wasn't sure that is something we are able and willing to do.  If we didn't already have our daughter, maybe it wouldn't matter as much.  However, I am not willing to have someone in her life (as a sibling) for a year and then have them removed.  We are also not willing to take children older than her.  Not only that, but it will take us even longer to adopt a child of our own if we have to foster for x amount of time.

The lady is sending us the information, but I feel so discouraged right now.  First, there is no way that we can afford an adoption through an agency or a private adoption, and now we may not be able to do fostering-to-adopt.  I just want to scream.

A Lady Who Knows

"I have been through a lot and have suffered a great deal. But I have had lots of happy moments, as well . . .The good, the bad, the hardship, the joy, the tragedy, love, and happiness, are all interwoven into one single indescribable whole that is called life. You cannot separate the good from the bad. And perhaps there is no need to do so, either." -Jackie Kennedy.

And So the Rollercoaster Ride Begins

I received a letter today from the adoption attorney, outlining her services and what to expect along the way.  She requires $5000 to be placed in a retainer account at the time that a birth mother is matched with the family.  She also charges $200 an hour and $50 an hour for her assistant.  We would be expected to pay some of the living and medical expenses of the birth mother up to six weeks after she has given birth.  In order to have more extensive information sent to us, we must respond with a $250 check.

Compared to working with an agency, her fees are next to nothing.  However, it is still a lot of money for us to just write a check for.  I don't know how we'd be able to do it, particularly knowing that the birth mother could back out at any time, leaving us with nothing to show for it.  We would lose all of our money in that case.

I feel like we've hit a brick wall and we are barely out of the starting gate.  I was so hopeful and excited before I read the letter.  ::sigh::

The First Step

After speaking to a woman who had a wonderful experience fostering-to-adopt in our area, we have decided to pursue it as well as private adoption.  Our hope is that by casting a wider net, we will be successful much sooner.

I sent an email to an adoption lawyer and a social worker.  I also sent an email to about 100 people and posted a link to my blog on Facebook.  I'm hoping that, very soon, we will find the child who was meant for us.

We appreciate all of the support we have received already.  I already have more hope and feel like we will have another child.

A Change in Direction

If you look around my blog, you may notice that I've made some changes.  This represents a change in direction for us.  I have taken my cycle ticker and link down and also added a word to my header: adoption.

Before we began trying for child #2, my husband (maybe half-jokingly) mentioned adoption.  At the time, I said I thought it was a lovely idea, but that I wanted another biological child.  Two years and one miscarriage later, I am ready to pursue adoption.

We want nothing more than to expand our family by one more member.  We know that we have room in our hearts for another child--in fact, we ache for it.  We want our daughter to have a sibling, friend, and playmate.  We want to give our extended families the joy of another grandchild.  Clearly, we need a change in game plan to reach our goal.

My husband and I made the decision yesterday.  We have also decided that we will start the process very soon.  We will begin consulting with a lawyer as soon as we can and prepare for a home study.  We are also going to let anyone and everyone we know that we want to adopt.  We are hoping to adopt through a private situation, meaning we will not go through an agency.  We'll, essentially, have to find a birth mother on our own.  An agency situation would be lovely, but it is extremely expensive.  I cannot imagine paying $40,000 for the process.  We've also considered fostering-to-adopt, but that requires eight weeks of classes, four hours at a time, to become a certified foster parent.  If we didn't already have a million other things going on, we would go that route.

So, lots of hope and prayers.  We need them.  I know we are meant to have another child.  I hope they find their way to us soon!

It's Over

Just an hour after I posted my last blog entry, my period showed it's ugly face.  That means we will not try for another baby until July 2011.  I am devastated and angry.  I don't even know what to 'say' at this point.

If you know someone who wants to give a baby up for adoption, let me know.

Watch Out for Falling Temps Ahead

I stopped taking my temperature this morning.  Yesterday morning, my temp fell below my 'coverline,' and the two days before it weren't too exciting, either.  It is heart-breaking to believe in something and have it evade you...constantly.  I had so much hope for this cycle, but I am now starting to feel the sting of defeat.  Obviously it isn't over until my period shows up, but this is ridiculous.  In just a few days, we will be finished trying for another baby for nine months.  I shake my head at the thought that people can get 'knocked up' on accident, be on drugs throughout a pregnancy, or already have a whole slew of kids and get pregnant again...and yet we can't have just.one.more.  That's it!  I am not asking for too much, at least I don't think.  Apparently God, the universe, whomever, doesn't think that I can handle it.

Be prepared for an even bigger rant in a few days.  ::hangs head::

Confirmation

Today, fertilityfriend.com gave me solid cross hairs based on my morning temperatures.  That means that it determined that I, indeed, ovulated.  This time, we had great timing, so I'm trying to be optimistic. 

My friend and pastor's message yesterday was on the need to pray unceasingly when something is terribly important to a person.  I have been doing that quite a bit this cycle, but decided to make it essential to any quiet moment that I may have.  This is our last active cycle (as I've said probably ten times, now...lol) trying to concieve until next summer.  I'm trying to keep the faith and ask for a miracle to be given to us now.

October 15

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.  I know a lot of people who are 'coming out' with their miscarriages today, which is a major step for them in their healing process.  I hope that they receive the support they have been missing!  I have always been very open with my infertility and miscarriage, and it has been very comforting to me to have people to lean on.  (Of course, it sometimes warrants inappropriate comments, but that can't be helped.  Some people don't know what they are saying is hurtful.)

Tonight, I will be lighting a candle for the baby we lost a year ago at 7:00 pm, CST.  I invite anyone who has lost a baby or is close to someone who has to do the same, in your own time zone.  We will be contributing to the 'wave of light' that goes around the world in honor of our beautiful angels.

