Excitement, Then...Nothing

On Friday, my husband learned of a potential private adoption situation.  He waited until this morning to tell me about it (which is probably good for me).  I let myself get a little bit excited about it this morning.  Then, I found out more information about it.  It doesn't sound like it will be a good match for us.  Surprisingly, I'm not upset about it.  When I realized that it looks like the situation will be a mess and that the timing wouldn't be good for it, I felt peaceful with accepting the reality of it all.  I'm hoping this means I've grown and am evolving in my experience.

Relief

I don't know where I am in my cycle--and that is so, so freeing.  I notice myself attempting to calculate and then force myself to stop.  I don't want to know.  I'm focusing my energy on home improvement, preparing to student teach, my family, and trying to get into shape.  I started working out again today and hope to keep it up.  I usually quit a couple of weeks into a routine, but I hope to keep going this time.  I've never been one who likes to work out, so I really have to force myself to do it.  I'm tired of seeing more and more cellulite every time I look in the mirror, though.

I got the main part of the dresser painted white and it looks great.  I still need to paint the drawers and (somehow) change the hardware, but there is plenty of time for that.  I'm trying to relax a little about the whole adoption issue because, really, there isn't anything I can do about it now, anyway.

Clomid Withdrawal?

TMI WARNING:

AF this cycle was very light and short.  I don't know that I would even call it a regular period.  In fact, I never had any red bleeding, but a couple of days of brownish yuck and that was it.  Today is CD 7 (I had to check ff.com since I'm not paying attention!) and I have period-like cramping every time I go to the bathroom or have sex.  Earlier today, I had some without anything proceeding them.  I have a feeling that I had some in the night, as well, because I dreamed about going to the hospital with the cramps.  Anyway, I don't know why I'm having these pains, but they are very annoying and...painful.  I usually finish Clomid on this day, so maybe my body doesn't know what to do with itself.  I just hope it stops soon.

Letting Go of My Dream Child

The article I posted below talks about the infertile couple and their "dream child,"--the child they hoped to conceive.  It says that the infertile couple must grieve that ideal child and let the idea go in order to move on.  That spurred this post.  I have an ideal child in my mind that I have to let go of.  Maybe if I describe that child and acknowledge in some way that yes, I dreamed of this child, and, no, I cannot have this child, it will help me sort through some of the additional feelings this journey has caused.

The child I hoped to conceive in all of this is a boy.  He has dark, curly hair, blue eyes, and freckles.  He is funny and ornery.  He is, at the same time, a "momma's boy,"...at least while he is little.  He grows up big and strong like his daddy and is maybe even taller than my husband.  He goes on to do something amazing with his life--maybe even follows his daddy's footsteps and becomes a firefighter.  Edited to add: His name is Jakob Henry.  I don't usually like "unique" spellings of names, but Jakob is a traditional spelling and the first three letters are my husband's initials.  Henry is for my beloved grandfather who passed away two months before our daughter was born.

This child will never exist for us.  That is a hard line to write and to accept.  I realize that even if we were able to have another child, he or she may never be what I imagined.  However, we'll never know.

I am sad about this, but not overly depressed, which is a good thing (obviously).  I hope to move on down the road and be ready and willing to accept whatever child God puts in our lives.

No More Charting

I took down my ovulation chart from the right hand side of this blog.  There won't be much to see anymore, as I won't be using fertilityfriend.com for anything but keeping track of periods from now on. It is sort of a freeing feeling to not have to wake up every morning and check my temp, then hurriedly put it in my chart, then spend hours staring at and analyzing it all.  It is also very freeing to not be taking Clomid.  I hate that stuff, even if it made my body do what it was supposed to (for the most part).  I can't say I'm happy about kissing my TTC life goodbye--I don't think anyone really could after trying for 3.5 years to no avail--but I am relieved.  At least for now.

Final Clomid Cycle...Finished

AF finally showed today.  I was truly hopeful that I was pregnant.  I had some very obvious cramping at 8 DPO that I was nearly convinced was implantation cramping.  Alas, it was not.  We have decided that we will no longer pursue fertility treatments.  I don't have many feelings about it, surprisingly.  At least, today.  I found an article on an adoption website that does a good job of summing up the feelings that come with infertility.  I encourage everyone to check it out: http://adoption-beyond.org/for-adoptive-parents/infertility/

The dresser for our future child's (through adoption) bedroom was delivered today.  A sweet lady (and her husband) in our community gave it to us because she felt moved by our experience.  I am very touched that she is so thoughtful and generous.  The dresser is absolutely perfect for our space.  I will be painting it and putting on new knobs.  I'll post a picture when I finish it.

I plan to refocus my energy on preparing for an adopted child.  We need to finish putting down the new flooring in the bedroom, I need to finish sewing the bedding, now refinish a dresser, and get the little piles of crap around the house sorted out.  We also need to get our porch finished.  We found someone to do it (hopefully), but his wait list is about two months long.  As long as it is finished by winter, I will be fine with it. We won't do a home study until it is complete--we know from experience that we cannot be approved until then.

