Feeling Cautiously Optimistic

Today, I heard about a potential match for us for a private adoption.  We had all but given up on private adoption because of the costs involved, but this situation is different.  I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much, because I know the possibility of the adoption not happening.  However, I am being cautiously optimistic.  Hopefully we will be parents to a new baby boy this coming May!

Thanksgiving

Today is Thanksgiving and it is a time to count our blessings.  I always try to write out what I am thankful for so that I can look at it when I am feeling down and discouraged.

I am thankful for my beautiful, funny, smart daughter.
I am thankful for my handsome, hardworking, husband who keeps me laughing.
I am thankful for our marriage and that it feels like it gets better and better with time.
I am thankful for our health and that we three are not sick today.  (Both my husband and daughter were in the last few days).
I am thankful for our modest, fixer-upper home.  I love it and don't plan on moving ever again.
I am thankful for my husband's job.  He worked so long and hard to get it and we will never forget that.  It isn't a high paying job, but it is his dream and he excels at it.
I am thankful to have (nearly) one semester behind me as a full-time college student (for the second time).
I am thankful that I do not have to work while I am going to school.  Things are tight, but not so much so that I have to spend even more time away from my family.
I am thankful for the little town in which we live and also our church.
I am thankful for my musical ability.  I may not be a professional, but I throughly enjoy making music in several different ways.
I am thankful for our decision to adopt.  It has been a long, painful road to get to this point, but I know we are closer to child #2 every day.

...I could go on and on!  I am truly blessed.

Gut Feelings

My friend showed me a neat DIY craft blog and it gave me some ideas on how to decorate our third bedroom.  I went to Hobby Lobby to browse supplies and thought, "I wonder what my second child will like."  At that thought, I had the strongest, most visceral feeling come over me.  It was as if I was being told that we absolutely have another child soon, and that we are finally on the right path to them.  I had the same feeling last night when Undercover Boss was talking about adopting children from foster care.  The feeling is so powerful it almost brings tears to my eyes every time I hear or think about it.

I cannot wait to get this process started!

Because I Love to Torture Myself

This morning, I took a pregnancy test.  This is our first unmonitored, unmedicated cycle in two years.  I checked the calendar to see when I should expect good ole AF, and it appears that I am overdue.  I know that when I'm not taking Clomid all bets are off on my cycle length, so the calendar doesn't count for much.  I decided to test this morning, just in case.  Of course it was negative.  I knew that before I took the thing.

::sigh::  I'm banning all HPT's from our house from now on.

More Signs

Tonight, I caught the tail-end of an information session for a foster/adoption agency.  There were five women there and I learned that three of us are from the same tiny town.  The lady giving the meeting said that it will probably be possible to get a MAPPS class right here.  That would be fantastic, as we wouldn't have to make another trip to 'town'.  I shared this information with my husband and another friend who is interested in taking the class, and we are all excited and hopeful!

An "Aha!" Moment

I received more paperwork in the mail today from a foster agency.  It spurred me to question, yet again, why it is that we are being led to adopt--and if that is truly the message we are supposed to receive.  Then, it hit me.  Of course we are meant to adopt.  You might ask what makes us so special, but I have a pretty firm idea of why.

My husband and I both had difficult childhoods.  Without going into specifics, I experienced a young life of neglect and my husband experienced abuse.  We came together at a young age (I was 17, my husband was 18) and clicked instantly.  I believe that we were given to each other at a point in our lives when we needed each other more than we could know.  As adults, we have been rejected by one facet of our biological families and have chosen to remove ourselves from another, for the sake of safety and sanity.

On the happier side of this story, we have also been accepted, nurtured, and loved by a family that is not biologically our own.  Also, we have also created our own, happy family within our home.  Our home is our sanctuary from the unjust and sad things in the world.  While we cannot keep all the bad out, we have a positive place where we can support and uplift each other.

Because of our experiences, I believe that we can relate to an adopted child.  More than likely, a child with whom we will be matched will have come from a situation similar to ours.  We have truly been adopted by a family that didn't necessarily have to accept us, let alone welcome us with open arms as their own.  We know that a family doesn't always mean that you are biologically related, but instead one that is open and loving--regardless of genetic makeup.

