Long Time, No See

I haven't posted in quite a while for a couple of reasons.  First, I have been (and will continue to be) extremely busy with student teaching.  The days are flying and I'm trying to grasp them as the slip by.

Secondly, I don't have much to report.  My last cycle was a ridiculous 45 days long.  It is disappointing that my body immediately went back to its old ways, but there isn't anything I can do about it.  I'm lukewarm about foster/adopt again.  Like I said, I'm so busy that I don't have a whole lot of time to sit around and worry about it...which is obviously good for me.  At this point, I feel like we should not pursue anything.  If we get a call about a private adoption, fabulous.  If I (somehow) get pregnant, miraculous.  Otherwise, we'll carry on with life and try not to think about another baby every minute of every day.

Thankful

I'm thankful that I didn't get too invested in the private adoption situation we were told about last week.  My husband ran into the contact person and asked if he had spoken to the birth mother.  He said he hasn't and that his relationship with the family is not a good one at this point.  It is clearly not going to amount to anything, especially since she is due next month.

Excitement, Then...Nothing

On Friday, my husband learned of a potential private adoption situation.  He waited until this morning to tell me about it (which is probably good for me).  I let myself get a little bit excited about it this morning.  Then, I found out more information about it.  It doesn't sound like it will be a good match for us.  Surprisingly, I'm not upset about it.  When I realized that it looks like the situation will be a mess and that the timing wouldn't be good for it, I felt peaceful with accepting the reality of it all.  I'm hoping this means I've grown and am evolving in my experience.

Relief

I don't know where I am in my cycle--and that is so, so freeing.  I notice myself attempting to calculate and then force myself to stop.  I don't want to know.  I'm focusing my energy on home improvement, preparing to student teach, my family, and trying to get into shape.  I started working out again today and hope to keep it up.  I usually quit a couple of weeks into a routine, but I hope to keep going this time.  I've never been one who likes to work out, so I really have to force myself to do it.  I'm tired of seeing more and more cellulite every time I look in the mirror, though.

I got the main part of the dresser painted white and it looks great.  I still need to paint the drawers and (somehow) change the hardware, but there is plenty of time for that.  I'm trying to relax a little about the whole adoption issue because, really, there isn't anything I can do about it now, anyway.

Clomid Withdrawal?

TMI WARNING:

AF this cycle was very light and short.  I don't know that I would even call it a regular period.  In fact, I never had any red bleeding, but a couple of days of brownish yuck and that was it.  Today is CD 7 (I had to check ff.com since I'm not paying attention!) and I have period-like cramping every time I go to the bathroom or have sex.  Earlier today, I had some without anything proceeding them.  I have a feeling that I had some in the night, as well, because I dreamed about going to the hospital with the cramps.  Anyway, I don't know why I'm having these pains, but they are very annoying and...painful.  I usually finish Clomid on this day, so maybe my body doesn't know what to do with itself.  I just hope it stops soon.

Letting Go of My Dream Child

The article I posted below talks about the infertile couple and their "dream child,"--the child they hoped to conceive.  It says that the infertile couple must grieve that ideal child and let the idea go in order to move on.  That spurred this post.  I have an ideal child in my mind that I have to let go of.  Maybe if I describe that child and acknowledge in some way that yes, I dreamed of this child, and, no, I cannot have this child, it will help me sort through some of the additional feelings this journey has caused.

The child I hoped to conceive in all of this is a boy.  He has dark, curly hair, blue eyes, and freckles.  He is funny and ornery.  He is, at the same time, a "momma's boy,"...at least while he is little.  He grows up big and strong like his daddy and is maybe even taller than my husband.  He goes on to do something amazing with his life--maybe even follows his daddy's footsteps and becomes a firefighter.  Edited to add: His name is Jakob Henry.  I don't usually like "unique" spellings of names, but Jakob is a traditional spelling and the first three letters are my husband's initials.  Henry is for my beloved grandfather who passed away two months before our daughter was born.

This child will never exist for us.  That is a hard line to write and to accept.  I realize that even if we were able to have another child, he or she may never be what I imagined.  However, we'll never know.

I am sad about this, but not overly depressed, which is a good thing (obviously).  I hope to move on down the road and be ready and willing to accept whatever child God puts in our lives.

