Dream

Last night, I dreamed that I was pregnant.  I was in the hospital being checked (probably because I was worried about something), but the doctors all said I was fine.  I wished that my belly was bigger so that people could tell I was pregnant because I was so very thrilled.  I stood by a window with my hands on my belly and prayed that the baby would be born healthy.  I vividly felt the baby moving and remember thinking how thankful I was to be able to feel movement like that again.


I hope I get to experience the flutterings for real someday soon!

Appointment Scheduled

Last week, I scheduled my overdue annual exam with my OB/GYN for January 10th.  I hope that he will be proactive and receptive to my thoughts, particularly concerning Celiac disease.  It seems that people with CD often have vitamin deficiencies, so I hope to get some testing to confirm/deny any in me.  My dentist thinks that I am deficient in some vitamin or other need, as my gums bleed easily despite them being very healthy.

About a year ago, my doctor and I discussed the possibility of being referred to a Reproductive Endocrinologist.  I'm hoping that my doctor will feel confident that my issues can be taken care of in his office, as the nearest RE is 1.5 hours from here and I'm not sure how much of a specialist, if any, would be covered by insurance.

I hope that my next update is full of excitement and anticipation!

Wishy-Washy

I think I can officially say that we will not be pursuing adoption again until after I graduate in December 2012.  I feel mostly at peace with it right now, which is really all I can ask at this point.

In the meantime, we'll probably go back to TTC in a couple of months.  I need to have my annual exam (still) and at that time, we'll discuss using fertility meds again.  I imagine I'll be on Clomid again since my cycles are still all over the place, despite being gluten-free for over a year.  We will wait until March-ish so that if there is a chance for me to get pregnant, I wouldn't be due until after I graduate.

Despite going back and forth on plans and feelings, I feel strangely content with everything right now.  Our daughter is very independent and relatively easy.  Adding a new baby to the mix while I try to finish school would make things much more difficult.  I haven't given up hope that we will have another baby someday soon, whether it be biologically or through adoption, but I feel okay with the waiting...for today.  :)

Reminder

Another Delay

Unfortunately, being an adult means making difficult decisions.  With the way things are going, it looks like our plans to adopt will be put on hold until I graduate...a year from now.

We've been a one-income family for five years and have steadily been doing better, financially.  My husband had a part-time job that helped pick up the slack more than we knew--until that job was no more.  He worked part-time on his days off from his full-time job.  His part-time employer, however, decided to hire another full-time person, which essentially eliminated the need for part-time help.  He still gets on-call time, but that pays a whopping $1/hour unless he gets called out to work.

Therefore, in the past several months, we've literally been living paycheck to paycheck and, most of the time, just short of it.  Yesterday, we had to move some money around to get through the weekend.  On my drive home from school, while processing the reality of our situation, I realized that adoption is going to have to go on the back burner.

Even if someone were to write us a check for all of the adoption costs, no birth mother is going to choose us due to our lack of financial stability at this point.  A lawyer probably wouldn't allow us to go through the process.

I'm very, very sad about this.  I feel like it is all my fault since I am in school, which prevents me from working.  (Or, I could get a part-time job and never see my family).  There aren't many jobs that are willing to work around my husband's schedule for part-time hours (for him OR me).

I don't know where to go from here.  Maybe we aren't meant to have any other children at all.

Christmas Break

Christmas break is a mere two and a half weeks away.  I'm anxiously awaiting my month off from school for many reasons, including the obvious month off from school.  This semester has tried my patience and my ability to keep up on things more than I would prefer.  Thankfully, next semester will be a lighter load and my last as an in-class college student (for now, anyway).  The following semester will be spent student-teaching, which means that I will be graduating a year from now.  (WWWWWOOOOOOOTTTTT!)

Another big reason I'm anticipating the break is because a lot of that time will be devoted to getting serious about a private adoption.  We will be contacting lawyers who specialize in private adoptions, working on the house to get it home-visit ready, finishing the crib set, and putting together our adoption portfolio.  It seems scary right now, but I know everything we've gone through and have yet to experience will be more than worth it when we hold our child.