One Year

One year ago today, a baby who was very much wanted was lost.  We didn't know until four days later.  Today was our daughter's fourth birthday party.  We have several balloons, so I took one for our baby.  I wrote on it, "We love you and miss you, Baby K," and set it free.

Tough times...

One More Cycle

I had my appointment with my OB this morning.  I was very agitated before he came into the exam room, because I had to wait almost an hour to see him.  I was already on edge because of my circumstances, so my hopes of having a good appointment were all but dashed.  However, as the last time I visited with him, my OB made me change my tune right away.  He is so personable and I can tell that he has paid attention to my chart and knows what is going on with me.

When he came in, he had a frown on his face.  He said, "When I saw your name on the schedule, I was really hoping it was for happy reasons.  When you left my office three months ago, I was sure that the next time I'd see you would be for your first prenatal appointment."  He told me that my charts looked good and the progesterone draw I had done my first cycle back on Clomid show that I am ovulating.  He told me that the next step could be doing a complete fertility workup on both my husband and me.  He shook his head again and said that he didn't feel like we needed the scans since we've been pregnant twice--the first with no trouble conceiving whatsoever, but he would get me started on them if I wanted.  He recommended that if we start any testing, to start with the sperm analysis since it is easy and relatively inexpensive.

I told him that our plan was to try for one more month, then take off until next summer to avoid having a baby in the middle of a semester.  Then, we would like to try again for a few months.  If we do not conceive, then we would like to proceed with adoption.  I told him that, in my research, gluten-intolerance can lead to infertility and miscarriage, so I wonder if my body still needs time to heal before being able to support a pregnancy.  He agreed that it was certainly a possibility.  He told me about a patient who had one healthy pregnancy and then went on to lose two pregnancies toward the end of the first trimester.  Her father was diagnosed with Celiac Disease, so she was also tested.  She was positive and went on a gluten-free diet.  He said that within a matter of months, she was pregnant--with twins, no less, and was able to carry them to term.

He said that our plan was a good one and that he didn't feel like he had contributed much to the conversation...lol.  I told him the fact that he was there, shaking his head yes, was all I needed.  Well, and a new Rx for more Clomid.  :)

I have a little more hope than I did in the last couple of days.  I don't want to get overly excited, because I know it is a good possibility that we will not become pregnant, but I'm glad to have a doctor who genuinely cares and wants us to succeed.  When he handed me the Rx, he said, "This is it.  I know this is it!"  I hope he's right!

CD 1

Unfortunately, I had another negative pregnancy test this morning.  That was followed by spotting and some cramping.  If CD 1 isn't today, it is sure to be tomorrow.

I have an appointment with my OB tomorrow to try something other than Clomid, but I'm not sure how much we'll proceed.  This will be the last cycle we try to get pregnant until July 2011.  I'm very sad about that, but I know it is for the best.

My husband and I discussed adoption again this morning.  He wants to have another baby, for sure, regardless of how the child comes to us.  I told him that it is a real possibility that adoption may be our only option.  He is fine with that, but at what point do we proceed?

At this point, I think I'd like to try again next summer, just for a last go at it.  I've only been gluten-free for three months at this point, so perhaps my body isn't healed enough yet to carry a pregnancy.  Maybe it will have been healed enough by then.  If we do not concieve successfully next summer, we will more than likely procced with attempting a private adoption.

Have I said that I hate this process with a passion?  I do.  I truly, truly do.

12 DPO

I took a pregnancy test this morning at 12 DPO.  I wasn't expecting much, but there is always a tingle of excitement that I try to stifle.  Unfortunately, the test was negative.  It may still be too early, but I'm not holding out much hope...particularly since AF showed on what would have been 10 DPO last cycle.

Ho hum.  I have an appointment on Friday morning to visit with my doctor about other options.  We only have one more cycle before we stop actively trying until next summer.

The Two Week Wait

"The two week wait," is killing me.  My temperatures were not looking very good, but then I had a nice jump this morning.  I'm trying not to get my hopes up, because I know there is a very real possiblity that my period will show in a week or less.

I made a consultation appointment with my OB for October 1st, yesterday.  I figure he'll want to see me at the beginning of my next cycle in case testing needs to be done on certain days.  I hope, hope, hope that I get to cancel it because I am pregnant, but I wanted to be prepared.  I'm not sure how we will proceed if I am not pregnant, as we will probably stop actively trying to concieve after my next cycle.  I don't know how we would be able to manage with me having a baby in the middle of a semester, so we will take another break.  I'll be sad about it, but I know that is probably what is best for the long run.

I need a miracle!

My Story on facesofloss.com

http://www.facesofloss.com/2010/09/sylvia-mom-to-baby-k-lost-on.html

Thank you for publishing my story!

Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Entering the Two Week Wait

According to my chart, I ovulated yesterday.  That means I have two weeks before I either get a positive pregnancy test or my period.  I'm not sure what is worse--waiting to ovulate, or waiting for (more than likely) AF.  Either way, I'm very impatient!

Never Forget

Eleven Months

Eleven months ago, we were on our way home from vacation in Colorado.  We'd had a great time and enjoyed the trip as our last vacation of a family of 3.  I was overjoyed at the thought of being pregnant after struggling with secondary infertility.  I had no idea that the baby we wished and prayed for had passed away.  Two days later was my daughter's third birthday.  I talked about my pregnancy and got many congratulations.  Two days after that, I started bleeding.  I went to my doctor for what should have been my first OB appointment.  I had a sonogram and it was determined that our baby did not have a heart beat.  Late that night, I began to miscarry naturally.  The next morning I had another sonogram and was told I would need a D&C.  That day also happened to be my birthday.

Also, a year ago today, I got my BFP.  (Big fat positive...pregnancy test).  09/09/09 is a hard date to forget.  I told my husband two days later on 9/11 so that he would have something to celebrate instead of (only) feeling sad about the WTC/FDNY.