No More Charting

I took down my ovulation chart from the right hand side of this blog.  There won't be much to see anymore, as I won't be using fertilityfriend.com for anything but keeping track of periods from now on. It is sort of a freeing feeling to not have to wake up every morning and check my temp, then hurriedly put it in my chart, then spend hours staring at and analyzing it all.  It is also very freeing to not be taking Clomid.  I hate that stuff, even if it made my body do what it was supposed to (for the most part).  I can't say I'm happy about kissing my TTC life goodbye--I don't think anyone really could after trying for 3.5 years to no avail--but I am relieved.  At least for now.

Final Clomid Cycle...Finished

AF finally showed today.  I was truly hopeful that I was pregnant.  I had some very obvious cramping at 8 DPO that I was nearly convinced was implantation cramping.  Alas, it was not.  We have decided that we will no longer pursue fertility treatments.  I don't have many feelings about it, surprisingly.  At least, today.  I found an article on an adoption website that does a good job of summing up the feelings that come with infertility.  I encourage everyone to check it out: http://adoption-beyond.org/for-adoptive-parents/infertility/

The dresser for our future child's (through adoption) bedroom was delivered today.  A sweet lady (and her husband) in our community gave it to us because she felt moved by our experience.  I am very touched that she is so thoughtful and generous.  The dresser is absolutely perfect for our space.  I will be painting it and putting on new knobs.  I'll post a picture when I finish it.

I plan to refocus my energy on preparing for an adopted child.  We need to finish putting down the new flooring in the bedroom, I need to finish sewing the bedding, now refinish a dresser, and get the little piles of crap around the house sorted out.  We also need to get our porch finished.  We found someone to do it (hopefully), but his wait list is about two months long.  As long as it is finished by winter, I will be fine with it. We won't do a home study until it is complete--we know from experience that we cannot be approved until then.

Waffling

wafflingpresent participle of waf·fle (Verb)

Verb:

Fail to make up one's mind: "Joseph had been waffling over where to go". Speak or write, esp. at great length, without saying anything important or useful. I think that pretty much sums everything up--on both counts. This morning/early afternoon, I was feeling sort of content with the idea of just letting everything go.  If we get pregnant, we get pregnant.  If our lawyer calls, he calls.  If not, we'll be just fine as a family of three.  We'll have more opportunities and more money to find those opportunities. Then... At Walmart, we ran into a lady we know.  She was on her phone, but hurriedly hung up to come over to talk to me.  She has a dresser that is for sale, but it was far more than what we can spend.  She said she has another dresser that she'd love to give to us to use in our future child's room.  She felt like it was a God-thing that she ran into us, as she just got a new smart phone and wasn't sure how to send me a message about it on Facebook.  She is so happy about being able to help us in this way. So then... I was completely at odds with myself (again...trust me, it is exhausting) on what to do.  I spoke to my husband about my feelings and, of course, he is fine with whatever I choose to do.  I told him I felt like a disappointment to him since I can't give him another child without great difficulty.  He responded with his, "No, no, no...you aren't a disappointment," while patting me on the head.  LOL. And then... I noticed my mom was on Facebook, so I started chatting with her.  I told her how I was feeling and how I, essentially, have to come to some sort of conclusion on my own since my husband is voicing no opinion either way.  (A quality that can be endearing in some cases, but frustrating in others).  She told me that she thinks we should at least try foster/adoption.  She doesn't want me to regret not taking a chance on this...and I know she is right that I may, in fact, regret not exhausting every option available to me.  She pointed out that if we get into it and decide it is not for us, we can stop.  BUT, we may find that it is the best thing we've ever done and it may lead us directly to our second child.  I think she's right and I plan on taking her advice.  It is amazing how one conversation can make you feel so much better--especially from your mom.  It's true when they say you will always need your mom.  I'm thankful that mine is so great and always in my corner.

Therapy

I decided that I will call tomorrow and make an appointment with a therapist.  I've never been before, but I need help coping with the cards I've been dealt.  I'm tired of being on a high one moment, thinking of the possibilities, and at a low point the next, feeling like a disappointment to my family and unable to make a decision.  I have a whole host of issues outside of my infertility/miscarriage, so it may take a long time for me to feel better.

I just want to learn how to be okay with being a three-person family.  There is a great possibility that our daughter will be the only child we have.  I don't know how to cope with that right now and I feel that I've robbed myself (and my family) of the past 3.5 years of trying everything in our power to have another child.

On a somewhat unrelated note, we dropped our preliminary paper work off in the mail today to the foster/adopt agency.  Not sure if that was a good idea or not, though.  I'm still feeling completely lost.