I may not have any updates between now and mid-December due to final projects and prepping for tests, but I'm sure I will be blogging rapidly during Christmas break.

Hang on...this may be a bumpy ride!

Another Loss

A couple of weeks ago, after some greatly extended bleeding, I had a realization--I had another miscarriage.  This time, it had to have been too early to know, which is a blessing, if there is one to be had in this situation.

I have been mostly numb about it--no real feelings either way.  I had a few misty-eyed moments, but I've handled it fairly well.  I'm choosing to believe that it is yet another sign that we are meant to adopt.

Christmas Letter (password protected)

Show encrypted text

God: "In Case You Didn't Hear Me..."

In the last week or so, I have been inundated by all things adoption.

First, I contacted a pregnancy crisis center that also facilitates private adoptions.  We have their initial application sitting on our dining room table now.  They charge $500 for their processing fee, which I thought was reasonable, considering others we have researched. 

After posting a happy status on Facebook regarding our newfound information, I was contacted by three people with additional resources and/or advice.  One lady recently adopted and is a wealth of knowledge and contacts.  She knows of a couple of lawyers in a nearby city who do not charge to be on their "list," and another who charges $250.  She also had some great tips on how to navigate the system and offered to help in anyway she can.  Another has worked with various lawyers and is happy to help. Yet another offered the name of a person who has helped with adoptions and is gathering more information for us.  Also, my mom may have found a company that will match up to $2500 for us if we do a fund-raiser.

In the last two days, I attended a leadership training course.  I talked to one person about our desire to adopt and he pointed me toward the president of the organization who adopted two of his children.  I'm going to email him and get his perspective on things.

Tonight, I talked to someone to get ideas about fund-raising and she is going to dream up some things for us.  We were also told that we have access to a personal loan if a situation comes out of the blue before we have funds secured.

In sum, I think it is very clear that we are to adopt.  I don't think God could be any clearer in what His purpose is for us if He were standing in front of us, yelling.  And maybe He is.

So, in the next few months, we will be gathering information and resources and setting up a real game-plan.  We will figure out the best people to sign up with and then start to gather/raise funds.  A private adoption will cost us about $6000, so we have an uphill battle in that aspect.  I know that things will fall into place if this is truly what we are meant to do, though, so I'm trying not to worry too much about the money.

Please respond with any ideas that you may have.  We can use all the help we can get and any and all ideas will be greatly appreciated.  Thank you!

October 15

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.  I lit my candle twenty-one minutes ago in honor of Baby May.

Research

I subscribe to a newsletter published by www.celiac.com.  One of the articles in their newest newsletter discussed research on infertility related to Celiac disease.  The research wasn't conclusive, but it gave me a bit of hope.  Two statements jumped out at me amid the medical jargon:  Women who experience CD-related infertility tend to experience 1) increased infertility in the two years leading up to diagnosis and 2) increased fertility in the five years post-diagnosis--as in, fertility beyond that of women without CD.  Obviously the second half of the statement hasn't come to fruition for me, but it does give me something.

In other news, I am currently at CD 20.  If my body is working correctly, AF should show soon.  I'm hoping that if I am not pregnant, I at least get some closure sooner this cycle than last.

This was our last cycle actively TTC until late March or April.  I will be student teaching in the fall and it wouldn't be prudent to give birth in the middle of that semester.  March would give us a December baby...right around graduation.  Again, I'm NOT holding my breath.

Small Update

This time of year is difficult for me. The two year anniversary of the loss of our baby because of my Celiac disease is rapidly approaching...on my birthday. Last night, I cried myself to sleep thinking about our baby and the terrible time we've had TTC for the past three years. I prayed that I either can feel peace in never having another child or reassurance and patience that we WILL have another. This afternoon, we went to my mom's for lunch. Someone asked her if we still want to adopt. She said that we certainly do, so the lady mailed her a pamphlet to give me. It is for an organization that helps pregnant women make decisions about abortion, adoption, or keeping their baby. They also help to facilitate private adoptions. I sent them an email right away to get more info about becoming a potential adoptive family. I don't know if this is supposed to be a sign or answer to my prayer, but I will take what I can get at this point!