Today is a somber, sad day for me.  I'm struggling with these 'milestones' more than I imagined that I would.

A Beautiful Quote

From time to time, I come across things that are comforting or inspiring and I like to share them here on my blog.  While searching for a quote about infant loss, I found this.  It made me cry in the computer lab of my university, but I thought it was too beautiful not to post--all over the interwebz.  LOL.

"They say that time in heaven is compared to 'the blink of an eye' for us on this earth. Sometimes it helps me to think of my child running ahead of me through a beautiful field of wildflowers and butterflies; so happy and completely caught up in what she is doing that when she looks behind her, I'll already be there."

No May Baby

AF decided to make an early appearance today.  I started spotting last night, but today there is no doubt.  Today would have been CD 26, which is at least 4 days early for me.  I'm a bit disappointed, but at the same time, I'm looking forward to this new cycle.  As my friend pointed out, going gluten-free may be straightening my body out, which would cause AF to come in a timely manner.

This will be my last cycle with Clomid, I assume.  My doctor said we'd try Clomid at 100 mg for 3 cycles and then move on to something else.  This is cycle #3.  Oy.

Unsure

My temps are telling me that I did not ovulate this cycle, but it is hard to tell.  My sleeping conditions and waking times varied greatly from the beginning of my cycle to around (expected) ovulation.  I should be temping still, but I have gotten lazy in the last few days.  I've essentially given up hope on this cycle, so I'm waiting for it to end.

We will probably actively try for another pregnancy until October, due to scheduling conflicts after that point.  ::sigh::

Day of Hope

I just found out that today is, "The Day of Hope." This was taken from http://august19thdayofhope.blogspot.com/


The Purpose of This Day
In society pregnancy, infant and child loss is seen as a taboo subject.

Why is this?

August 19th is a day to break down the walls of society that keep pregnancy, infant and child loss a hush hush subject. People view the death of a baby as just a sad thing that happened.

These babies that die are not sad things that happen. They are people, much loved and wanted children. They are brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, grandsons and granddaughters.

August 19th is about openly speaking about these children and celebrating their short lives.

By having this special day once a year we get people speaking about pregnancy, infant and child loss. And by doing this we break those walls down so that people are not afraid to speak about these children anymore.


They provided these lovely images to be shared. I couldn't choose just one:

Visual Disturbances

Last night, I had something very strange happen. I went from a dark room to a bright one, and realized that something was wrong with my vision. It seemed as though my peripheral vision was in slow motion. I relaxed on the couch and everything returned to normal within about an hour. I went to bed later and realized that I needed to take my medicine, so I got up and went to the kitchen. When I turned the light on, the visual disturbance had returned, even stronger. I remembered that Clomid can cause this to happen. Generally, it is considered a bad side effect, but it did not last. So far, my vision has been normal today, but I haven't had any big changes in light like I did last night. Hopefully it was a fluke thing and will not return. If it does, I may not be able to take Clomid anymore. :(

Evil, Evil Gluten

While I was at the leadership conference, I was able to eat gluten-free, thanks to the catering staff. I didn't realize that the special piece of paper in my name tag was to tell the staff that I need to have gluten-free meals until halfway through the conference. I felt a bit pretentious having special food made for me, but it was nice to not have to worry. Despite their efforts at keeping me healthy, I 'glutened' myself anyway. We went to the hotel bar and I had one drink too many, which impaired my judgement. One of my friends asked the bartender to bring something over for us to snack on. After he set the pretzels on the table, I grabbed a few and ate them. I suddenly realized that I could not eat them, but it was too late. (I'm still shaking my head and rolling my eyes at myself!) Needless to say, I'm itching again still. Thankfully, my legs are almost entirely healed, but now the rash is on my back and palms of my hands. Ack! I also 'glutened' myself yesterday by drinking a flavored water. When will I ever learn to read every label?!

I'm taking Clomid now, which is always a delight. Actually, this round hasn't been too bad thus far. I've had a few hot flashes, but it has been so hot outside that sometimes it is hard to tell if it is the meds or the weather. I'm hoping so much to get pregnant this cycle. I would be due toward the latter part of May, which would be perfect. I was also due with the baby we lost in mid-May, so it would be nice to have a happy reminder in May. No pressure, though. *sigh*

A Learning Experience

This isn't related to this blog, but I wanted to write my feelings out about my experience early this week. I attended a leadership conference with a group from my church. I learned a lot about leadership, including one definition, "leadership is the ability to disappoint people at an acceptable rate." I thought that was very interesting...and also very true.

I also learned a lot about myself on our trip. I had several people comment on things that I had said or done, which was very much out of the ordinary for me. In fact, I laughed so hard that I cried about how ridiculous it was. I tend to think of myself as a wallflower who people do not pay much attention to. However, I feel now that people may actually be listening. As I said in the conference, that is a great tool to have for leadership, but also adds some pressure! I was also given probably the biggest compliments of my life there, which certainly made me feel good. I don't typically have much self-confidence, and this week gave me a little more. I hope it can stay now that I'm back in the real world.

Feeling Defeated

Yesterday, I had my two-week follow up with my MD. I told him that I have felt so much better being gluten-free. My joints no longer hurt, my rash was clearing up, and I generally have more energy than I can ever remember. I also told him that I ate some Arby's fries coating in flour on Thursday and immediately broke out in a red, itchy rash on my hands. I also felt as though I had taken a sedative and my tongue went numb. He looked and me and said, "Hmmm. Well, your blood test was negative." He said that he doesn't know what is wrong with me and suggested that I get a Cortisone shot to clear up my rash's reappearance.

