Yesterday was a hard day for me. I had another low temp which made me really upset. I didn't want to get out of bed and I certainly did not want to go to church. My husband essentially made me go, though, and I was mostly glad that I did. After church, we went out to eat with some good friends from our church, which helped to lift my spirits some. I still couldn't shake my blues completely, though. I then went shopping with some gift cards that I got for Christmas. I bought some new clothes and a big tote. When I got home, I went to my closet and put all of my maternity clothes in the tote. They have been hanging there since even before I got pregnant. After I lost the baby, I couldn't bear to put them away. Then, I was so hopeful for this cycle that I decided to just let them be. I just can't hold onto false hope anymore for this cycle, though. I hope it helps me to have them out of sight.
Today started like yesterday...crappy temps, which put me in a funk. However, I started doing some research about why my temps may be so low at this point. My friend and pastor has been telling me for several months now that she thinks I need to have my progesterone levels checked. Wouldn't you know--everything I'm reading points to that exact cause. Low progesterone could have also caused my miscarriage. I immediately put in a call to my doctor's office for a consultation. Unfortunately, they can't get me in for a couple of weeks. I hope that is enough time to not lose the next cycle, also. In the meantime, I suppose I can hold out hope that my period will come on it's own. I'm on cycle day 23 right now, so I hope it shows up in about a week or so. It would be great to not have to delay things even further with Provera.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Friday, December 25, 2009
Probably a False Alarm
*Le sigh* Sooo, my temperatures are not good. They are suppose to dip down (usually signaling ovulation) and then rise by a lot and stay up if pregnancy occurred. Well, mine dipped, but didn't come up much...and then dipped again. We timed 'baby dancing' around the first dip, so if I ovulated later, we missed it. Then again, this may turn out to be another cycle that I don't ovulate. If that is the case, then I'm back on Clomid next month. Ugh. So bummed!
Apart from that--Merry Christmas!
Apart from that--Merry Christmas!
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Did That Really Happen?
According to my chart, I ovulated yesterday. WOW! For the first time in a year, my body did what it was supposed to, when it was supposed to. I don't even know what to think of it. I'm hopeful that I'll be making a very joyful announcement soon, but trying not to get my hopes up too much. I'm just thrilled (at this point) that I was able to ovulate without the assistance of Clomid. That in itself is a huge relief.
So now, I'm in what is commonly referred to as the 'two week wait'. I'll be twiddling my thumbs, trying to stay occupied and not over analyze every little twinge or weird feeling I have! Stay tuned...this could get interesting.
So now, I'm in what is commonly referred to as the 'two week wait'. I'll be twiddling my thumbs, trying to stay occupied and not over analyze every little twinge or weird feeling I have! Stay tuned...this could get interesting.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
In Case You Were Wondering
I'm still here...still waiting. I think that ovulation is upon us, so we just need to get busy. :)
If you know anything about charting, there is a link to mine on this page. Take a gander if you'd like.
I hope to have some super good news to share before very long!
If you know anything about charting, there is a link to mine on this page. Take a gander if you'd like.
I hope to have some super good news to share before very long!
Monday, December 14, 2009
On the Road Again
Today is CD (Cycle Day) 9. I'm getting nearer to a potential ovulation and getting excited and anxious. To prepare, I am taking my Dong Quoi, Chaseberry, and drinking pomegranate juice. I've also been sure to take my multi-vitamin (with 100% recommended daily value of folic acid) every day. I opted to try this cycle without Clomid. I'm keeping track of my temperatures and will probably start using ovulation tests tomorrow. If I ovulate on my own and do not get pregnant, we'll try again next month without Clomid. However, if I do not ovulate, I'll request it again for next month cycle. (Next month might be wishful thinking...my cycles have been super long for a year now.) I didn't like how it made me feel and the complications I had with it, so I hope to avoid taking it again.
So, in the meantime, I'm waiting. This entire process of trying to get pregnant is a waiting game--and it get very old, very quickly!
So, in the meantime, I'm waiting. This entire process of trying to get pregnant is a waiting game--and it get very old, very quickly!
Thursday, December 10, 2009
A Month of Anniversaries
December marks a lot of things for most people. Namely, Christmas and New Year's Eve. We also have two anniversaries this month. One good, one a bit discouraging.
First, my husband and I started dating 9 years ago on December 12th. (Don't ask me how I remember that date!) I was a junior in high school, he was a senior. We've been through so much in our near-decade together and we are nothing but stronger as a couple. I am so thankful for that!
December also marks one year of trying to have another baby. It is hard to believe that a year ago, I had no clue where our journey to try to have another baby would take us. Crazy how life changes.
First, my husband and I started dating 9 years ago on December 12th. (Don't ask me how I remember that date!) I was a junior in high school, he was a senior. We've been through so much in our near-decade together and we are nothing but stronger as a couple. I am so thankful for that!
December also marks one year of trying to have another baby. It is hard to believe that a year ago, I had no clue where our journey to try to have another baby would take us. Crazy how life changes.
Monday, December 7, 2009
A Small Victory
Yesterday, "Aunt Flo" made an appearance. I don't think I've ever had such strong, mixed feelings about a normal body function. The good, obviously, is that my body is, hopefully, back on track and we have the potential to get pregnant again this month. On the flip side, the last time I felt like this, I was miscarrying--that brings up some unpleasant memories. I'm trying not to dwell too much on that fact, though, and am looking forward ad the positive.