Second-Guessing...or Third...or Fourth

My heart and mind are so burdened right now.  I thought I had myself psyched up for foster/adopt, but now, I'm not so sure.  I have read extensively about another person's experiences...and I'm not sure it is something we can handle.  Foster care is not for the faint of heart--and while I consider myself to be a fairly resilient person (and my husband certainly is), we have to remember our daughter in all of this.  Our desire to have another child cannot put her at risk.  At all.  Ever.

I'm attempting to be trusting and put this all in God's hands, but it still weighs heavily on me.  Today, I want to throw my hands up and say screw it all--get rid of the crib, toys, etc. and learn to be content as a family of three.

Back from the Doc

My doctor felt around and said that I probably have a small cyst on my left ovary.  It isn't anything major and he isn't terribly concerned about it.  He said that if we decide to continue Clomid, next cycle will be a break.  I told him that we are ready to quit Clomid and focus on adoption.  He said, "You are intelligent, thinking people.  If that is what you want to do, I'm all for it.  If you decide to come back to work on fertility, I'm all for that, as well."  He also said that I have a higher chance of getting pregnant next cycle.  I told him I wasn't holding my breath, but he said not to lose hope.  The last time I was pregnant (with Baby May), I had a cyst the cycle before I got my BFP.  It happened that way twice for my friend.  Still, I'm not going to count on a miraculous pregnancy at this point.

Ouch!

This morning, I discovered that my lower abdomen is a little bit tender.  I poked around on my stomach and found that it is very painful when that area is touched.  Immediately, I had a feeling it was a cyst.  The sharp pain is radiating from a mass that can be felt from the outside.  I had my husband feel just to make sure I'm not making things up.  We went to town to get groceries (and a toddler bed!) and I started to feel nauseated.   I still feel that way and a little bit weak/dizzy.  I called my doctor's office and they are going to see me tomorrow.

If I needed more confirmation on my decision to stop Clomid, I think this is it.  I don't want to play this game anymore!

Tentative Plans

I spoke with my husband about discontinuing Clomid.  At first, he seemed a little bit hesitant, but in the end, he said (of course) that he is okay with whatever I want to do.  When I was on the phone with him, I felt sure that I wanted to never take Clomid again.  Now, I'm not sure.  I have a couple of weeks to decide.

Last night, I asked for a beat-me-over-the-head sign on what we should do.  This afternoon, a friend told me about a potential situation that will be coming up very, very soon.  It involves two kids--one is a tiny baby.  However, there is no way that we would have our paper work and background checks back in time to do anything with them.  Also, we don't feel equipped to adopt two children at once.  However, it really felt like a sign that we are on the right path.  Additionally, as I was working on paperwork for the foster agency, a commercial came on the radio about adoption through the foster system.

Definitely Gluten

This morning, I woke up with a small patch of rash (DH).  When I put lotion on after my shower, my whole skin felt--unhappy.  There is no doubt that I was glutened yesterday.  Of course, this is right around ovulation, so I'm guessing we have zero chance again, even with EWCM.

I couldn't sleep last night with all the thoughts floating through my mind about what to do.  I began to wonder if we should just stop Clomid.  If we are truly meant to adopt, I don't want to put my body through any more stress than it needs.  I don't want to give up a chance to get pregnant on our own, but it seems like if it isn't one thing, it is another (ala gluten).  Clomid tends to stay in a person's body for a cycle or two after they have stopped taking it, so we wouldn't be completely jumping ship.  I will consider it for a while and (obviously) talk to my husband to get his feelings on it--but I know he'll say, "Whatever you want to do."

I feel a bit more at peace, knowing that our child may still be out there, waiting for us.

Somewhere Between Hopeful and Disappointed

The good news is that I, miraculously, have some EWCM today.  I can tell you the last time that appeared was before Clomid.  So, yay for that.

The bad news is that I was glutened today...and it must have been a pretty big "dose."  My stomach is NOT happy now.  It is weird that I never had the "typical" Celiac symptoms before I went GF.  Now, I know within an hour or so of consuming gluten.  Blech.

Also, our information and forms for foster/adopt came in the mail today.  I'm biting the bullet and filing them out.  After talking with friends and (of course) my husband, I decided that we will set our sights on respite/emergency care and hope for the best.  That's about all we can do.  I just hope that my faith will be restored soon.  I'm doing better, but I still don't feel terribly excited or hopeful.