I am very frustrated that it seems he didn't hear what I told him about my absence of symptoms and then sudden reaction when I ate something containing gluten. Just because my blood test was negative, doesn't mean my symptoms don't mean anything. I've read many times that if dermatitis herpatiformus is present, a blood test may be negative, because the antibodies are in the skin, rather than in the blood stream. I said before that I didn't care what the blood results were, but it would have been nice to have validation. I don't think my doctor will take what I'm feeling seriously since it isn't show in the lab work. :( I wish he would have at least said, "If being gluten-free makes you feel better, then stay gluten-free." He didn't even acknowledge what I've been doing.

On the reproductive front, my period showed up around midnight last night. (Not sure why my fertility friend ticker is wrong, here). I'm glad to be moving on to the next cycle. I'm going to remain gluten-free and make sure we TTC as much as possible between CD 12 and CD 16. Get ready, Husband! :)

Progesterone Check

Today, I had my blood drawn for a progesterone check. I hope that my numbers are high, indicating that I ovulated with the assistance of Clomid.

I've continued my gluten-free diet and am noticing a difference in how I feel. My hands no longer hurt in the morning, but they are still a bit weak. I must have accidentally eaten gluten a couple of days ago, because yesterday my rash got worse again...and I spent a lot of time in the bathroom. Regardless of what my blood tests show, I will remain gluten-free. I've heard and read time and time again that people with celiac disease do not always have dermatitis herpatiformus, but nearly everyone with dermatitis herpatiformus have celiac. That, coupled with the difference I've noticed in myself in just the past week, is enough to convince me that gluten is the enemy.

I've been dealing with a wide range of emotions lately. I'm very, very sad to be giving up gluten. I knew that I was a carb-loving girl, but I had no idea just how much I relied on gluten-products to keep me happy. There are alternatives, but none that I've found so far are as good as the 'real' thing. I'll learn to like what I'm eating, though, if it is for the greater good of my overall health. Thankfully, the internet is a great source of information and resources!

Going Gluten-Free

Today, I had an appointment with MD. I talked to him about my joint problems, my rash, and my infertility and miscarraige. One of my husband's coworker's kids were just diagnosed with Celiac Disease, and my symptoms sound very similar to theirs. My doctor said that my rash is a combination of eczema (which I knew I had) and Dermatitus Herpetiformus. The DH is related to Celiac Disease, or at the very least, a gluten intolerance.

So, as I await my test results, I am going on a gluten-free diet. If I have CD, it is a possiblity that eliminating gluten from my diet will be a cure-all for my problems...including infertility.

I'm sad about cutting out some of the foods that I enjoy so much, but if it makes me feel better and allows me to get and stay pregnant, I'm all for it.

A Song for Our Angel Baby

I have a mix CD in my car at the moment that I switch over to when there is nothing good on the radio.  There are several Josh Groban songs on it.  One is my inspirational song.  This, however, is my song (of late) for our angel baby.  This was the best recording of it that I could find.

Sabotage!

Disclaimer: This post will contain TMI.  You have been warned!

It will be a miracle if I become pregnant this cycle.  I feel like Fate is trying to intervene so that I don't get knocked up!

First, I have a horrible rash of some sort all over my legs.  It spread to my throat and arms.  It isn't attractive and it hurts and itches at the same time.  Then, I discovered that I have a yeast infection.  It is on it's way out, but that, coupled with Clomid, dries everything out.  I ordered some Pre-Seed to help with the issue, but it has yet to arrive.  (It says it shipped on the 12th...from Missouri.  It should have been here by the 14th.  Grrr).  So, I sought the advice of women in a similar situation as me.  They recommended that I drink green tea like crazy.  I happened to have some in the cabinet, so I immediately starting drinking it yesterday afternoon.  I think that I had 6 glasses from 3 pm until about 10 pm.  That was a mistake!  I was so ramped up on all of the caffeine that I didn't sleep at all last night.  I told my husband that I'd like to BD this morning before he left for work (he works 24 hour shifts), but we were both completely exhausted from not sleeping.  I must have kept him up with my tossing and turning.  Add in that our daughter came to bed with us some time this morning, and it feels almost hopeless.  I took my temp this morning after a couple of hours of sleep, and it was way out of the range of normal for me.  I'm not even going to count it.  :(

On the positive side, I'm hoping to get a positive OPK today.  I've never had a positive before, so it gives me hope that things are shaping up in my body.  I've taken two in the past two days and there is a definite difference in the darkness of the second line.  (An OPK looks like a pregnancy test.  You will get two lines almost always, but the test line must be as dark or darker than the control to be considered a positive for ovulation).  Even if we don't get pregnant this month, maybe that means we can next month.

Test Results In

I've been anxiously awaiting the results of my hormone panel.  I became impatient today, and called the office.  The secretary connected me with the lady in the lab.  She told me that she didn't know how to interpret the results, so the doctor would have to take a look at them.  I was a bit frustrated that she hadn't given the results to my doctor before this.  I want to know!

Anyway, a couple of hours later, she called back and told me that my doctor had said that everything was okay. I'm torn on the results.  On one hand, I'm glad that my results were (I assume) normal.  Perhaps that means it won't be much longer before we get to have a successful pregnancy.  On the other hand, I was a bit hopeful that something would show up as being abnormal, and that whatever was wrong could be 'fixed'.

So, we proceed on.  Today is CD 10, so hopefully ovulation will be in the next 3-4 days!

Hormones

In case you were wondering (as I was) what hormones I was tested for and why, this is what I found:

Hormone to Test	Time to Test	Normal Values	What Value Means
Follicle Stimulating Hormone (FSH)	Day 3	3-20 mIU/ml	FSH is often used as a gauge of ovarian reserve. In general, under 6 is excellent, 6-9 is good, 9-10 fair, 10-13 diminished reserve, 13+ very hard to stimulate. In PCOS testing, the LH:FSH ratio may be used in the diagnosis. The ratio is usually close to 1:1, but if the LH is higher, it is one possible indication of PCOS.