Waffling

wafflingpresent participle of waf·fle (Verb)

Verb:

Fail to make up one's mind: "Joseph had been waffling over where to go". Speak or write, esp. at great length, without saying anything important or useful. I think that pretty much sums everything up--on both counts. This morning/early afternoon, I was feeling sort of content with the idea of just letting everything go.  If we get pregnant, we get pregnant.  If our lawyer calls, he calls.  If not, we'll be just fine as a family of three.  We'll have more opportunities and more money to find those opportunities. Then... At Walmart, we ran into a lady we know.  She was on her phone, but hurriedly hung up to come over to talk to me.  She has a dresser that is for sale, but it was far more than what we can spend.  She said she has another dresser that she'd love to give to us to use in our future child's room.  She felt like it was a God-thing that she ran into us, as she just got a new smart phone and wasn't sure how to send me a message about it on Facebook.  She is so happy about being able to help us in this way. So then... I was completely at odds with myself (again...trust me, it is exhausting) on what to do.  I spoke to my husband about my feelings and, of course, he is fine with whatever I choose to do.  I told him I felt like a disappointment to him since I can't give him another child without great difficulty.  He responded with his, "No, no, no...you aren't a disappointment," while patting me on the head.  LOL. And then... I noticed my mom was on Facebook, so I started chatting with her.  I told her how I was feeling and how I, essentially, have to come to some sort of conclusion on my own since my husband is voicing no opinion either way.  (A quality that can be endearing in some cases, but frustrating in others).  She told me that she thinks we should at least try foster/adoption.  She doesn't want me to regret not taking a chance on this...and I know she is right that I may, in fact, regret not exhausting every option available to me.  She pointed out that if we get into it and decide it is not for us, we can stop.  BUT, we may find that it is the best thing we've ever done and it may lead us directly to our second child.  I think she's right and I plan on taking her advice.  It is amazing how one conversation can make you feel so much better--especially from your mom.  It's true when they say you will always need your mom.  I'm thankful that mine is so great and always in my corner.

Therapy

I decided that I will call tomorrow and make an appointment with a therapist.  I've never been before, but I need help coping with the cards I've been dealt.  I'm tired of being on a high one moment, thinking of the possibilities, and at a low point the next, feeling like a disappointment to my family and unable to make a decision.  I have a whole host of issues outside of my infertility/miscarriage, so it may take a long time for me to feel better.

I just want to learn how to be okay with being a three-person family.  There is a great possibility that our daughter will be the only child we have.  I don't know how to cope with that right now and I feel that I've robbed myself (and my family) of the past 3.5 years of trying everything in our power to have another child.

On a somewhat unrelated note, we dropped our preliminary paper work off in the mail today to the foster/adopt agency.  Not sure if that was a good idea or not, though.  I'm still feeling completely lost.

Second-Guessing...or Third...or Fourth

My heart and mind are so burdened right now.  I thought I had myself psyched up for foster/adopt, but now, I'm not so sure.  I have read extensively about another person's experiences...and I'm not sure it is something we can handle.  Foster care is not for the faint of heart--and while I consider myself to be a fairly resilient person (and my husband certainly is), we have to remember our daughter in all of this.  Our desire to have another child cannot put her at risk.  At all.  Ever.

I'm attempting to be trusting and put this all in God's hands, but it still weighs heavily on me.  Today, I want to throw my hands up and say screw it all--get rid of the crib, toys, etc. and learn to be content as a family of three.

Back from the Doc

My doctor felt around and said that I probably have a small cyst on my left ovary.  It isn't anything major and he isn't terribly concerned about it.  He said that if we decide to continue Clomid, next cycle will be a break.  I told him that we are ready to quit Clomid and focus on adoption.  He said, "You are intelligent, thinking people.  If that is what you want to do, I'm all for it.  If you decide to come back to work on fertility, I'm all for that, as well."  He also said that I have a higher chance of getting pregnant next cycle.  I told him I wasn't holding my breath, but he said not to lose hope.  The last time I was pregnant (with Baby May), I had a cyst the cycle before I got my BFP.  It happened that way twice for my friend.  Still, I'm not going to count on a miraculous pregnancy at this point.

Ouch!

This morning, I discovered that my lower abdomen is a little bit tender.  I poked around on my stomach and found that it is very painful when that area is touched.  Immediately, I had a feeling it was a cyst.  The sharp pain is radiating from a mass that can be felt from the outside.  I had my husband feel just to make sure I'm not making things up.  We went to town to get groceries (and a toddler bed!) and I started to feel nauseated.   I still feel that way and a little bit weak/dizzy.  I called my doctor's office and they are going to see me tomorrow.

If I needed more confirmation on my decision to stop Clomid, I think this is it.  I don't want to play this game anymore!

Tentative Plans

I spoke with my husband about discontinuing Clomid.  At first, he seemed a little bit hesitant, but in the end, he said (of course) that he is okay with whatever I want to do.  When I was on the phone with him, I felt sure that I wanted to never take Clomid again.  Now, I'm not sure.  I have a couple of weeks to decide.

Last night, I asked for a beat-me-over-the-head sign on what we should do.  This afternoon, a friend told me about a potential situation that will be coming up very, very soon.  It involves two kids--one is a tiny baby.  However, there is no way that we would have our paper work and background checks back in time to do anything with them.  Also, we don't feel equipped to adopt two children at once.  However, it really felt like a sign that we are on the right path.  Additionally, as I was working on paperwork for the foster agency, a commercial came on the radio about adoption through the foster system.

Definitely Gluten

This morning, I woke up with a small patch of rash (DH).  When I put lotion on after my shower, my whole skin felt--unhappy.  There is no doubt that I was glutened yesterday.  Of course, this is right around ovulation, so I'm guessing we have zero chance again, even with EWCM.

I couldn't sleep last night with all the thoughts floating through my mind about what to do.  I began to wonder if we should just stop Clomid.  If we are truly meant to adopt, I don't want to put my body through any more stress than it needs.  I don't want to give up a chance to get pregnant on our own, but it seems like if it isn't one thing, it is another (ala gluten).  Clomid tends to stay in a person's body for a cycle or two after they have stopped taking it, so we wouldn't be completely jumping ship.  I will consider it for a while and (obviously) talk to my husband to get his feelings on it--but I know he'll say, "Whatever you want to do."

I feel a bit more at peace, knowing that our child may still be out there, waiting for us.