Phone Call

This morning, a lady from the foster care agency I've been emailing called me.  I was very honest with her in that we are only willing to take kids 0-3 years old and that our last experience with foster/adopt was not a positive one.  She suggested that police-protective care may be a good fit for us, because some of the children are straight from the hospital...and some of those babies become available for adoption.  Having them right away would give us a good chance at adoption.

I'm still unsure of my feelings on the whole thing.  It is very scary to know that even if a little bitty comes into our home, we may not be able to keep them.  I am in contact with a woman who is in the process of adopting a baby from foster care (they took him home from the hospital), so I know it is possible.  But how probable?

The good news is that we will not have to take another class prior to licensing since we already completed another program.  That is one fairly large hurdle out of the way.

Again, we will not make any major decisions until I graduate.  Hopefully by then, I will have a more clear idea of what we want/can handle.  My husband is on board for whatever I want to do, so the decision is really mine to make.

On another note, I added Mucinex again to my routine.  There isn't much CM left to account for, so I'm hoping the Mucinex will help get whatever is there, moving.

And, for your listening pleasure, a song that I have been listening to on repeat since I bought the soundtrack. I highly recommend you crank your speakers for this song.

A Little Better

I feel a little better today.  Not quite as hopeless, but certainly not hopeful yet.

As I approach ovulation, I'm (again) unsure of the CM issue.  It seems like there is a little bit more, and it might even be changing to EWCM, but it isn't a huge increase.  I hope it is enough for a miraculous conception.  Not holding my breath, though.

We are going away for the weekend, as July 2nd is our 7th wedding anniversary.  I'm hoping a couple days out of town and just the two of us will help to clear my psyche.  Bonus: I'll be ovulating!

Struggling

Tonight, I am really struggling with our situation and the toll it is taking on me.  I feel absolutely hopeless.

Results?

After some more reading, I decided to cut my green tea consumption back to once a day.  I also upped my dosage of evening primrose oil and stopped taking an extra vitamin C.  I already take a multivitamin that gives me 100% of what I need, so I was really just wasting the pills.  The verdict is still out on the CM.  It seems like there might be more, but I didn't pay much attention to it before ovulation.

I completed my fifth round of Clomid (this time) and the side effects haven't been too bad.  I've had a few hot flashes in the last couple of days, but not as bad as I remember from last cycle.  Either that, or I'm getting used to it.  My ovaries feel swollen, but I think that's probably a good thing in this case.

The message in church today was to hold firm to faith while going through life's trials.  I admit that I don't have much faith that we will ever get pregnant by ourselves...and I don't have much faith that we will be able to adopt.  I'm not sure how to change my hardened heart after all this time.  I don't think it's something you do easily.

Insurance

My husband's employer recently switched prescription insurance carriers.  I didn't think much of it until I went to pick up my Clomid.  It is no longer covered.  Thankfully, it is still fairly cheap, but it is so disheartening to know that no other IF meds would be covered.  (Not that we were ever planning to go beyond Clomid--it's just another nail in the coffin.)

And...

I spoke with my husband about possibly being a foster home for short-term respite and police-protection respite.  He said he's cool with it if I want to do it.  Wow!

We have a lot to do before December!

Respite?

A former classmate is a social worker and suggested that we look into short-term respite care and police protection care (~3 days in each case) through the foster care system.  I thought I had put foster/adopt out of my mind.  We don't want kids in and out of our home after we've gotten attached to them.  However, I feel like I might be able to be okay with a very short-term placement.  It would get our home study done, get our name in the system, and fill our empty crib.  Our last experience with foster/adopt was not a pleasant one.  Our social worker really soured our opinion of it, so I'm not sure how my husband would feel about approaching this again.

The other problem is that the home study is extremely demanding.  It is much different than a home study for a "regular" adoption.  The thought of starting on it again is overwhelming.

Moving On

My doctor didn't up my dosage of Clomid (which I expected since I have been ovulating with it).  He didn't say how long he's going to have me keep going, nor did he give me any suggestions to help with CM.  So, I opted to do some research on my own.  I have found that I should a) drink a LOT of water b) take vitamin C together with grapeseed oil d) drink four cups of green tea a day and/or e) take evening primrose oil until ovulation, then switch to fish oil.  I'm doing them all.  LOL.  HOPEFULLY there will be a difference.