...okay, so Christmas might be pushing it to get a BFP (Big Fat Postive), but one can hope, right? :)
...okay, so Christmas might be pushing it to get a BFP (Big Fat Postive), but one can hope, right? :)
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Like a Punch in the Gut
If you have read my whole blog, then you already know some of this, but I'll re-tell the details anyway.
I was taking Provera when I was very newly pregnant with the baby we lost. However, I did not know that I was pregnant at the time. I took a test before starting the medication and it was negative. I made the mistake of taking the test in the middle of the afternoon instead of the morning, though. (It is recommended to test first thing in the morning when the hormone level is in highest concentration). I was just positive there was no way I was pregnant. Afterall, I had a huge cyst on my ovary and my temperatures were crazy. I took Provera for 10 days and then waited for my period to arrive. 11 days later, I was still waiting and took another pregnancy test--it was positive. I was thrilled, but at the same time terrified since I had been taking the Provera. My OB's nurse assured me that everything would be fine. Obviously that was not the case.
Then, tonight, I was reading about Provera again. I came across this information, and now can't shake the sick feeling I have in my stomach. It makes me feel like I caused the loss of our baby.
I was taking Provera when I was very newly pregnant with the baby we lost. However, I did not know that I was pregnant at the time. I took a test before starting the medication and it was negative. I made the mistake of taking the test in the middle of the afternoon instead of the morning, though. (It is recommended to test first thing in the morning when the hormone level is in highest concentration). I was just positive there was no way I was pregnant. Afterall, I had a huge cyst on my ovary and my temperatures were crazy. I took Provera for 10 days and then waited for my period to arrive. 11 days later, I was still waiting and took another pregnancy test--it was positive. I was thrilled, but at the same time terrified since I had been taking the Provera. My OB's nurse assured me that everything would be fine. Obviously that was not the case.
Then, tonight, I was reading about Provera again. I came across this information, and now can't shake the sick feeling I have in my stomach. It makes me feel like I caused the loss of our baby.
Provera should never be taken during pregnancy. Avoid it if you even suspect you're pregnant. Doctors once prescribed Provera as a test for pregnancy, but no longer do so for 2 reasons:
- Quicker, safer pregnancy tests are now available.
- If you are in fact pregnant, Provera might injure the baby.
Similarly, Provera used to be given to try to prevent miscarriage. However, doctors now believe that this treatment is not only ineffective but also potentially harmful to the baby.
You should never take Provera during the first 4 months of pregnancy. During this formative period, even a few days of treatment with Provera might put your unborn baby at increased risk for birth defects. If you take Provera and later discover that you were pregnant when you took it, discuss this with your doctor right away.
You should never take Provera during the first 4 months of pregnancy. During this formative period, even a few days of treatment with Provera might put your unborn baby at increased risk for birth defects. If you take Provera and later discover that you were pregnant when you took it, discuss this with your doctor right away.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Day #8
Two more days of Provera. Bring it on! I'm so ready. In the meantime, while my body sits idle, here is a Calvin and Hobbes cartoon that sums the feelings of miscarriage up. A lady on a message board I frequent has it in her 'signature,' and I just had to put it up here:
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Quote
While searching for an inspirational quote for some graphic-design work, I came across this from Mother Theresa. I couldn't pass putting it up on my blog:
"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much." ~Mother Teresa
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Starting Over
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Trying to Decide
A week from today, I get to call for an Rx for Provera to get my body jump started. (That is, if my period doesn't show up between then and now...but I'm not holding my breath!) I've been taking the herbs Dong Quai and Vitex for about a month now. I've read that it can take a couple of months for them to take effect, but I'm getting tired of taking a handful of pills everyday, twice a day to no avail. Yes, I'm being impatient! LOL. I just can't wait to get my body back on track. In the meantime, I'm trying to lay low on other things. I stopped taking my temperature and keeping track of every little thing. It is still constantly on my mind, though, so it isn't like I'm relaxing about it. *Le sigh*
Anyway...those are my ramblings for tonight. :)
Anyway...those are my ramblings for tonight. :)
Monday, November 16, 2009
Just In Case...
The other day, a good friend told me that he'd read my blog and was worried about me. I assured him that I was really doing better than it appears from what I write on my blog. I thought I might make a more positive note to let everyone who reads this know that I really am okay.
I am very blessed. I have a fabulous husband, a gorgeous daughter, a supportive family, and a myriad of friends behind me. I live in a great town, have a wonderful home, love my job, ad nauseum. I went through a traumatic ordeal that I do not wish upon my worst enemy, but I'm coming through it. I have my moments, and when they occur, I usually write about them here. I vent about it and then feel relieved until the next moment comes along. I can go for days without crying now. If I do cry, it is usually only for a small while, and then I move on.
So, many, many thanks for all of your support. Just the fact that you read this blog means a lot to me.
I am very blessed. I have a fabulous husband, a gorgeous daughter, a supportive family, and a myriad of friends behind me. I live in a great town, have a wonderful home, love my job, ad nauseum. I went through a traumatic ordeal that I do not wish upon my worst enemy, but I'm coming through it. I have my moments, and when they occur, I usually write about them here. I vent about it and then feel relieved until the next moment comes along. I can go for days without crying now. If I do cry, it is usually only for a small while, and then I move on.
So, many, many thanks for all of your support. Just the fact that you read this blog means a lot to me.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
More Hard Moments
Today, I made the mistake of trying to figure out how far along I should have been at this point in my pergnancy. I was supposed to have been almost 14 weeks pregnant at this point. I would have probably started to feel some little flutterings soon and would also be able to find out whether we were having a boy or girl within a few weeks. My friends who are due around the time I was are begining to show a bit. Let's just say that it is hard.
