CD 1

Unfortunately, I had another negative pregnancy test this morning.  That was followed by spotting and some cramping.  If CD 1 isn't today, it is sure to be tomorrow.

I have an appointment with my OB tomorrow to try something other than Clomid, but I'm not sure how much we'll proceed.  This will be the last cycle we try to get pregnant until July 2011.  I'm very sad about that, but I know it is for the best.

My husband and I discussed adoption again this morning.  He wants to have another baby, for sure, regardless of how the child comes to us.  I told him that it is a real possibility that adoption may be our only option.  He is fine with that, but at what point do we proceed?

At this point, I think I'd like to try again next summer, just for a last go at it.  I've only been gluten-free for three months at this point, so perhaps my body isn't healed enough yet to carry a pregnancy.  Maybe it will have been healed enough by then.  If we do not concieve successfully next summer, we will more than likely procced with attempting a private adoption.

Have I said that I hate this process with a passion?  I do.  I truly, truly do.

12 DPO

I took a pregnancy test this morning at 12 DPO.  I wasn't expecting much, but there is always a tingle of excitement that I try to stifle.  Unfortunately, the test was negative.  It may still be too early, but I'm not holding out much hope...particularly since AF showed on what would have been 10 DPO last cycle.

Ho hum.  I have an appointment on Friday morning to visit with my doctor about other options.  We only have one more cycle before we stop actively trying until next summer.

The Two Week Wait

"The two week wait," is killing me.  My temperatures were not looking very good, but then I had a nice jump this morning.  I'm trying not to get my hopes up, because I know there is a very real possiblity that my period will show in a week or less.

I made a consultation appointment with my OB for October 1st, yesterday.  I figure he'll want to see me at the beginning of my next cycle in case testing needs to be done on certain days.  I hope, hope, hope that I get to cancel it because I am pregnant, but I wanted to be prepared.  I'm not sure how we will proceed if I am not pregnant, as we will probably stop actively trying to concieve after my next cycle.  I don't know how we would be able to manage with me having a baby in the middle of a semester, so we will take another break.  I'll be sad about it, but I know that is probably what is best for the long run.

I need a miracle!

My Story on facesofloss.com

http://www.facesofloss.com/2010/09/sylvia-mom-to-baby-k-lost-on.html

Thank you for publishing my story!

Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Entering the Two Week Wait

According to my chart, I ovulated yesterday.  That means I have two weeks before I either get a positive pregnancy test or my period.  I'm not sure what is worse--waiting to ovulate, or waiting for (more than likely) AF.  Either way, I'm very impatient!

Never Forget

Eleven Months

Eleven months ago, we were on our way home from vacation in Colorado.  We'd had a great time and enjoyed the trip as our last vacation of a family of 3.  I was overjoyed at the thought of being pregnant after struggling with secondary infertility.  I had no idea that the baby we wished and prayed for had passed away.  Two days later was my daughter's third birthday.  I talked about my pregnancy and got many congratulations.  Two days after that, I started bleeding.  I went to my doctor for what should have been my first OB appointment.  I had a sonogram and it was determined that our baby did not have a heart beat.  Late that night, I began to miscarry naturally.  The next morning I had another sonogram and was told I would need a D&C.  That day also happened to be my birthday.

Also, a year ago today, I got my BFP.  (Big fat positive...pregnancy test).  09/09/09 is a hard date to forget.  I told my husband two days later on 9/11 so that he would have something to celebrate instead of (only) feeling sad about the WTC/FDNY.

Today is a somber, sad day for me.  I'm struggling with these 'milestones' more than I imagined that I would.

A Beautiful Quote

From time to time, I come across things that are comforting or inspiring and I like to share them here on my blog.  While searching for a quote about infant loss, I found this.  It made me cry in the computer lab of my university, but I thought it was too beautiful not to post--all over the interwebz.  LOL.

"They say that time in heaven is compared to 'the blink of an eye' for us on this earth. Sometimes it helps me to think of my child running ahead of me through a beautiful field of wildflowers and butterflies; so happy and completely caught up in what she is doing that when she looks behind her, I'll already be there."

No May Baby

AF decided to make an early appearance today.  I started spotting last night, but today there is no doubt.  Today would have been CD 26, which is at least 4 days early for me.  I'm a bit disappointed, but at the same time, I'm looking forward to this new cycle.  As my friend pointed out, going gluten-free may be straightening my body out, which would cause AF to come in a timely manner.

This will be my last cycle with Clomid, I assume.  My doctor said we'd try Clomid at 100 mg for 3 cycles and then move on to something else.  This is cycle #3.  Oy.