Somewhere Between Hopeful and Disappointed

The good news is that I, miraculously, have some EWCM today.  I can tell you the last time that appeared was before Clomid.  So, yay for that.

The bad news is that I was glutened today...and it must have been a pretty big "dose."  My stomach is NOT happy now.  It is weird that I never had the "typical" Celiac symptoms before I went GF.  Now, I know within an hour or so of consuming gluten.  Blech.

Also, our information and forms for foster/adopt came in the mail today.  I'm biting the bullet and filing them out.  After talking with friends and (of course) my husband, I decided that we will set our sights on respite/emergency care and hope for the best.  That's about all we can do.  I just hope that my faith will be restored soon.  I'm doing better, but I still don't feel terribly excited or hopeful.

Phone Call

This morning, a lady from the foster care agency I've been emailing called me.  I was very honest with her in that we are only willing to take kids 0-3 years old and that our last experience with foster/adopt was not a positive one.  She suggested that police-protective care may be a good fit for us, because some of the children are straight from the hospital...and some of those babies become available for adoption.  Having them right away would give us a good chance at adoption.

I'm still unsure of my feelings on the whole thing.  It is very scary to know that even if a little bitty comes into our home, we may not be able to keep them.  I am in contact with a woman who is in the process of adopting a baby from foster care (they took him home from the hospital), so I know it is possible.  But how probable?

The good news is that we will not have to take another class prior to licensing since we already completed another program.  That is one fairly large hurdle out of the way.

Again, we will not make any major decisions until I graduate.  Hopefully by then, I will have a more clear idea of what we want/can handle.  My husband is on board for whatever I want to do, so the decision is really mine to make.

On another note, I added Mucinex again to my routine.  There isn't much CM left to account for, so I'm hoping the Mucinex will help get whatever is there, moving.

And, for your listening pleasure, a song that I have been listening to on repeat since I bought the soundtrack. I highly recommend you crank your speakers for this song.

A Little Better

I feel a little better today.  Not quite as hopeless, but certainly not hopeful yet.

As I approach ovulation, I'm (again) unsure of the CM issue.  It seems like there is a little bit more, and it might even be changing to EWCM, but it isn't a huge increase.  I hope it is enough for a miraculous conception.  Not holding my breath, though.

We are going away for the weekend, as July 2nd is our 7th wedding anniversary.  I'm hoping a couple days out of town and just the two of us will help to clear my psyche.  Bonus: I'll be ovulating!

Struggling

Tonight, I am really struggling with our situation and the toll it is taking on me.  I feel absolutely hopeless.

Results?

After some more reading, I decided to cut my green tea consumption back to once a day.  I also upped my dosage of evening primrose oil and stopped taking an extra vitamin C.  I already take a multivitamin that gives me 100% of what I need, so I was really just wasting the pills.  The verdict is still out on the CM.  It seems like there might be more, but I didn't pay much attention to it before ovulation.

I completed my fifth round of Clomid (this time) and the side effects haven't been too bad.  I've had a few hot flashes in the last couple of days, but not as bad as I remember from last cycle.  Either that, or I'm getting used to it.  My ovaries feel swollen, but I think that's probably a good thing in this case.

The message in church today was to hold firm to faith while going through life's trials.  I admit that I don't have much faith that we will ever get pregnant by ourselves...and I don't have much faith that we will be able to adopt.  I'm not sure how to change my hardened heart after all this time.  I don't think it's something you do easily.

Insurance

My husband's employer recently switched prescription insurance carriers.  I didn't think much of it until I went to pick up my Clomid.  It is no longer covered.  Thankfully, it is still fairly cheap, but it is so disheartening to know that no other IF meds would be covered.  (Not that we were ever planning to go beyond Clomid--it's just another nail in the coffin.)

And...

I spoke with my husband about possibly being a foster home for short-term respite and police-protection respite.  He said he's cool with it if I want to do it.  Wow!

We have a lot to do before December!

Respite?