Daughter

And he said to her, “Daughter, your faith has made you well; go in peace, and be healed of your disease.”


Today was my university's opening church service.  The message by the pastor was centered around this verse.  It struck me and brought tears to my eyes.  The woman in the story suffered for twelve years and was miraculously healed because of her faith.

My husband and I decided to try for a baby on our own again seriously this cycle.  My last cycle was text-book, which is fantastic for me.  If we were somehow able to get pregnant, we would be due in May.  An early summer baby would be perfect so that I could have three months at home before student teaching in the fall and not "interfere" much with the spring semester.  Of course, "the best laid schemes of mice and men / Go oft awry."  We'll give it our best shot and have faith that we will be holding another baby of our own soon.  I can't wait.  The hubs can't wait.  Our daughter can't wait.
I must have faith.

Being Thrust Back Into Adoption

Last week, we unexpectedly received a phone call from a lawyer we know well.  He said that he know of a potential private adoption for us, but it didn't sound like it would come to fruition   However, he asked if we were interested in private adoption.  I told him that we are, and he said that there are cases that come in to him with some frequency.  He said he would let us know if he hears of something that sounds like it has potential.  The same day, a friend told me of another potential private adoption situation.  Two days later, another friend told me about another potential situation!

We have had a few situations come up before and obviously nothing came of them.  I don't know if anything will happen with the two specific babies that we know of at the moment, but it certainly feels like this is what God is telling us we will do.  Unlike trying to get pregnant month after month, year after year, every new adoption possibility gives me hope that we will bring home a baby someday soon.

More

I am taking two classes this summer (Spanish I followed by Spanish II).  This afternoon, I did not want to go to class.  I was feeling rather blue after writing my last blog post and came very close to skipping class.  I decided to go to school after all and headed to town.  I have a 30 minute drive from home to school and it is sort of my self-therapy time.  Sometimes I blare music, I've cried a few times, etc., but I mostly use the time to think.  Today, I continued to think about my last post, particularly the bit about my tattoo and its unintentional significance (besides everything else it represents.)  I suddenly had a realization.  Of course my tattoo is on my back.  We all have our crosses to bear and this, THIS is my cross--both literally and figuratively.  I don't understand why I've been chosen for this particular mission, especially since I a few other things in my current or past life that are dark and traumatic.  However, this is it.  This is me.  Do with me what you will, Lord.  Just throw me a bone every now and then, okay?

CD 1...Again

I haven't posted in some time, but there isn't much to update at this point.  Thank you for checking in while I've been absent.  Yesterday was yet another CD 1.  I calculated around 29 months of TTC now, not counting the three-ish months that I was pregnant with Baby May.

I have been struggling for some time in my faith because of this TTC journey--more than I care to admit.  I am angry that God seems to be telling me that I am not fit to parent another child, yet I see people who are obviously unable to meet the basic needs of children have one after another.  I sat in church a few weeks ago and wept while looking at the picture of Jesus on the wall.  My thoughts were crying out, "Why have you left me?" but I know that isn't the case.  I could hear it simultaneously in my heart that it is me, not Him.  I am slowly trying to turn this over to God and stop trying to control it.  It is hard for me to let go, even though I know there is absolutely nothing I can do (that I haven't already) to change my situation.  I also feel like I'm being told that it will be some time before we conceive again--possibly years.  That is a hard pill to swallow, but I know the sooner I accept it, the sooner I can feel peace.

I also realized that getting my tattoo and including a cross was absolutely the right thing for me to do.  (Let me explain...lol).  My tattoo is on my back, so I do not see it all the time.  I might forget that it is there, but I catch a glimpse of it in the mirror or in a picture and remember.  It will always be there, no matter how angry or downtrodden I am, no matter how many times I remain silent.  It is a part of me that will last longer than the life in my physical body, just as God and my faith will continue--even if I lose sight temporarily.