This week marks one month since my D&C. How it is possible it has been a month, I'll never know. It is good and bad, but mostly good that time is passing and we're moving on. (For the most part). I have yet to get my 'regular' cycles back, but that is to be expected. My doctor said that if I haven't gotten a period within 6 weeks post-D&C, she'll give me medicine to get things rolling. I'm a planner, so I know that means it will be even longer before we can get pregnant. Two weeks from now will be the end of November. Add 10 days on to that taking the medicine, probably a week or so of a period, then two weeks of waiting to see if I ovulate... If we are so lucky to get pregnant on the first cycle, we are looking at another October baby. My husband, daughter, and myself are all October birthdays. I'm okay with that. I can be okay with it. *Please, please, please don't take much longer than that!* December would mark a year of trying for another baby. Ouch.
This week marks one month since my D&C. How it is possible it has been a month, I'll never know. It is good and bad, but mostly good that time is passing and we're moving on. (For the most part). I have yet to get my 'regular' cycles back, but that is to be expected. My doctor said that if I haven't gotten a period within 6 weeks post-D&C, she'll give me medicine to get things rolling. I'm a planner, so I know that means it will be even longer before we can get pregnant. Two weeks from now will be the end of November. Add 10 days on to that taking the medicine, probably a week or so of a period, then two weeks of waiting to see if I ovulate... If we are so lucky to get pregnant on the first cycle, we are looking at another October baby. My husband, daughter, and myself are all October birthdays. I'm okay with that. I can be okay with it. *Please, please, please don't take much longer than that!* December would mark a year of trying for another baby. Ouch.
Monday, November 9, 2009
A Page for Baby
Today, I looked at my sonogram picture of the baby for the first time since our loss. I love doing digital scrapbooking (and graphic design stuff in general), but haven't made a page in months because of school. I felt compelled to scrap for the baby. It brought up my sadness again, but I know it is normal and won't be the last time the emotions bubble to the surface.
(It reads: On September 9th, 2009, we discovered our second child was on the way. We were thrilled. Unfortunately, our angel wasn't meant to stay with us. On October 8th, at 9 weeks, our baby went home to heaven.)
(It reads: On September 9th, 2009, we discovered our second child was on the way. We were thrilled. Unfortunately, our angel wasn't meant to stay with us. On October 8th, at 9 weeks, our baby went home to heaven.)
Sunday, November 8, 2009
My Weekend
On Friday night, I went to The Blue Moon with some friends. I hadn't been there since before my miscarriage. I sang a lot of karaoke and had a great time just hanging out. My husband stayed home to take care of our daughter. When he dropped me off, he made the comment that we should compromise by me going out that night and he could go hunting the next morning. I told him that was fine and went on my way. The next morning, he came home and was very vague about his hunting expedition. That is out of character for him--he usually tells me every little detail, so I knew something was up. He went out the the car and came back in and told me that he hadn't really been hunting. He had gone to Walmart at 6 am and stood in line for 2 hours to buy me a new laptop. I just melted. I'm so excited about my new computer, but the fact that he did that for me--it means more than I can put into words.
Today (Sunday), I went to visit my grandparents. Their church was having a 125th anniversary. I spent a lot of time with them and in the church as a kid, so we decided to make the trip down. I'm glad we did. The service was nice, it was great to see old friends, and the pastor's message really spoke to me. After the service and meal, I spoke to the pastor. He didn't know about my miscarriage, so I told him a bit about it. He suddenly reached out to me and prayed that God heal my body and allow me to carry a healthy baby to full-term. I was so moved by that, it almost made me tear up.
I have to share a little bit of the message from the pastor today. He said, "Where you begin has nothing to do with where you end up." His example was that Jesus was born in a stable, but that didn't prevent Him from achieving all that He did/does. I've had a lot of adversity in my life--not just my miscarriage. Thankfully, I feel like I've come through most of it in as good as shape as could be and carried on. However, what the pastor said today reaffirmed that for me and renewed my feelings about overcoming adversity.
Anyway, I know that's pretty 'church-y', but it moved me and I hope that it might also touch you in some way.
Today (Sunday), I went to visit my grandparents. Their church was having a 125th anniversary. I spent a lot of time with them and in the church as a kid, so we decided to make the trip down. I'm glad we did. The service was nice, it was great to see old friends, and the pastor's message really spoke to me. After the service and meal, I spoke to the pastor. He didn't know about my miscarriage, so I told him a bit about it. He suddenly reached out to me and prayed that God heal my body and allow me to carry a healthy baby to full-term. I was so moved by that, it almost made me tear up.
I have to share a little bit of the message from the pastor today. He said, "Where you begin has nothing to do with where you end up." His example was that Jesus was born in a stable, but that didn't prevent Him from achieving all that He did/does. I've had a lot of adversity in my life--not just my miscarriage. Thankfully, I feel like I've come through most of it in as good as shape as could be and carried on. However, what the pastor said today reaffirmed that for me and renewed my feelings about overcoming adversity.
Anyway, I know that's pretty 'church-y', but it moved me and I hope that it might also touch you in some way.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
One Flaw in Women
My mom emailed this to me and I thought it was appropriate to share here.
One Flaw In Women
Women have strengths that amaze men.....
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in..
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer
when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel
and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about
a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they
think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss
can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what
makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideas.
They give moral support to their
family and friends.
Women have vital things to say
and everything to give.
HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,
IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.
One Flaw In Women
Women have strengths that amaze men.....
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in..
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer
when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel
and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about
a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they
think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss
can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what
makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideas.
They give moral support to their
family and friends.