Estradiol (E2)

Day 3

25-75 pg/ml

Levels on the lower end tend to be better for stimulating. Abnormally high levels on day 3 may indicate existence of a functional cyst or diminished ovarian reserve.

Luteinizing Hormone (LH)

Day 3

< 7 mIU/ml

A normal LH level is similar to FSH. An LH that is higher than FSH is one indication of PCOS.

Second Opinion

Today was my second opinion appointment.  Leading up to the appointment, I felt guilty...almost like I was going to 'cheat' on my doctor.  I thought my last appointment went very well, so I considered cancelling this appointment.  As I sat in the exam room waiting for the doctor, I told myself not to expect anything.  I thought he'd probably verify what my other doctor had said and send me on my way.  I was pleasantly surprised.

He asked me to go over my IF history, even though it was clear that he had gone over my chart.  He made a few notes that made me feel as though some things were missing from the chart.  He told me that since I've had two pregnancies, he didn't suspect I had an issue with my anatomy nor did he think the issue was with my husband.  I told him that I got my period on my own the last two cycles, but that the cycles were 38 and 37 days.  He told me that the general rule is that if a cycle is longer than 35 days, there is an ovulation issue.  (Which we already knew, but it verifies it yet again).  He said that Clomid was a good drug and that he would have me continue using it for the next 3 months, but wanted me to take 100 mg, rather than the 50 mg the other doctor Rx'ed.  If I am not pregnant by then, we will take a different approach.  He also had labs drawn to check my hormone levels (FSH, LH, and Estrodiol).  Luckily, my appointment was perfectly scheduled and I am on CD 3--the day that these hormones are checked.  He will have me return to check my Progesterone level after ovulation.  My other doctor only checked my Prolactin level, despite my request to do further testing.  My new doctor seemed confident that we will get to the bottom of my infertility and will end up with a healthy baby...hopefully sooner than later.

I am very pleased that I kept my appointment and will be officially changing doctors.  I felt like he is on a mission to get this resolved as much as we are.

AF is Here!

This morning, I took a pregnancy test (negative) and then immediately took my first dosage of Provera.  The next time I went to the bathroom, AF had arrived.  Talk about ask and ye shall recieve.  LOL.  My cycle this time was 37 days, which is on the longer side, but not too unmanageable.  My last cycle was 38 days.  Both were unmedicated and on a break from charting.  I will begin charting again in the morning and Clomid on CD 5.  I hope that since my body has at least partially been working on it's own, I will be able to get pregnant soon and be able to have a healthy baby.

Side note: I have an appointment today to talk to a doctor about/possibly be tested for RA.

Not At All Unexpected

I decided tonight to take a pregnancy test--my first in a few months.  I'm on CD 32, so I figured if there was a sliver of a chance, I could get a positive tonight.  Unfortunately, it was negative.  So, it looks like I will be starting Provera this weekend and then on to Clomid.

I hope this is it.  PLEASE let this be it.

Do.Not.Scratch!

Ugh.  I want to crawl out of my own skin right now.  I have eczema completely taking over the backs of my legs and more bug bites than I can count.  I woke up several times in the night, scratching like crazy.  Unfortunately, scratching my 'owies' just makes them itch more and (some of it) spread.  I have two different creams that I apply like a mad woman and will get another tomorrow.  *sigh*  One of the joys of summer.

On the TTC front, I'm still waiting for AF or waiting to take Provera.  I'm hoping for the former to show up sooner than later.

Doctor's Appointment

I had my annual exam with my OBGYN this afternoon.  I told her that we had taken a break for the past two months, and she was fine with that.  She understood the stress and disappointment that we have been through.  I told her that we were ready to start trying to get pregnant again as soon as this cycle ends.  She was supportive of that decision and said that she is willing to go as far as we'd like.  She said that they will do up to IUI's in their office.  I don't think that we will go that far, but it is good to know that it is available.  She also suggested that I may want to have an HSG done.  (They would shoot dye into my uterus and fallopian tubes and then watch it on an x-ray).

We will for sure be starting Clomid again next cycle.  I will start over at 50 mgs, which is a relief.  I filled my Rx a couple of months ago, but never took it.  She had me taking 150 mgs at that point, so I already have what I need.

I'll be getting a second opinion on July 6th.  I feel pretty good about my appointment today, but I would still like to hear from another doctor what I should do.

Not related to my reproductive tract, she gave me a Rx for my eczema.  (YAY!)  She also suspects that I may have rheumatoid arthritis.  I will be making an appointment for blood tests to determine if RA is the case.

I'm feeling excited about starting to TTC again.  I think the break has been good for me, however difficult it has been at times.

Long Time, No Post

It has been over a month since my last post, but I haven't had a whole lot to write about as far as trying for a baby is concerned.  I was able to get my period on my own last cycle, so that was a good thing.  Only time will tell on this cycle, since I'm hypothetically halfway through at this point.  We are at a crossroads as to what actions we should take.  I'm torn on seeking further infertility treatments or not.  I'm considering switching doctors to see if the new doctor can give me more answers.  I think that if what is wrong with my reproductive tract is an 'easy' fix, we'll pursue whatever it is to make it work correctly.  If it is more of a serious, ongoing issue, we'll probably stop fertility treatments.  We've agreed that we will continue to try for another baby, either aggressively or passively, for the next two years.  If we do not have a child of our own in that time, we will work toward adoption.  More than likely, we will pursue a foster to adopt situation, as traditional infant adoption is ridiculously expensive.  Of course, the entire thing will be an emotional roller coaster.  I know that, in the end, everything will work out the way it is supposed to, but the waiting and dreaming is killer.