It's a No-Go

This cycle is officially over.  I'm going to call my doctor's office tomorrow and ask a few questions.  First, I want to know how long my doctor will have me take Clomid before he says it's over.  Most things I read say six cycles, but also no more than twelve cycles over a lifetime.  This was cycle #12 for me (over time) and cycle #4 this round.  Also, I have just about zero CM at the time of ovulation, which is probably part of my issue.  My doctor recommended I take Mucinex at ovulation to thin it, but if there isn't anything to thin, then it won't do any good.  I'm hoping there will be something else he can prescribe to take care of this problem.

Adoption Stumbling Block

I created a website for potential birth mothers/families to learn about us.  I felt it was a good idea until someone gave me a head's up that it may be illegal in my state.  I researched the law and it says this:


Use of Advertisement
Citation: Ann. Stat. § 59-2123(a)(1), (b)-(c)

No person shall advertise that such person will adopt, find an adoptive home for a child, or otherwise place a child for adoption. This provision shall not apply to a licensed child-placing agency. As used in this section, advertise means to communicate by newspaper, radio, television, handbills, placards or other print, broadcast, telephone directory, or electronic medium.

I don't always understand legal jargon, but I think this says that I need to take my website down and I'm not allowed to put the word out about us in any other way except through an agency or a lawyer.  All of this is so frustrating and we haven't even officially begun.  ::sigh::

Tempted

This morning, I was tempted to take a pregnancy test.  I have no real reason to believe that I could be pregnant this cycle, but the post-ovulation symptoms get me every time.  It is only 7 DPO, so it would be extremely early even if I were pregnant.  It's more wishful thinking than anything, I'm sure.  Wouldn't it be lovely, though?

Here and There

First and foremost, I ovulated!  I'm very pleased that last cycle was more of a fluke than a pattern.  Now I have to wait.

On the adoption front, I contacted several lawyers and one agency to get a feel for what they require of potential adoptive families.  Unfortunately, they all want $20-$30K.  All of them also require a $750 application fee, with the remaining amount due 24 hours after a match.  None of the money would roll over if a match fails, either...we would have to start over from scratch if that were to happen. There is just no way that we can afford that kind of financial burden.  Not now nor any time in the future.

All we can do is hope and pray that a child will come into our lives soon--either biologically or through a private adoption.

The End is Looming

I know I've said it before, but I have a feeling in my gut that we will not be able to conceive another child.  Last weekend, I held my cousin's newborn baby and truly felt that our family is not complete.  We need another squishy baby of our own.  This means that I am beginning to re-investigate adoption.  I currently have several web pages open and my heart is beating fast and I have a butterfly-feeling in my stomach.  Admittedly, I am terrified of adoption.  I'm afraid of rejection and of an even longer wait.  I'm afraid of fees that we cannot afford.  I'm afraid of problems with the birth mother/family and delays with finalization.  I'm afraid of having our hearts broken again.

Hot Flashes

Hot flashes are highly annoying at any time, but hot flashes during the summer are torture.

May 12

May 12, 2010 was supposed to be my due date with Baby May (hence the nickname).  This year came and went without me noticing, surprisingly.  I just realized yesterday, despite the fact that May is significant in my timeline of life because of it.  I feel a little bit guilty, which might sound silly to you, but I know it is a step toward healing.  I don't want to forget (and I won't), but I also don't want to pine away for what wasn't meant to be for the rest of my life.

I'm over halfway finished with my fourth dosage of Clomid.  Contrary to what I thought, they did not increase my dosage.  I suppose that is because AF showed on time without any help from meds.  I hope that I ovulate this month, as looking at a chart like last cycle's leaves you feeling hopeless.

Good News/Bad News

The good news is that AF showed on its own today.  The bad news is that AF showed today...and that I didn't ovulate this cycle, even with Clomid.  I will be bumped up to 150 mg. this (new) cycle.  I'm hoping that my side effects won't be more than I can handle.  I had a rough go of them this past cycle.

Three more cycles left...then...????

Not Looking Any Better

Unfortunately, I think that this will be an anovulatory cycle.  I think this is the first time this has happened while taking Clomid, which is disheartening.  I just hope that AF shows up soon...and not another month from now.

Crappy Chart

Well, I thought CD 16 was ovulation day, for sure.  Unfortunately, my temps went back down.  If (and it feels like a big "if" right now) my temps go up tomorrow and continue to do so, today is ovulation day.  I can tell that ovulation is still looming since I don't have my usual post-O symptoms.  I don't think I've ever ovulated this late--on my own or otherwise.  I'm not holding my breath.