Women have vital things to say
and everything to give.
HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,
IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.
Monday, November 2, 2009
The Bills Start Coming In
Since my D&C, I dread going to the mailbox. I'm afraid to see how much this is going to cost us. Last week, we got a bill for a sonogram, but I think it was the one I had done at 7 1/2 weeks. I had two others, so those bills have yet to get here. Today, we got the bill for the anesthesiologist. It was a lot less than I expected, so I'm thankful for that. The scary bill will be the one for the actual surgery. I've heard that a D&C is around $10,000. We have insurance, but I have no idea how much they will cover! Hopefully it will be more than I'm anticipating...
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Interesting
I found this information online about some other natural ways to help get pregnant. I can't take credit for the information and I also can't give credit...I'm not sure where it came from. Nonetheless, it might be worth a shot, so I'm adding it here.
Using Pineapple to Assist Implantation: Pineapple contains bromelain. Bromelain is a proteolytic enzyme that breaks up proteins that inhibit embryo implantation. Consuming a whole pineapple (focusing on the core as it has the highest concentration of Bromelain) during a fertility cycle can be beneficial.
For IVF [in vitro fertilization] cycle: one pineapple, divided into 5 portions - consume one portion each day, over five days, beginning on the day of your embryo transfer.
IUI [intra-uterine insemination] cycle: one pineapple, divided into 5 portions - consume one portion each day, over five days, beginning on the day of your IUI.
Timed intercourse cycle: one pineapple, divided into 5 portions - consume one portion each day, over five days, beginning on the day after ovulation.
Note: Be careful not to start consuming pineapple too early in the cycle. Beginning to consume pineapple BEFORE the recommended days above can actually affect your vaginal and cervical mucus PH, making it more acidic.
Using Pineapple to Assist Implantation: Pineapple contains bromelain. Bromelain is a proteolytic enzyme that breaks up proteins that inhibit embryo implantation. Consuming a whole pineapple (focusing on the core as it has the highest concentration of Bromelain) during a fertility cycle can be beneficial.
For IVF [in vitro fertilization] cycle: one pineapple, divided into 5 portions - consume one portion each day, over five days, beginning on the day of your embryo transfer.
IUI [intra-uterine insemination] cycle: one pineapple, divided into 5 portions - consume one portion each day, over five days, beginning on the day of your IUI.
Timed intercourse cycle: one pineapple, divided into 5 portions - consume one portion each day, over five days, beginning on the day after ovulation.
Note: Be careful not to start consuming pineapple too early in the cycle. Beginning to consume pineapple BEFORE the recommended days above can actually affect your vaginal and cervical mucus PH, making it more acidic.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Finally--Some Good News
I had my post D&C appointment today. My doctor didn't do an exam, she just talked to me. She asked about how I was doing physically and then asked if we wanted to start trying to get pregnant again soon. I told her that we'd like to as soon as she said it was okay. She said that we could start trying right away. We are so relieved that we don't have to wait--at least in theory. We'll see what my body does.
Because of my previous infertility issues, she asked what I wanted to do as far as Clomid goes. Since I became pregnant with the baby we just lost on cycle that I did not take Clomid, we are hoping that I can do that again--this time with a baby that 'sticks'. I asked her how long to wait for a period before needing Provera. She said to give it 3-4 weeks from now, then all I have to do is call and they'll fax it over to the pharmacy for me. (Woot for one less office visit!) I showed her the herbs that I'm taking (Vitrex and Dong Quai), but she didn't really say anything. I'm sure she's not expecting them to do much, but she did say they won't hurt anything. The great thing is, she said she's willing to take this new chapter in whatever direction we want to.
Today, I have hope!
Because of my previous infertility issues, she asked what I wanted to do as far as Clomid goes. Since I became pregnant with the baby we just lost on cycle that I did not take Clomid, we are hoping that I can do that again--this time with a baby that 'sticks'. I asked her how long to wait for a period before needing Provera. She said to give it 3-4 weeks from now, then all I have to do is call and they'll fax it over to the pharmacy for me. (Woot for one less office visit!) I showed her the herbs that I'm taking (Vitrex and Dong Quai), but she didn't really say anything. I'm sure she's not expecting them to do much, but she did say they won't hurt anything. The great thing is, she said she's willing to take this new chapter in whatever direction we want to.
Today, I have hope!
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
The Reality of It All
This morning, I woke up from a very vivid dream about my D&C. It put me in a funk this morning, but I was determined to shake it. I was also a bit down because I learned about 2 more people being pregnant and due close to when I was. Then, my husband came home from work this morning and told me that one of his co-worker's wives is very newly pregnant. I know he meant no malice by it, but I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach.
The reality is, I know 7 people who will be having babies when I was supposed to. I will watch them develop cute baby bellies, see their pictures, and eventually give birth. The reality is, I am the statistic. Do I feel anger toward the pregnant women? No, of course not. It isn't their fault that I lost my baby. They shouldn't have any less joy because I can only dream of holding my baby. The world doesn't stop for me or my loss--and it shouldn't. It doesn't make it any easier, though.
So, I cry, write a blog entry, and get over it...at least for today.
The reality is, I know 7 people who will be having babies when I was supposed to. I will watch them develop cute baby bellies, see their pictures, and eventually give birth. The reality is, I am the statistic. Do I feel anger toward the pregnant women? No, of course not. It isn't their fault that I lost my baby. They shouldn't have any less joy because I can only dream of holding my baby. The world doesn't stop for me or my loss--and it shouldn't. It doesn't make it any easier, though.