So, in honor of my shaken, but not absent, faith, below is a song that tells my story much better than I ever could:

And, of course, the poignant lyrics:

I cant promise you that I wont let you down
And I
I cant promise you that I will be the only one around
When your hope falls down
But were young
Open flowers in the windy fields of this war-torn world
And love
This city breathes the plague of loving things more than their Creator

I ran away
I could not take the burden of both me and you
It was too fast
Casting love on me as if it were a spell I could not break
When it was a promise I could not make

But what if I was wrong?

But hold on to what you believe in the light
When the darkness has robbed you of all your sight

And now this land
Means less and less to me without you breathing through its trees
At every turn
The water runs away from me and the halo disappears
And the hole when you're not near

So what if I was wrong?

But hold on to what you believe in the light
When the darkness has robbed you of all your sight

So hold on to what you believed in the light

10,000+ Views!

I just noticed that I have passed the 10,000 views mark.  Wow!  I am humbled that anyone would read my blog at all, but particularly that some of you would return time and again to check in with me.

Thank you so much.

Olivia

My daughter and I love the Olivia books by Ian Falconer.  My dear, dear friend gifted the first three books to my daughter about three years ago, and we have read them time and again since then.  I think the books are hilarious (as does my daughter), and Olivia's personality reminds me so much of my daughter.  Apparently there is a TV show about Olivia now and I've seen toys in the stores.  There is a good chance that birthday number five will be Olivia themed.

Last summer, we purchased some Level 1 Reader books for our daughter.  One of them is an adaption of an Olivia cartoon episode.  The other day, my daughter sounded out a word on her own, so it was clear to me that is is ready to read.  We sat down today to take a stab at the book.  Much to my amazement, my daughter was able to read many of the words on her own.  When we came upon a word that I had read to her before, she was able to remember it and read it on her own.  Before bedtime tonight, we read the book again.  This time, she was able to read entire pages on her own.

As a mother and English education major, my heart is soaring right now.  I am absolutely thrilled that my daughter is grasping reading concepts at 4.5 years old.  Even better, she is just as excited about her new skill and is hungry to learn more.

More Gluten

Yesterday, I took my daughter for a treat of frozen yogurt.  I was hyper-vigilant about keeping her away from peanuts (she is severely allergic to them), but didn't think too much about gluten for me other than the obvious toppings.  When we got home, I decided to look up the company's website on the internet and noticed they had nutritional information listed.  They have many flavors of frozen yogurt, but two contain gluten--including the one I chose.  I hoped that I would be okay, but of course that is not the case.  This morning, my rash had returned.  I haven't had a bad outbreak of it since I went off gluten a year ago.

I got in to see my doctor today to see if he wanted to do a skin biopsy.  He said that my symptoms were enough for him to give me an official diagnosis: Celiac Disease.  That may not seem like much, but I feel victorious.  To have a confirmed named for my issues is helpful to me as well as my family, as it is hereditary.

I know you were wondering just what this dermatitis herpetiformis looks like.  I took a picture to document what happened in case I couldn't get in to see the doctor before it cleared.  Keep in mind that this developed overnight and is very mild compared to what I had a year ago.  I have it on both legs and it is a raised, horribly itchy rash.  You're welcome.  LOL.

More on Celiac

Here are some facts from The University of Chicago that are applicable to me. Over and over, it is stated that infertility and miscarriage are symptoms of Celiac Disease.  For some reason, all of this is hitting me hard today.  I'm angry that my doctors didn't consider CD at any point until I brought it up.  Even then, my primary care provider was reluctant to test me for it and seemed a bit offended that I would suggest something.  He completely dismissed me when my blood test came back negative, despite my blatantly obvious DH rash.  My original OB gave me dose after dose of Clomid, unmonitored, despite the fact that all of my hormone levels were normal.

Don't get me wrong.  I'm thankful that I finally know what is going on, but it is infuriating that it took so long for anything to be done about it--and even at this point, I'm not sure if my MD would acknowledge it.  My new OB is receptive and supportive, thankfully.  I just pray that this is the key factor in getting and staying pregnant.