I'm beginning to feel (again) that the only way we'll have another child is through adoption.  I just don't know if we have the resources or emotional storehouse for it anymore.  :(

Changes to the Blog and an Update

A couple of weeks ago, I disabled public viewing of my blog.  An HR person from a big school district came to speak at my university and warned everyone with a blog to be very cautious.  He said that parents and administrators can become bent out of shape over postings that the blogger may not feel are offensive.  Since my blog has a lot of personal and probably TMI info, I decided to suspend it.  Then, a friend emailed me and asked if she needed a password and said that she reads my blog often.  Sooo, I decided to put it back up.  However, you can no longer find my blog via search engine and I *think* I removed it from Blogger's directory.  Therefore, my view count has dropped significantly.  That's okay.  This is most a catharsis and record for myself and for a few of my loyal "fans."  :)

As far as my cycle is concerned...my temp dropped significantly yesterday and came back up by an entire degree today.  Fake temps for the next few days reveal that today is O-day.  Yay for that!  I know that I hope every cycle is "it," I'm really, really hoping to be KU this cycle.  This round of Clomid has been nasty.  I've had every side-effect under the sun and they have been amplified.  The last day I was actually taking the pills, I felt sick to my stomach because the visual disturbances were so intense.  I want my days of Clomid to be behind me and have an excited outlook expecting a new member of our family.  Of course, I fully expect that I'll be writing this again next cycle, and the cycle after, and the cycle after that, ad nauseum.

Cycle #2 = FAIL

AF is rapidly approaching.  Bummer.  I hope the third time is the charm.  This is old already.

4 DPO

If you've been watching my ticker and (newly added) chart on the right of the screen, you can see that I ovulated four days ago--right on time.  I ovulated on CD 15, which is exactly the same as last cycle.  I'm happy that things seem to be right on track and forming some sort of normalcy.  All of my "pregnancy" symptoms returned immediately following ovulation.  I have crazy heart burn (which I usually do not have), I'm exhausted, and I have terribly tender breasts.  However, I know that they are just post-ovulation symptoms courtesy of my friend (?) Clomid.  I'm better prepared, mentally and emotionally, this cycle if it doesn't work out.  I know I will still be greatly disappointed if I get another BFN, but at least I'm not hinging on every little thing this time.  Last cycle was definitely a reminder of exactly how Clomid makes me feel.  I don't plan on testing early this cycle.  I hope to hold out until 14+ DPO.

Today?

I think today may be ovulation day.  My temp went down this morning, I'm a bit crampy, etc.  I'm hoping for a big temperature jump tomorrow to confirm!

Getting Itchy

I wish I had started charting earlier in my cycle.  My temps show nothing exciting at this point because of it...at least I hope that's why.  I put in some hypothetical temps after tomorrow and all I got was a dotted line for ovulation.  I shouldn't even be doing that, because it doesn't change anything.  Tomorrow will be CD 15, which is the day I ovulated last cycle.

::sigh:: I think this part of my cycle stresses me out more than the two-week-wait.  I hope and pray that I will ovulate in a timely manner...and get pregnant.  It seems like such a distant thing to hope for anymore.

Ovulation on the Horizon

Today is CD 12.  Last cycle, I ovulated on CD 15.  Everything feels tender and I have a headache today, which may be caused by hormone shifts.  I flaked on using OPK's last cycle, so I'm going to try to stick to it this time.  I'll start that tonight.  Here we go again!

A Fresh Start

Last Saturday, my husband came home from work with a terrible pain his side. He had experienced this problem many times before. I more or less had to drag him out of bed to go to the ER. A CAT scan revealed that his appendix was inflamed and needed removed. He went through the surgery fine and is at home, resting. He is on a 40 pound weight-limit, so he's having to take a few shifts off.  The good news about this, I feel, is that his body can heal better than it has in years. I hope that means positive things for our infertility struggle.

I finished my last dose of Clomid for this cycle last night. I can tell that my ovaries are swollen again, which means the meds are doing their job. I have resolved not to get excited about any "symptoms" that occur this cycle. Last cycle was a good reminder for me that fertility meds make you feels pregnant when you are not.

Round #2

Today, I begin my second round of Clomid (for the fourth time...oy).  I completely forgot to call my doctor to ask for a refill yesterday.  Thankfully, one of my friends (who just had her baby the day before yesterday) has some left over.  ::Whew::

Wish me luck.  I need it.