So, I cry, write a blog entry, and get over it...at least for today.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
The Tattoo
The craziest thing that my loss and struggle inspired was my tattoo. I got it a week ago today. I'd wanted one for years, but planned on only getting one, so I wanted it to mean a lot to me. I had the basic idea for this tattoo for quite some time, but it felt silly and frivolous to get it, so I waited. After the doctor told me that we'd lost the baby, I had an overwhelming feeling that now was the time to get it. I brought in my idea to the tattoo artist and he improved on it. It hurt like crazy, but I think it was worth it. I have it between my shoulder blades, so it will almost always be hidden, but I have something that has a piece of it dedicated to the baby we lost with me forever.
The tattoo as a whole is a Celtic knot. My heritage is largely Scottish (please note the freckles in the picture...lol), and I identify with it. I also think that Celtic knots are beautiful. Next, the two rings represent my marriage. I couldn't get through this life without my husband, so naturally, I had to include it. The cross represents my faith. I also could not get through life without my faith and my church family. I realized the other day that the cross is holding the rings...which is symbolic in itself. The three pink circles around the knot are for my husband, our daughter, and myself. We all have October birthdays, and October has a pink stone. The green circle in the middle of the cross is for the baby we lost. S/he was due in May, which is an emerald birthstone. If you notice, I left a blank area for another birthstone. I hope that we're able to add it to this tattoo very soon!
Dealing with The Loss
As I said before, I feel pretty strong, despite the circumstances. My healing to this point has been thanks to several different factors. The first and foremost is my incredible support system. Because of the wonder that is the internet, I had a multitude of people praying for us and checking in on me. I have friends and family locally--and not so locally--who took time to give us some comfort. Some sent emails, some text messages or called, other sent flowers and cards. I got a log of hugs and offers to help in anyway that people could. I don't think I could have picked myself up the way I did had I not had so many people lifting me up. I have to also give kudos to my husband. He has absolutely been my rock throughout this. He's held me and not said a word when that was exactly what I needed, let me cry and scream to him, taken time off of work to be with me (he doesn't take time off of work for himself, so that is a huge thing), and really stepped up with things around the house. He's always been a great guy, husband, and father, but I feel like a blessing out of this tragedy is that we have come even closer together.
Another way that I deal with things is writing...hence this blog. The night that I started miscarrying, I wrote this poem. It isn't my best work, but it was written in the heat of the moment and is full of my raw emotion:
Little Baby
Little baby
I dreamed of you
I prayed for you
We talked, we tried and tried
Soon, you were on your way
Little baby
One fine day
I saw two lines
We danced, we rejoiced, we sang
Soon, you were on your way
Little baby
Momma saw you
Daddy saw you
Sister saw you
Little baby
My body changed
As you grew
We shopped, we laughed, we dreamed
Soon, you were on your way
Little baby
One sad day
I saw red
We called, we paced, we begged
Soon, you were on your way
Little baby
They said no
You were gone
We sighed, we screamed, we cried
But you were on your way
Oh, little baby
Momma’s gonna be alright
Daddy’s gonna be alright
Sister’s gonna be alright
Hush now baby…sleep
Another way that I deal with things is writing...hence this blog. The night that I started miscarrying, I wrote this poem. It isn't my best work, but it was written in the heat of the moment and is full of my raw emotion:
Little Baby
Little baby
I dreamed of you
I prayed for you
We talked, we tried and tried
Soon, you were on your way
Little baby
One fine day
I saw two lines
We danced, we rejoiced, we sang
Soon, you were on your way
Little baby
Momma saw you
Daddy saw you
Sister saw you
Little baby
My body changed
As you grew
We shopped, we laughed, we dreamed
Soon, you were on your way
Little baby
One sad day
I saw red
We called, we paced, we begged
Soon, you were on your way
Little baby
They said no
You were gone
We sighed, we screamed, we cried
But you were on your way
Oh, little baby
Momma’s gonna be alright
Daddy’s gonna be alright
Sister’s gonna be alright
Hush now baby…sleep
A New Chapter
Tomorrow, it has been two weeks since my D&C. This Thursday is my follow-up appointment with my OB. I've read that she could tell me anything from we could start trying again right away to we have to wait for 6 or more months. A lot of it will depend on me emotional state, I think. Overall, I feel pretty strong. Last night, I wrote all of the entries before this one and it was hard. I only teared up, though. I think that's a big step and noticeable progress!
I've done some research on some natural remedies to help with my long, unproductive cycles. (It is a possibility that somewhere in all of this mess, my body straightened itself out, but I'm not holding my breath!) Two herbs that I found are Chasteberry (aka Vitex) and Dong Quai. (I'll let you follow my links for more info on the two herbs). They are both supposed to help with the regulation of cycles, which is a biggie for me. I talked to the lady at natural food/product store about what I should buy. There was a "Women's Fertility" supplement there, but it was lacking the Vitex. It had some other things in it like Black Cohosh which may have been beneficial, but in the end, we decided that buying a bottle of Vitex and a bottle of Dong Quai and taking them together may have the most effect for me.
I don't expect a miracle from these herbs, but I won't turn one away, either. I've read that it can take a couple of months for them to start working, but we may have that much time before we are supposed to start trying again, anyway.
Another alternative medicine that I looked into is acupuncture. Apparently, it can be very effective. I've also found it to be rather expensive. I have only talked to one local place, but their regimen consists of two visits a week for four weeks. To begin, you need a scan, which costs $40. Then, each session costs $50. Unfortunately, that is above my budget. I may call around and see what other doctor's prices are and also my insurance to see if any of it would be covered.
