Today is My Due Date

"Dear Lord, I would have loved to have held my baby on my lap and told him about You, but since I didn't get the chance, would you please hold him on Your lap and tell him about me?"

It's an appropriately gray day here today.  I had big plans to celebrate our angel baby's birthday.  I wanted to release a balloon at the top of a beautiful hill and plant a raspberry bush.  Unfortunately, Mother Nature had different plans.  We were not far from the balloon release site when bad weather moved in.  Tornado sirens sounded just 10 minutes after we left.  I am quite disappointed.  I was able to spend the day with my husband and daughter, though, so it wasn't a complete loss.

I've been a bit teary a few times today, but not as bad as I expected.  I suppose I've spent the last couple of weeks dreading this day so much that it when the day finally arrived, it is just another day.

It's Been a While

I haven't posted in a while, because I've had trouble dealing with my feelings.  I was hugely disappointed by my BFN a few weeks ago and now I'm sad about the situation at hand.  After much deliberation, we have decided to take a break from trying for another baby.  The stress of it all was getting to be too much.  We will start trying again in July.

I feel quite defeated.  I don't know why it is taking so long to get (and stay) pregant, but as far as I'm concerned, it better be a damned good reason.  I feel like we'll be starting a square one again when we start back up in the summer, which is depressing in itself.  It took us 16+ months to get where we are, which is really nowhere.  I'm not sure how long we'll continue TTC after we begin again before we call it quits for good.

We've talked about adoption, and my husband is very into the idea if we cannot concieve on our own.  However, the cost is far too great for our meager earnings.  It usually costs in excess of 20K.  That is something we just cannot manage.

At this point, we need a miracle.