16 DPO = BFN

Clomid is a bitch.  It makes you really feel pregnant when you are not.  I had all the symptoms that someone in early pregnancy would experience...and yet I am not expecting.  Now I have to wait for AF to start.  I hope it is very soon, because my husband is leaving for a week again in April...very close to the time of ovulation.  Ugh.

Cramping

This morning, I had some pretty uncomfortable cramping.  It felt very much like my period would be starting, but it is too early for that--only 8 DPO.  Several people told me that they experienced cramping at the time of implantation, so I used Dr. Google to comfirm.

Cramping

Some women will experience light cramping as the egg implants into the uterine lining. This cramping can feel more or less extreme than PMS. For many women it is located on either the left or right side; possibly due to side of the uterus the fertilized egg implants on.

Some women experience the cramping more in the evening than during the day. Some have it for a few hours only while others will experience it for days.

Overall, these cramps can distinguish themselves from menstrual cramps as they come sooner than PMS cramps would. It can also be a sign of pregnancy if you generally do not suffer from menstrual cramps.

Of course, I don't want to get my hopes up too high, but it is something I haven't experienced before.  They only lasted for about an hour and everything has been normal since then.

Finally!

Today, my temp finally, finally went back up.  It went up to my highest temp thus far--I'm pleased with that.

Now the torturous two week wait begins.

Is it Today?

I thought that yesterday was ovulation day, for sure.  My temp came up just a couple of points from the day before and I had some (not much, but some) EWCM.  Today, however, my temp was exactly the same.  Ugh.  My hope is that it jumps up quite a bit tomorrow.  My husband is home tomorrow, but after that, he will be gone the rest of the week.

You can click on my chart on the right side of the screen to see what I'm talking about.  The temps should display in *F, despite the fact that I put them in as *C.

ETA: I was sitting outside, enjoying the lovely weather when I realized that my feet were numb.  My hands and feet are super swollen now.  I had to take my shoes off to alleviate the problem.  I hope that is a good sign!

Go Time!

This morning, I had a major temp drop.  I had to go back and re-check the temperature on the thermometer when I put it into my chart because I thought maybe I had read it wrong the first time.  Today is only CD 12, so I don't expect ovulation to actually happen until tomorrow at the earliest, but I'm in the fertile zone!

CD 10

Today, I began using ovulation prediction tests as well as Mucinex.  I really hope the Mucinex works, because my CM is currently non-existent.  (That only happens to me while I'm on Clomid).

The good news is, I can feel something going on.  I have sort of a heavy feeling and can tell that my ovaries are tender and maybe a little bit swollen.  A little while ago, I felt a sensation that I can't really describe other than...something is happening.  Woot!

I'm taking a picture of my OPKs every day to compare them.  I won't bore you with all of them, but here is today's.  It doesn't look like I have too far to go--both lines need to be the same color and/or the test line needs to be darker.  Here, the control line is darker.  :D

Come on Body!

My chart looks good today.  I don't know what my temps are in *F, but just seeing the line do what it is supposed to makes me happy.  I hope it stays that way and this is it!

Tools of the Trade

I'm now on CD 5.  Today will be my third day taking 100 mg. of Clomid.  I will continue to do so until CD 7.  So far, the side effects haven't bothered me much.  I got a little bit dizzy for a moment yesterday while I was taking a test, but it passed without much incident.  I also feel slightly more on edge/emotional, but not so much that I can't manage it.  There is still plenty of time for the fun to come yet.  LOL.

I decided to take a picture of part of the implements that go into TTC for me.  I can't tell you how many times I've heard, "Just relax and it will happen," or "If you stop trying, you'll get pregnant right away!"  No, sorry.  It doesn't always work that way.  Yes, for the majority of general population, all that is required to get (and stay) pregnant is to have sex.  Woo!  (If it were only that easy ;) ).  However, there are many people like me--just relaxing doesn't solve the biological issues that are causing trouble in TTC.

In the picture, the blue packets are ovulation test strips, while the pink are pregnancy tests.  (I'm hoping to not use all of them and be able to pass them on to someone who needs them!)  The Clomid is the white box and I'm sure you can tell what the other instrument is.  :)  Not pictured is my fertilityfriend.com account that keeps track of everything for me (for free, by the way).

I also want to point out that keeping track of my temperatures in *C is helping to keep my over analysing in check.  I have no idea if my temps are higher or lower than they used to be.  I just know what it looks like on the chart--and that's really all that matters, especially since my cycles have never been text book.