I may be putting the horse before the cart with all of this, but I want to be pro-active this time and try to avoid the side-effects and complications I experienced with the fertility medicine. I'll be sure to keep track of my progress and report my findings here.
I've done some research on some natural remedies to help with my long, unproductive cycles. (It is a possibility that somewhere in all of this mess, my body straightened itself out, but I'm not holding my breath!) Two herbs that I found are Chasteberry (aka Vitex) and Dong Quai. (I'll let you follow my links for more info on the two herbs). They are both supposed to help with the regulation of cycles, which is a biggie for me. I talked to the lady at natural food/product store about what I should buy. There was a "Women's Fertility" supplement there, but it was lacking the Vitex. It had some other things in it like Black Cohosh which may have been beneficial, but in the end, we decided that buying a bottle of Vitex and a bottle of Dong Quai and taking them together may have the most effect for me.
I don't expect a miracle from these herbs, but I won't turn one away, either. I've read that it can take a couple of months for them to start working, but we may have that much time before we are supposed to start trying again, anyway.
Another alternative medicine that I looked into is acupuncture. Apparently, it can be very effective. I've also found it to be rather expensive. I have only talked to one local place, but their regimen consists of two visits a week for four weeks. To begin, you need a scan, which costs $40. Then, each session costs $50. Unfortunately, that is above my budget. I may call around and see what other doctor's prices are and also my insurance to see if any of it would be covered.
I may be putting the horse before the cart with all of this, but I want to be pro-active this time and try to avoid the side-effects and complications I experienced with the fertility medicine. I'll be sure to keep track of my progress and report my findings here.
It Gets Worse (Warning: A bit graphic)
I had a hard time sleeping again, thinking about everything. I had also started feeling a bit crampy, but I assumed that was because I'd had so many exams in a short period of time. Around midnight, my cramps turned into much more--contractions. The contractions were very painful and only gave me a few minutes of relief between them. This went on for a couple of hours until I felt a 'pop' and then a gush. I ran to the bathroom and lost a lot of blood and some clots and/or tissue. All the while, I was still having very painful contractions. A few minutes later, I felt like things had let up, so I put a pad in and went back to bed. About a half hour later, I was back in the bathroom with the same thing. This pattern continued for a few hours, then the contractions fell back into something more like period-cramps. I was still having to run to the bathroom and eventually left the light on because I knew I'd be back. I began to feel faint and light-headed from all of the blood loss. Because my D&C was scheduled for the next day, I wasn't to eat or drink anything after midnight. At one point, I had to lie on the bathroom floor to keep from passing out. Around 6 am, the bleeding finally slowed enough that I could fall asleep.
Through all of this, I started feeling angry. In my mind, I asked God, "Where are you and why are you making me go through this? I already lost the baby and now I have to suffer even more?" I begged God to make it stop. I asked my husband what I'd done to deserve such a horrible thing. It truly was the worst thing I've gone through up to this point in my life. However, I think that it somehow helped me to accept and cope with the loss of the baby. There was no question that the baby was gone.
The next morning, I went in to have yet another sonogram. The doctor wanted to see how much tissue was remaining. I made sure not to look at the screen this time. The nurse called me on the way back to the clinic to tell me that I needed to head over to the surgical center for my D&C. I was nervous and agitated about it. I said to my husband, "This just keeps getting better, doesn't it? I lose the baby, suffer through a natural miscarriage, and now I have to have a D&C on top of it? Happy freakin' birthday to me!"
Despite my feelings about everything, the D&C was very smooth. The nurses were kind and funny. I had no complications from the anesthesia or the procedure. At this point, I'd say that I'm probably fully recovered, although I do still tire a lot more quickly than my norm.
Through all of this, I started feeling angry. In my mind, I asked God, "Where are you and why are you making me go through this? I already lost the baby and now I have to suffer even more?" I begged God to make it stop. I asked my husband what I'd done to deserve such a horrible thing. It truly was the worst thing I've gone through up to this point in my life. However, I think that it somehow helped me to accept and cope with the loss of the baby. There was no question that the baby was gone.
The next morning, I went in to have yet another sonogram. The doctor wanted to see how much tissue was remaining. I made sure not to look at the screen this time. The nurse called me on the way back to the clinic to tell me that I needed to head over to the surgical center for my D&C. I was nervous and agitated about it. I said to my husband, "This just keeps getting better, doesn't it? I lose the baby, suffer through a natural miscarriage, and now I have to have a D&C on top of it? Happy freakin' birthday to me!"
Despite my feelings about everything, the D&C was very smooth. The nurses were kind and funny. I had no complications from the anesthesia or the procedure. At this point, I'd say that I'm probably fully recovered, although I do still tire a lot more quickly than my norm.
Monday, October 26, 2009
A Very Sad Day
The morning of my first OB appointment, I went straight to the bathroom to check for more bleeding. It had again turned to brown spotting, so I had some hope, but was still very nervous. When I got to the clinic, the receptionist was about to send me to my seat when I asked if the doctor knew I'd called the night before. She didn't find a note on my chart, so I told her I had to call because I had some bleeding. Her face fell and said, "Okay, have a seat, Sweetheart." I sat down, surrounded by pregnant bellies, and couldn't hold back the tears. When the nurse took me back, I started bawling. My doctor did an exam and then sent me over to have another sonogram.