What is Celiac Disease?

Celiac disease is an inherited autoimmune disorder that affects the digestive process of the small intestine. The small intestine is connected to the stomach-the first parts of the small intestine, the duodenum and the jejunum, are where celiac disease is commonly found.

When a person who has celiac disease consumes gluten, a protein found in wheat, rye and barley, the individual's immune system responds by attacking the small intestine and inhibiting the absorption of important nutrients into the body.

Specifically, tiny fingerlike protrusions, called villi, on the lining of the small intestine are lost. Nutrients from food are absorbed into the bloodstream through these villi. Celiac disease can be associated to other autoimmune disorders and, undiagnosed and untreated, it can lead to osteoporosis, infertility, neurological conditions and in rare cases, cancer.

What is Dermatitis Herpetiformis?

Dermatitis herpetiformis (DH) is an itchy, blistering skin condition that is a form of celiac disease. The rash usually occurs on the elbows, knees, and buttocks and is characterized by its bilateral nature; both knees (and/or both arms) are affected, seldom just one. Many people with DH have no digestive symptoms and only about 40% of them have the positive blood tests (serology) for celiac disease: however, they almost always have the same, gluten-dependent intestinal damage as people with celiac disease.

Unless otherwise specified, the information pertaining to celiac disease also pertains to people with dermatitis herpetiformis. In addition to following a strict gluten free diet, DH is also commonly treated with a medication called Dapsone.

Additionally, celiac disease often presents with seemingly unrelated symptoms, such as fatigue, joint pain, anemia and infertility, making diagnosis that much more difficult.

Symptoms may or may not occur in the digestive system. For example, one person might have diarrhea and abdominal pain, while another person has infertility or anemia. Some people develop celiac disease as children, others as adults. Symptoms of celiac disease may include one or more of the following:

• Recurring abdominal bloating and pain
• Chronic diarrhea/constipation
• Vomiting
• Liver and biliary tract disorders ("Transaminitis," fatty liver, primary sclerosing cholangitis etc.)
• Weight loss
• Pale, foul-smelling stool
• Iron-deficiency anemia that does not respond to iron therapy
• Fatigue
• Failure to thrive or short stature
• Delayed puberty
• Pain in the joints
• Tingling numbness in the legs
• Pale sores inside the mouth
• A skin rash called dermatitis herpetiformis (DH)
• Tooth discoloration or loss of enamel
• Unexplained infertility, recurrent miscarriage
• Osteopenia (mild) or osteoporosis (more serious bone density problem)
• Peripheral Neuropathy
• Psychiatric disorders such as anxiety, depression

 Any individual who has experienced persistent miscarriage or infertility where a medical cause could not be found needs to be tested for celiac disease.

Finally

After putting my temperature in my chart this morning, I finally got crosshairs--and solid ones at that.  Unfortunately, there is no chance for pregnancy.  I'm just happy that ovulation finally happened (on its own) and that there will hopefully be an end in sight.

Crappy Chart

Last cycle, my chart was beautiful.  I'd never had such textbook temperatures in my life--not even on Clomid.  I was so excited and hopeful that it meant my body was finally getting back on track and that we could get pregnant on our own.  Now this cycle is looking like a dud.  I am currently on CD 19 with no obvious temperature shift.  In my two-year history of charting, if I was going to ovulate, I would have by now.  I don't have any of my post-ovulation symptoms, either, so I know it isn't just a charting error.

I'm very disappointed.  I have a feeling this has something to do with my gluten binge on CD 1.  I felt sorry for myself and gave into my gluten cravings.  Before that, I had been so good.  I had a spicy chicken sandwich and fries from Wendy's.  It was delicious, but it looks like I'm paying for it more than one way.

Last cycle's chart:


This cycle's chart thus far:

Happy Birthday

Today, we should be celebrating our baby's first birthday.  Instead, we will be honoring Baby May's memory.  Last year, I planted a raspberry bush and released a balloon to mark the occasion.  I just checked the bush yesterday and it is growing very nicely.  There are a couple of blooms, which means at least two berries.  :)  I want to do something symbolic again, but I'm not sure what.  My husband and I will be going to breakfast while our daughter is in preschool, so it will be nice to have a moment alone to remember.