This Will Be Our Year

For my husband, whom I love with my whole heart:

So It Begins

Yesterday, after a long 45 day wait, AF finally decided to show.  It is making up for lost time...that's for sure.  Whew.

I began temping/charting again this morning.  For some reason, my thermometer is reading my temperature in Celsius, but I decided that is a good thing.  I don't know what the heck it means until I put it in my chart, so hopefully I won't be able to analyze nearly as much while I lie in bed.

Tomorrow, I start Clomid.  I'll be taking it CD 3-7, whereas I always took it CD 5-9 previously.  We'll see how it makes me feel and how effective it is on a different schedule.  I'm a little bit excited, but I'm not looking forward to the hot flashes and mood swings courtesy of the drug.  It will be MORE than worth it if it helps us get pregnant, though!  Look for more regular updates from here on out.  :D

If I Didn't Know Better

I'd think I were pregnant.  My boobs hurt, I'm now on CD 44, I feel slightly crampy with nothing to show for it, I'm exhausted, etc.  BUT, I'm not pregnant.  Instead, I'm still waiting.  And waiting.  I suppose the positive side to this is that the longer I wait, the further into the "safe zone" as far as a due date goes.  Maybe tomorrow?

Still Waiting

This is a common theme in my life...waiting.  As of today, I am on CD 41.  I really thought that I would be onto my last waiting cycle before starting Clomid again by now.  Last night, I was feeling very torn on whether I should wait a whole cycle on top of whenever this one ends, or take Clomid this next cycle.  Then, someone posted this status on Facebook, "No one can predict the future, you just need to live your life, do the right things and everything will be exactly as it was meant to be."  I read that at the exact moment that I needed it.  I am NOT in control.  I know that.  I just need to trust that life is working out exactly the way it is supposed to.  Just like the quote says, I just need to do what I need to do and we'll get there.


So, I'm going to start Clomid this next cycle.  I'm going to work very hard at not over analyzing or over stressing.  It will be difficult, but I'll keep reminding myself of the FB status.  

01/28/2012 Thankfulness

1.  I'm thankful that I kept my appointment at our local cancer center for a free skin cancer screening.  Unexpectedly, the doctor found an area that is on its way to becoming cancerous.  I should be able to to have it frozen off or treated with a topical chemotherapy and be okay.  However, the doctor wants me to wear long sleeves with SPF protection while I work in the sun from now on.

2.  I am thankful for my husband's ability to make me laugh no matter what.

3.  I am thankful for a restful weekend.

01/27/2012 Thankful List

1.  I am thankful for a lovely, unexpected dinner with my grandparents.
2.  I am thankful for the quiet afternoon and evening at home with my daughter.
3.  I am thankful for my husband's job.  I am so proud of him and it makes me happy to see him light up with pure glee when he gets to do something cool.

While I Wait

For now, there are no updates on our fertility issues.  We are waiting until my cycle that begins in March to start my last shot at Clomid.  I'm busy with school, so time is ticking by, but I still anticipate the day we can begin again, officially.

In the mean time, I have decided to post three things I am thankful for each day.  I need to remain positive, so this will help.

1.  I am thankful for lunch with my mom, husband, and daughter.
2.  I am thankful for a much, much lighter load this semester
3.  I am thankful for invigorating discussions with intelligent people who share my interests.

New Cycle

Today, I am beginning a new cycle.  My past one was 33 days, which has been (more or less) average for some time.  If my cycles keep at this pace, I am two away from beginning Clomid again.  If get pregnant right away (Ha!  What a novel concept!), I would be due around Christmas.  We'll take anything we can get, of course.

Onward and upward.

Back from OB/GYN

My annual appointment went exactly as I could have hoped.  I told him that I have been officially diagnosed with Celiac disease and provided him with a list of my cycle lengths since going gluten-free.  He said that it appears (as I suspected) that I am ovulating about half of the time.  That isn't great, but it is much better than it used to be.  Therefore, I will be starting Clomid at 100 mg in two cycles.  I will also take Mucinex during ovulation to help with any drying of CM that usually occurs with Clomid (at least for me).  He said his buddies who specialize in infertility recommend Mucinex, which sounds kind of funny, but that's good enough for me.

He said he still believes I am a good candidate for Clomid therapy, particularly since I ovulated while taking it even before the Celiac disease diagnosis.

I'm praying for a drug-induced miracle.  The next twelve months will be our last shot to conceive (and hopefully deliver) a child.