The sonogram tech did the usual kind of ultrasound and then decided that I needed to have a vaginal sonogram to "get a closer look" at everything. The whole time, I stared at the ceiling. I didn't want to see what she was seeing on the screen. After she was finished, she had me wait in the room while she talked to the doctor who was reading the sonogram. I sat in the dark room with the images of my baby on the screen. I tried not to look, but failed. I saw my baby, much clearer this time than the previous sonogram. I could see the head, the eyes, the tiny body with the arms and legs. When I got back out to the car, I told my husband that I knew something was wrong because my uterus looked like it was caved in at the top. I was hoping that it was something that could be fixed, though.
When I got back over to my doctor's office, they took me right in. My doctor came into the exam room with a sad look on her face and said, "I'm so sorry. The baby doesn't have a heartbeat." She told me that the baby had passed away 5 days earlier at 9 weeks. She said that I could either wait to have a natural miscarriage or opt to have a D&C. I told her that I needed to talk to my husband and try to decide what to do.
I walked out to the car and started sobbing. I told my husband what the doctor had said and just could not believe what was coming out of my own mouth. We went to get some lunch, but I couldn't taste the food. I wore my sunglasses inside the restaurant because my eyes were red and swollen from crying...and I continued to cry. We then went home and I went to bed. I sent a text message to all of my closest friends about what had happened. Our pastor called me and asked if she could come over to visit us. She consoled us and prayed with us and said she would put our name on the prayer chain. I went right back to bed after that. My husband came in and held me, which was what I really needed at that point. We decided to have the D&C, so I called to make an appointment for it. They scheduled it for the next afternoon--my 26th birthday.
The sonogram tech did the usual kind of ultrasound and then decided that I needed to have a vaginal sonogram to "get a closer look" at everything. The whole time, I stared at the ceiling. I didn't want to see what she was seeing on the screen. After she was finished, she had me wait in the room while she talked to the doctor who was reading the sonogram. I sat in the dark room with the images of my baby on the screen. I tried not to look, but failed. I saw my baby, much clearer this time than the previous sonogram. I could see the head, the eyes, the tiny body with the arms and legs. When I got back out to the car, I told my husband that I knew something was wrong because my uterus looked like it was caved in at the top. I was hoping that it was something that could be fixed, though.
When I got back over to my doctor's office, they took me right in. My doctor came into the exam room with a sad look on her face and said, "I'm so sorry. The baby doesn't have a heartbeat." She told me that the baby had passed away 5 days earlier at 9 weeks. She said that I could either wait to have a natural miscarriage or opt to have a D&C. I told her that I needed to talk to my husband and try to decide what to do.
I walked out to the car and started sobbing. I told my husband what the doctor had said and just could not believe what was coming out of my own mouth. We went to get some lunch, but I couldn't taste the food. I wore my sunglasses inside the restaurant because my eyes were red and swollen from crying...and I continued to cry. We then went home and I went to bed. I sent a text message to all of my closest friends about what had happened. Our pastor called me and asked if she could come over to visit us. She consoled us and prayed with us and said she would put our name on the prayer chain. I went right back to bed after that. My husband came in and held me, which was what I really needed at that point. We decided to have the D&C, so I called to make an appointment for it. They scheduled it for the next afternoon--my 26th birthday.
Big News and Big Disappointment
The last time that I'd taken Provera, I'd gotten my period in 2 days. This time, I was 11 days out and still no real signs of a period. I had some cramping, but nothing else. I called my doctor's office again to see what the next course of action should be. Of course, I had to leave a message for them to call me back.
In the meantime, I headed to our church to get some things ready for the bell choir I direct. I spoke to our pastor about what I'd been experiencing, and she suggested that the doctor's office was going to want me to take a pregnancy test. She wondered if I might have been pregnant, but I insisted that there was no way--I didn't ovulate. I went home and took a test. Low and behold, it was positive! There was no doubt about it, either. I was so excited, happy, and relieved. I couldn't wait to tell everyone the good news.
About two weeks later, I was lying in bed and coughed. There wasn't anything unusual or forceful about the cough, but it caused me to have a very strong cramp that lasted for a couple of minutes. I was a bit alarmed, but tried to brush it off. I went up to go to the bathroom a bit later and noticed that I had some brown spotting. The next morning, I called the doctor's office again. The nurse told me that she was sure everything was fine, but she got me in for a sonogram that afternoon just to be sure. The sonogram tech took all the measurements and checked everything out. She told me that everything looked fine and she was sure that my doctor would say the same. She printed off a picture of our baby to take home and said that I was about 7 1/2 weeks along, making my due date around May 12th. I was again relieved to hear that everything looked good. I relaxed and had a bounce in my step, but it wouldn't last for long.
Two weeks after my sonogram, I went to the bathroom and saw blood. It wasn't gushing, but it was bright red and there was quite a bit. I was terrified. It was about midnight when I found it. My husband was on duty (he is a firefighter and works 24-hour shifts) and asleep at the fire station, but I called his cell phone anyway and woke him up. I told him, through tears, what I had found. He told me to call the after-hours number at the clinic and talk to the on-call doctor. I was still crying when I got to talk to the doctor. He told me that the blood was probably a bad sign, but I was too early in my pregnancy to do anything to stop it if I were miscarrying. I had my first OB appointment scheduled the next morning, so he told me to keep it. I attempted to go to sleep, but it was next to impossible.
In the meantime, I headed to our church to get some things ready for the bell choir I direct. I spoke to our pastor about what I'd been experiencing, and she suggested that the doctor's office was going to want me to take a pregnancy test. She wondered if I might have been pregnant, but I insisted that there was no way--I didn't ovulate. I went home and took a test. Low and behold, it was positive! There was no doubt about it, either. I was so excited, happy, and relieved. I couldn't wait to tell everyone the good news.