Today is My Due Date

"Dear Lord, I would have loved to have held my baby on my lap and told him about You, but since I didn't get the chance, would you please hold him on Your lap and tell him about me?"

It's an appropriately gray day here today.  I had big plans to celebrate our angel baby's birthday.  I wanted to release a balloon at the top of a beautiful hill and plant a raspberry bush.  Unfortunately, Mother Nature had different plans.  We were not far from the balloon release site when bad weather moved in.  Tornado sirens sounded just 10 minutes after we left.  I am quite disappointed.  I was able to spend the day with my husband and daughter, though, so it wasn't a complete loss.

I've been a bit teary a few times today, but not as bad as I expected.  I suppose I've spent the last couple of weeks dreading this day so much that it when the day finally arrived, it is just another day.

It's Been a While

I haven't posted in a while, because I've had trouble dealing with my feelings.  I was hugely disappointed by my BFN a few weeks ago and now I'm sad about the situation at hand.  After much deliberation, we have decided to take a break from trying for another baby.  The stress of it all was getting to be too much.  We will start trying again in July.

I feel quite defeated.  I don't know why it is taking so long to get (and stay) pregant, but as far as I'm concerned, it better be a damned good reason.  I feel like we'll be starting a square one again when we start back up in the summer, which is depressing in itself.  It took us 16+ months to get where we are, which is really nowhere.  I'm not sure how long we'll continue TTC after we begin again before we call it quits for good.

We've talked about adoption, and my husband is very into the idea if we cannot concieve on our own.  However, the cost is far too great for our meager earnings.  It usually costs in excess of 20K.  That is something we just cannot manage.

At this point, we need a miracle.

Sixteen Months

Sixteen @#*$!@ months.  That's how long we've been trying for another baby.  How is it, then, that I took a pregnancy test this morning and it was negative?  Still!

I'm so pissed and upset.  I can't even put it into words.  Right now, I'm ready to quit.  I'm tired of charting, temping, obsessing, testing, having side effects all for--what?  NOTHING.  How is it that teenagers and other less fit (at least so it seems) people can pop them out like a machine gun?  Eff this.  Eff it all.

No News

I don't have any news to report.  I'm idling in the 2WW, still.  I don't plan on testing until at least the 19th, so 6 more days.  I still feel different than I have in previous cycles, so I'm hoping it's for a good reason.

So, not much to say, but I'm still here!

I Should Really Shut Up

...because I got solid cross hairs on my chart today, which means I ovulated.  We had awesome timing, so we'll see if anything comes of it.  I hope and pray that this is our cycle.  Friday marks 6 months since our miscarriage and April is 16 months of trying for another baby.  I'd love to be pregnant now so that I can get through my due date (May 12) a little easier.  We'll see.

Usually at this point, I have pregnancy symptoms.  Clomid is a lovely little thing and does that to me.  So far, I don't.  I'm hoping that is a good sign.

I found out two more people that I know are pregnant.  It gets harder and harder to hear with each one.  *sigh* I know it has nothing to do with me, but it still sucks that I can't join them in their bliss.

Frustrated

I'm getting frustrated with this cycle already...what's new?  LOL.  I normally ovulate (with the help of Clomid) on CD 13 or CD 14.  Today is CD 15 and it appears that I may be ovulating today.  That is, if my temperatures go up and stay up tomorrow and beyond.  I will be terribly disappointed if I do not ovulate.  I need at least a chance of getting pregnant this cycle!

It's Gettin' Hot In Here!

The first couple of days on my doubled dosage of Clomid went by easily.  I had no side effects to speak of.  I almost made a blog post about my disbelief at my luck.  Oh, how quickly things change!

I've been sooo hot lately.  If you know me, you know this is not at all common for me.  I'm almost always cold.  I slept with no covers on and the window next to the bed wide open last night.  I don't feel hot tonight...at least thus far.  I'm sure it will catch up with me around 3 am.  :)

The good thing about all of this is that I took my last pills tonight.  It's almost time for game on.  I would really, *really* like to get pregnant this cycle.  Really.

Crisis Averted

Last night, I realized that I had forgotten to call my doctor's office to request my monthly Rx of Clomid.  The doctors are not in on Fridays, so I started to panic.  I'd just given Joe a hard time about needing to be around when the time is right, and I ended up being the one to drop the ball this time.  I decided I'd try to call this morning, just in case they had a nurse there.  Thankfully, they did.  I asked for my Rx and figured that would be the end of it.  A couple of hours later, I got a call from them.  She'd spoken to my doctor and called my Rx in to the pharmacy, only this time, she wants me to take 100 mg rather than my usual 50 mg dosage.  Oy.  I have enough side effects as it is with the 50 mg.  I hope I don't have too much extra trouble with double the dosage.  On the other hand, I'm hoping that, regardless of the side effects and their intensity, the increased dosage will cause me to get pregnant this cycle.  I'm teetering on the edge of being excited at the new potential and nervous because of the unknown.

As a side note: my blog has reached over 2000 hits!  I think that is wonderful.  Thank you so much for reading!

Cycle Day 1

AF is rearing her nasty head.  It's official...on to the next cycle.  I'm trying to hold out hope for a Christmas baby.

Not Dealing Very Well

Warning:  I'm going to be terribly bitchy in this post.  

Tonight, I am having a hard time dealing with my situation.  I'm not pregnant, but I'm still waiting on AF to show.  I hate this part of my cycle, because I'm almost always bummed out.  Right now is particulary hard and I suppose it will only get worse from here on out.

Why, might you ask?  I'll tell you, kind reader.  I'm surrounded by pregnant people.  Literally.  Almost every week, I hear of a new pregnancy.  (Bonus: I got to hear of one yesterday and one today!  Go me!)  I've lost track of just how many people I know who are pregnant.  I'm not going to count for you, because that will just pour more salt in my wound.  Also, all of the people who became pregnant the same time that I did are getting ready to pop.  Sweet.  Good for them, obviously, but really, really crappy for me to see. 