A former classmate is a social worker and suggested that we look into short-term respite care and police protection care (~3 days in each case) through the foster care system.  I thought I had put foster/adopt out of my mind.  We don't want kids in and out of our home after we've gotten attached to them.  However, I feel like I might be able to be okay with a very short-term placement.  It would get our home study done, get our name in the system, and fill our empty crib.  Our last experience with foster/adopt was not a pleasant one.  Our social worker really soured our opinion of it, so I'm not sure how my husband would feel about approaching this again.

The other problem is that the home study is extremely demanding.  It is much different than a home study for a "regular" adoption.  The thought of starting on it again is overwhelming.

Moving On

My doctor didn't up my dosage of Clomid (which I expected since I have been ovulating with it).  He didn't say how long he's going to have me keep going, nor did he give me any suggestions to help with CM.  So, I opted to do some research on my own.  I have found that I should a) drink a LOT of water b) take vitamin C together with grapeseed oil d) drink four cups of green tea a day and/or e) take evening primrose oil until ovulation, then switch to fish oil.  I'm doing them all.  LOL.  HOPEFULLY there will be a difference.

It's a No-Go

This cycle is officially over.  I'm going to call my doctor's office tomorrow and ask a few questions.  First, I want to know how long my doctor will have me take Clomid before he says it's over.  Most things I read say six cycles, but also no more than twelve cycles over a lifetime.  This was cycle #12 for me (over time) and cycle #4 this round.  Also, I have just about zero CM at the time of ovulation, which is probably part of my issue.  My doctor recommended I take Mucinex at ovulation to thin it, but if there isn't anything to thin, then it won't do any good.  I'm hoping there will be something else he can prescribe to take care of this problem.

Adoption Stumbling Block

I created a website for potential birth mothers/families to learn about us.  I felt it was a good idea until someone gave me a head's up that it may be illegal in my state.  I researched the law and it says this:


Use of Advertisement
Citation: Ann. Stat. § 59-2123(a)(1), (b)-(c)

No person shall advertise that such person will adopt, find an adoptive home for a child, or otherwise place a child for adoption. This provision shall not apply to a licensed child-placing agency. As used in this section, advertise means to communicate by newspaper, radio, television, handbills, placards or other print, broadcast, telephone directory, or electronic medium.

I don't always understand legal jargon, but I think this says that I need to take my website down and I'm not allowed to put the word out about us in any other way except through an agency or a lawyer.  All of this is so frustrating and we haven't even officially begun.  ::sigh::

Tempted

This morning, I was tempted to take a pregnancy test.  I have no real reason to believe that I could be pregnant this cycle, but the post-ovulation symptoms get me every time.  It is only 7 DPO, so it would be extremely early even if I were pregnant.  It's more wishful thinking than anything, I'm sure.  Wouldn't it be lovely, though?

Here and There

First and foremost, I ovulated!  I'm very pleased that last cycle was more of a fluke than a pattern.  Now I have to wait.

On the adoption front, I contacted several lawyers and one agency to get a feel for what they require of potential adoptive families.  Unfortunately, they all want $20-$30K.  All of them also require a $750 application fee, with the remaining amount due 24 hours after a match.  None of the money would roll over if a match fails, either...we would have to start over from scratch if that were to happen. There is just no way that we can afford that kind of financial burden.  Not now nor any time in the future.

All we can do is hope and pray that a child will come into our lives soon--either biologically or through a private adoption.

The End is Looming

I know I've said it before, but I have a feeling in my gut that we will not be able to conceive another child.  Last weekend, I held my cousin's newborn baby and truly felt that our family is not complete.  We need another squishy baby of our own.  This means that I am beginning to re-investigate adoption.  I currently have several web pages open and my heart is beating fast and I have a butterfly-feeling in my stomach.  Admittedly, I am terrified of adoption.  I'm afraid of rejection and of an even longer wait.  I'm afraid of fees that we cannot afford.  I'm afraid of problems with the birth mother/family and delays with finalization.  I'm afraid of having our hearts broken again.