About two weeks later, I was lying in bed and coughed. There wasn't anything unusual or forceful about the cough, but it caused me to have a very strong cramp that lasted for a couple of minutes. I was a bit alarmed, but tried to brush it off. I went up to go to the bathroom a bit later and noticed that I had some brown spotting. The next morning, I called the doctor's office again. The nurse told me that she was sure everything was fine, but she got me in for a sonogram that afternoon just to be sure. The sonogram tech took all the measurements and checked everything out. She told me that everything looked fine and she was sure that my doctor would say the same. She printed off a picture of our baby to take home and said that I was about 7 1/2 weeks along, making my due date around May 12th. I was again relieved to hear that everything looked good. I relaxed and had a bounce in my step, but it wouldn't last for long.
Two weeks after my sonogram, I went to the bathroom and saw blood. It wasn't gushing, but it was bright red and there was quite a bit. I was terrified. It was about midnight when I found it. My husband was on duty (he is a firefighter and works 24-hour shifts) and asleep at the fire station, but I called his cell phone anyway and woke him up. I told him, through tears, what I had found. He told me to call the after-hours number at the clinic and talk to the on-call doctor. I was still crying when I got to talk to the doctor. He told me that the blood was probably a bad sign, but I was too early in my pregnancy to do anything to stop it if I were miscarrying. I had my first OB appointment scheduled the next morning, so he told me to keep it. I attempted to go to sleep, but it was next to impossible.
The Plot Thickens
After I was awoken in the middle of the night by stabbing pain, I called my doctor's office and talked to the screening nurse. She said that Clomid can cause everything to be a bit more sensitive and that I was probably ovulating. I didn't feel like that was the case, but went about my business anyway. About a week later, I kept having a dull-ache in the same area. If I moved too quickly, it would turn into a stabbing pain. I started feeling around on my stomach in the area of the pain and could feel a mass. At first it was smallish, but it ended up feeling like the size of the palm of my hand before I was able to get in to see the doctor. As soon as she had me in the stirrups, she could tell that I had a very large cyst on my left ovary. The course of action was to go med-free for a cycle and be on pelvic rest to see if the cyst would go down on it's own. (Somewhere in the course of all of this, I got my period on my own, which was a huge sign that things were moving in the right direction, despite the cyst).
My husband and I decided to go ahead and try to get pregnant anyway--just very carefully. Doing any kind of jarring activity could cause the cyst to burst. I also continued to chart just to see what my body was doing. My temperatures were all over the place, so I assumed that I never ovulated. My period also did not come on it's own.
At my follow up appointment, my doctor said that the cyst had gone down on it's own, so we could start trying again. Since I was on cycle day 35, she told me to take a pregnancy test. If it was negative, I could start Provera again. As soon as I got home, I took a test. As I expected, it was negative, so I started the Provera that night. I couldn't wait to move on to another cycle.
My husband and I decided to go ahead and try to get pregnant anyway--just very carefully. Doing any kind of jarring activity could cause the cyst to burst. I also continued to chart just to see what my body was doing. My temperatures were all over the place, so I assumed that I never ovulated. My period also did not come on it's own.
At my follow up appointment, my doctor said that the cyst had gone down on it's own, so we could start trying again. Since I was on cycle day 35, she told me to take a pregnancy test. If it was negative, I could start Provera again. As soon as I got home, I took a test. As I expected, it was negative, so I started the Provera that night. I couldn't wait to move on to another cycle.
In the Beginning
My husband and I were high school sweethearts. We married when I was 21 (he was 22), and conceived our daughter 6 months later. I went off birth control and 3 months later, I got my positive pregnancy test. She just turned 3 a couple of weeks ago.
In December 2008, I went off The Pill again and hoped maybe for another October baby. The months started rolling by with no sign of a pregnancy in sight. My cycles were crazy-long. When I finally broke down and made an appointment with my OB, I think I was at cycle day 50. Little did I know, long and/or irregular cycles like I was having need some kind of treatment and can be considered infertility. I knew my cycles could be off after going off of The Pill, but they should have straightened out at some point.
My doctor prescribed the medication Provera (link for more info!) to bring on a period. I took it for 10 days, and then 2 days later, my period started. I felt a rush of relief that something had to be working. I was also to take my temperature and keep track of it every morning. In addition to charting, I was to use Ovulation Predictor Kits (OPK's) daily to try to pinpoint ovulation. On cycle days 5-9, I was to take Clomid at 50 mgs. to help with ovulation. My chart looked great, but I never got a positive OPK. I also did not get a positive pregnancy test that month. What I did end up with that cycle was a bit of a surprise to me...
In December 2008, I went off The Pill again and hoped maybe for another October baby. The months started rolling by with no sign of a pregnancy in sight. My cycles were crazy-long. When I finally broke down and made an appointment with my OB, I think I was at cycle day 50. Little did I know, long and/or irregular cycles like I was having need some kind of treatment and can be considered infertility. I knew my cycles could be off after going off of The Pill, but they should have straightened out at some point.
My doctor prescribed the medication Provera (link for more info!) to bring on a period. I took it for 10 days, and then 2 days later, my period started. I felt a rush of relief that something had to be working. I was also to take my temperature and keep track of it every morning. In addition to charting, I was to use Ovulation Predictor Kits (OPK's) daily to try to pinpoint ovulation. On cycle days 5-9, I was to take Clomid at 50 mgs. to help with ovulation. My chart looked great, but I never got a positive OPK. I also did not get a positive pregnancy test that month. What I did end up with that cycle was a bit of a surprise to me...
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