Planning

We received an application in the mail today for adoption through a foster care agency that is different than the one I spoke to a few days ago.  I decided to go ahead and fill it out to see how they work.  On the form, they have the choices of  foster care, adoption, and both.  That is reassuring to me.  The only hang-up with this particular agency, thus far, is that we would have to travel 30 minutes for the classes.

Also, I decided that over Thanksgiving break, I am going to begin preparations in our spare bedroom.  Right now, it is kind of a catch-all, so there is a lot that needs to be done.  I hope to get it painted and mostly cleaned out.  Then, over Christmas break, I will get more serious.  I want to look into purchasing a crib that coverts to a toddler bed.  Our ideal child to adopt would be an infant, but we are also going to look at children up to two years old--maybe three years old, depending on the situation.  If we have a crib, we can just take the front off and have a toddler bed.  I also need to find a dresser.  We have a nice rocker/recliner in our daughter's room that will need to be moved into that room (for rocking babies to sleep!).  I will go through our daughter's toys to get the younger ones out and into a tub in that room.

I have spoken with several people who have experience in the fostering/adoption world, and it is reassuring to have a great network and wealth of information.  I know we are going to have a million questions along the way and maybe need someone to hold our hand, so we are grateful for them all.

Wow

Today is a two-fer post day.  I've been listening to "For Those Who Wait," over and over lately.  I first put it on my blog while we were still hoping to get pregnant.  I've been concentrating on the lyrics and it hit me just now how exactly fitting it is for our situation.  Here are the lyrics.

This is for those who wait

Another day, another waiting game
A little different but it's still the same
I am here, but where's the one I'm longing for?
I'm having trouble feeling all alone
Will my heart ever find a home?
I want to hope but sometimes I just don't know
I know I'm not the only one

So we sing a lullaby to the lonely hearts tonight
Let it set your heart on fire, let it set you free
When you're fighting to believe
In a love that you can't see
Just know there is a purpose
For those who wait

I want to open up my eyes
I know that all I need is time
I'm growing stronger every single day
God, I'm going to lean into You now
Letting go of all my fear and doubt
I can't do this on my own so I'll give You control
I know I'm not the only one

The pressure makes us stronger
The struggle makes us hunger
The hard lessons make the difference
The pressure makes us stronger
The struggle makes us hunger
The hard lessons make the difference
And the difference makes it worth it

Frustration

I just received a call from the lady from the foster-to-adopt agency.  She explained to me that they are now requiring families who want to adopt to be strictly foster parents to start.  I asked her for how long, and she said it depends.  Then, she went on to tell me about a family who fostered a little boy for a year.  I told her that I wasn't sure that is something we are able and willing to do.  If we didn't already have our daughter, maybe it wouldn't matter as much.  However, I am not willing to have someone in her life (as a sibling) for a year and then have them removed.  We are also not willing to take children older than her.  Not only that, but it will take us even longer to adopt a child of our own if we have to foster for x amount of time.

The lady is sending us the information, but I feel so discouraged right now.  First, there is no way that we can afford an adoption through an agency or a private adoption, and now we may not be able to do fostering-to-adopt.  I just want to scream.

A Lady Who Knows

"I have been through a lot and have suffered a great deal. But I have had lots of happy moments, as well . . .The good, the bad, the hardship, the joy, the tragedy, love, and happiness, are all interwoven into one single indescribable whole that is called life. You cannot separate the good from the bad. And perhaps there is no need to do so, either." -Jackie Kennedy.

And So the Rollercoaster Ride Begins

I received a letter today from the adoption attorney, outlining her services and what to expect along the way.  She requires $5000 to be placed in a retainer account at the time that a birth mother is matched with the family.  She also charges $200 an hour and $50 an hour for her assistant.  We would be expected to pay some of the living and medical expenses of the birth mother up to six weeks after she has given birth.  In order to have more extensive information sent to us, we must respond with a $250 check.

Compared to working with an agency, her fees are next to nothing.  However, it is still a lot of money for us to just write a check for.  I don't know how we'd be able to do it, particularly knowing that the birth mother could back out at any time, leaving us with nothing to show for it.  We would lose all of our money in that case.

I feel like we've hit a brick wall and we are barely out of the starting gate.  I was so hopeful and excited before I read the letter.  ::sigh::