I didn't want to become bitter.  I wanted to be happy for everyone and be satisified in knowing that their pregnancies and healthy babies have nothing to do with my failed pregnancy and miscarriage.  Unfortunately, today is not that way.  I'm pissed at the universe.  WHY is it that unwed teenagers are popping out babies?  HOW does that make sense?  It makes me want to scream...and I just may.

Frick.

*Le Sigh*

I was so anxious to test this morning that I couldn't sleep last night.  I kept waking up and tossed and turned.  When our daughter came in when dawn had just broken, I took my temperature as I always do.  It was up from yesterday, so I was very hopeful about testing.


I did the test and then didn't allow myself to look at it for a minute (the time it takes to have a result).  Aaaannnnd....it was negative.  Humph.  I swear, all the waiting and anticipating for nothing.  Stupid body.  Stupid Clomid for making me feel pregnant when I'm not.  Stupid timing.

It isn't completely over yet, but I know there isn't a whole lot of hope to cling to at this point, either.  Ack!


C'est la vie.

Testing on Friday

My two week wait is nearly over.  Somehow, I've managed not to take a single pregnancy test yet.  I haven't purchased any tests, either, to avoid temptation.  I will, however buy a few tomorrow.  I'll wait to test until Friday morning when I am 13 DPO.

Drum roll, please...

Another Funny

I just came across this online.  I thought it was hilarious.  Since I'm in the 'two-week wait' right now before I know if I'm pregnant or not, I don't have much to report!

The Good and The Sad

I am feeling mixed emotions right now.  Today marks 5 months since we lost the pregnancy.  I cannot believe that much time has passed and where I should be in a pregnancy.  It's tough.

On the positive side, my temperatures jumped quite a bit this morning, resulting in 'cross hairs' on fertilityfriend.com.  The cross hairs pinpoint when ovulation occurred.  As I mentioned in my previous post, our timing was spot-on, but I would have liked to have a little more of a cushion.  I'm going to try very hard to wait until AF is late to take a test!  It is going to be hard!

In Just a Few Hours

In just a few hours, I'll know if I ovulated yet.  I'm thinking I did--one day early.  That may or may not be a good thing.  Our timing was good, but could have been better.  I would have liked to have had a safety net of the day before and the day after ovulation to 'baby dance,' but we got it in on the day of (unknown) ovulation.

Stay tuned, folks.

Random fact: When I was in 2nd grade, one of my spelling words was, 'of'.  I got it wrong by spelling it 'ove,'.  All these years later, I still catch myself spelling it that way!  (I did it above...lol)

Nothing New to Report

I'm waiting to ovulate, so there is really nothing to report.  Since I haven't updated in a while, I thought I'd post something fun for a change.  It is no secret that I have a big crush on Craig Ferguson.  (He's intelligent, handsome, hilarious...and Scottish.  What more do you need?)  He did this intro before the song was on the radio.  Any time I'm having a hard time smiling, I look this video up.  Enjoy!

Aunt Flo is in Town for a Visit.

I'm quite shocked that my period came on it's own today.  That is a really good thing, considering the fact that I usually have to use Provera to get it started.

It's hard to not be pregnant right now, particularly since I was so sure.  However, you gotta keep moving, so onward ho!

Is It Over Yet?

Well, sports fans, I'm afraid I am not pregnant.  I have yet to get my period, but all of my pregnancy symptoms have disappeared and I have gotten nothing but 'big fat negative' pregnancy tests.  In 4 more days, I'll test again.  If it is negative, I'll start another round of Provera to bring on a period. 

I had a break-down-and-cry day a few days ago.  I was so down in the dumps that I didn't even write about it here.  Thankfully, I have a loving, supportive husband who helped carry me out of my pit of dispair.  Love that man!

If I have to take Provera to start a period (and it is looking that way), my next cycle will be our last chance for a 2010 baby.  Wowza.

Patiently Waiting

I'm at 11 DPO.  I took a pregnancy test yesterday morning and this morning.  Both times were negative, but it is still early in the game.  I just couldn't wait to start testing!  I'm having a lot of symptoms, so I'm hoping this is it!

• Tender, heavier breasts (my very first sign with both of my pregnancies)
• Occasional dizziness
• Slight nausea
• Feeling hungry faster
• Skin breakouts

Since I took Clomid, it is hard to say if these things are due to pregnancy or just lingering side effects from the medication.  Hopefully we'll know very, very soon!  I'll keep you posted!

Ladies and Gentlemen, We Have Crosshairs!

...and solid ones at that!  I just entered data into fertiltyfriend.com and it says that I ovulated a few days ago.  I don't ovulate on my own, so this is huge!  We'll see in a couple of weeks if it was successful!

Long Time, No Post

What the heck happened to me?  Who knows.  I get distracted easily.  :)

Let's see...I took Clomid on CD 5-9.  My side effects while taking the pills were mostly minimal.  I felt a little more on edge, had some acne break outs, and experienced some vertigo from time to time.  Other than that, it was smooth sailing.

I'm now on CD 17.  It has yet to be determined if I have ovulated or will ovulate.  However, I started to feel some twinges a few days ago.  I brushed them off, thinking maybe it was ovulation.  Tonight, the twinges have been more like period cramps, so I did some investigating.  Upon poking around on my lower abdomen, I found a tender, swollen area under the skin.  If my memory serves me correctly, this is exactly how things played out on my last cycle of Clomid.  That tender, swollen area grew to be the size of my hand.  My doctor said that if I develop a cyst, I'll have to take the next cycle off to allow it to go down.  That's what happened last time and looks like the path I'm walking down now.

The upside to all of this is...the cycle I had to take off due to a cyst before was when I became pregnant.  Then again, that ended in miscarriage, so it may be a Catch 22.

As usual, only time will tell...

Progress

In case you didn't see, I am now on CD 3.  After waiting for quite a while, Provera finally came through and brought on my period.  In two days, I will begin Clomid again.  I hope that the side effects are not as bad this time around.

Anyway, that's about it!

Letting Go

I'm preparing now to become a full-time college student.  I thought for a moment--again--about waiting to try for another baby until I am finished with school.  That would make my daughter at least 7 years older than her sibling.  I was so sad about the idea of waiting, but thought it would probably be best.  Then, I talked to my husband about it.  I asked what he wanted to do and he said that we should just keep trying.  We don't know how long it will take to have another baby at this point, and we'll worry about daycare and school when we come to it.

I truly believe that we will have another child when the correct time comes...in my heart.  In my mind, I'm always planning.  Always counting out nine months from each new month on the calendar.  Always stressing out about the future.  There isn't anything I can do about it, though, so I'm trying to let go and relax.  I'm going to keep on trying, taking my fertility meds, etc., but know that a baby won't happen before he or she was meant to.  If we get pregnant right now, we'll have a late October/early November baby (see--I told you!), and I have to have faith that it will be okay.  I also have to have faith that it will happen.  Eventually.  When it's supposed to.  Right?

Woops!

Apparently, I either cannot read or don't know what year it is.  Either way, the trip to England that the choir I'm trying out for is taking is this spring, not next spring.  Honestly, that was my whole reason to consider taking a break trying for a baby.  So, I guess it's game on (at least for now)!

A Realization?

Everything happens for a reason.  That is my mantra time and time again, even if I don't see the reasoning right away.  (And even if I say it while barely believing it).

Today, I may have seen a reason for something that was kind of a bad situation.  I'm a second-time college student.  I became burned-out after going to college for 3 years with no summer breaks (took summer classes) and discouraged when spending the extra time in class didn't get me to my degree any faster.  I wasn't working while in school at that point, so we were extremely poor in addition.  So, I dropped out.  We got married and had our daughter.  About 2 1/2 years ago, I decided that I really did want to finish my degree, so I went back to school.  I've been taking classes online for 2 years and plan to start school on-campus in the fall.  I also plan on trying out for the choir.  They will be going to England to perform in the spring and I would love to go.  Then, reality sets in.  How can I juggle school and home, along with choir?  Not to mention how much less time I'd have once we have another baby.  I started beating myself (for the millionth time) about not finishing school the first time.

Then, it came to me.  Considering all the trouble we've had trying to have another baby--what if we'd waited to have our daughter?  It is a possibility that we may not be able to have another child.  If we had waited until now to try for our first--we may have been childless.  I believe our daughter was given to us, when she was given to us for a reason.  I can see that, now.  It took until today for me to see that.

I've also suddenly come to the realization that maybe we need to take a break.  Since I'm already on half of the medicine to get things going, we'll certainly still try this cycle.  If this one is not successful, I'm thinking about talking about going back on birth control for a few months.  Sometimes that helps to regulate cycles. 

So many things are in limbo right now for me, but I'm starting to get a slightly clearer picture of which path I should take.  Right now, I'm just praying for the ability to be satisfied with what I have and be ready to accept things as God's will, regardless of what I want and when I want it.

When You Get Bucked Off...

...you have to get right back up on the horse, right?  Well, I'm on Provera again.  My @&#^! period did not come on its own.  I figured it wouldn't, though.  This is day 2 of 10.  I'll have to call and cancel/reschedule my appointment since Provera is progesterone, and that is what I really wanted checked.  Hopefully this is the last time we have to go through this mess.  The process is really losing it's charm.

Big Fat Negative

This morning, I took a pregnancy test.  I knew that it was going to be negative, but couldn't help the disappointment when my suspicions were confirmed.  My pre-period symptoms have completely stopped.  The plan is to see what happens today.  If I feel crampy or have more spotting, then I'll wait another day or two to see if my period shows up.  If I have nothing today, then I'll start Provera tonight.  I'm a couple days ahead of when my doctor usually says to take it, but since I got a BFN first thing this morning and have no pregnancy symptoms, I'd say that I'm in the clear.  If I do start Provera today, I'll cancel my doctor's appointment for now. I want to have my progesterone levels checked, and if I'm on Provera (progesterone) when I go to see her, my levels would not be accurate.  

So now--time to wait some more!

Hoping for October

I called my doctor's office yesterday and requested a prescription for Clomid.  The nurse was happy to call it in for me.  I'm not ready to take it yet--just waiting on my period.  I've had a lot of spotting, though.  I hope that my period is right around the corner so we can get the show on the road.  Otherwise, I'll be starting Provera again within a couple of days to start a period.  I'm hoping it shows on it's own for a variety of reasons, but for one reason in particular.  If we get pregnant this cycle, we will be due in October.  My husband, daughter, and myself are all October babies.  If everything looks good this cycle, I'll wait until Valentine's Day to test--the same day that I got my 'BFP' with my daughter 4 years ago.

Decisions

I have a doctor's appointment on January 13th to discuss a course of action for my next cycle.  Unfortunately, timing is everything when it comes to getting pregnant.  I either have a very light period, or the real thing is right around the corner.  The first day of a period is CD (cycle day) 1.  My doctor has me take Clomid on CD 5-9.  If I wait to talk to her before making any decisions, I'll miss the Clomid window this cycle.  I have a feeling my main problem may be a progesterone deficiency, but I don't want to throw a cycle away at this point just to wait and see.  I did that this cycle...and look where it got me.

I'm still trying to remain positive and hopeful, but when in limbo, it is hard!