I'm not sure how I feel.  I am swamped with finals and end-of-school-year activities, so I haven't had much time to think.  There is some hope that a year from now, things will be much different.  Then again, I look over the past 2+ years and it makes me feel exhausted and defeated.  I hadn't cried in a long time, that is, until I looked at the scrapbook page I made for Baby May.  It brought the feelings back that had somewhat dulled over time.  Our daughter is having a hard time being an only child lately.  She desperately wants a sibling and has cried about it a couple of times.  She asked why the social worker "won't let us have a baby brother or sister," so I had to explain to her that fostering/adoption is simply too hard for us right now.

One thing is certain--we will never forget Baby May.  What a huge impact you have had on us, angel baby!

"You and I now, it can be alright.  Just hold onto what we know is true.  You and I now, though it's cold inside, feel the tide turning."

Another Change in Direction

After much discussion and thought, we have decided that the foster/adoption option is not for us.  We came to the conclusion about a month ago, but decided to hold onto the information for a while.  Some of you may already know, but some not.

Our social worker made things quite difficult for us and we know that we could never live up to her expectations.  Even if we were to persevere beyond her, I'm not sure we have the kind of time available to meet all of the needs of a child from foster care.  There are physical and/or speech therapy, medical doctor, social worker, etc. appointments to be met along with arranging for visitation with birth parents.  Court dates can take up a significant amount of time, as well as continually meeting all of the requirements of the agency.

Therefore, we have begun to try on our own again.  You may have noticed my Fertilyfriend.com ticker under my other tickers.  I have my annual exam in July, so I began charting again to show my doctor and see if I need any intervention.  Thus far, things look like they are straightening out own their own.  Let's hope this is truly the case.  We will also mention to my doctor that we would like to be considered in case any of his patients are considering adoption for their babies.  That would be a private adoption, and it would be rather costly, but we will find a way if the situation presents itself.

Thank you for your continued support.  It means more than you know!

Prayer on the Radio

I set my car radio to scan (I do this often) when I couldn't find any good music playing this afternoon on my way home. I heard the word "infertility" and my ears pricked up, so I selected the station and listened. It was the Christian radio station. As soon as I stopped on their station, they said, "I just know there is a woman listening right now, struggling with infertility. Let's pray for her." They went on to ask for strength for that woman and for God to open her womb. They said they knew she was felt she was being punished and questioning herself.  I was crying in my car (and again posting this now), because it felt like they were praying for me.

Service Flag

You may have noticed that I added a new picture to my blog. It is a one star service flag in honor of my youngest brother. Today, he deploys to Afghanistan. He is in the infantry of the Marines and will be in very dangerous situations. I am afraid for him and also sad that he will have to see and do scary things while there.

The service flag will fly until he returns home--safely.

What If

What IF from Keiko Zoll on Vimeo.

On This Day, God Wants You to Know

I know these things are totally random and can probably apply to just about anyone, but they always seem to hit home for me.  This was mine for today:

On this day, God wants you to know

... that decision is only wishful thinking until you take that first irreversible step. You can tell yourself that you have already decided, that nothing now can stop you, but if that step backwards is so much safer than step forwards, what will hold you true to your path when the going gets tough? Sometimes, the right thing to do is to take that first irreversible step, the one after which you cannot go back. And now, for you, is one of those times.

Pressing On

My heart still isn't completely in it, but I am resolving to finish everything in our paperwork this week.  I am getting my TB test injection later this afternoon.  The only thing I won't have completed will be first aid certification, but the next class will not be until mid-April, so there isn't much I can do about it.

I've taken a bit of a deep breath over the porch situation.  I surveyed people's porches as I drove through our town yesterday, and well over half of them do not have any type of railing around them.  One of them is a state-licensed daycare (ie: their house also has to be licensed by the health department) and their porch is just as high off the ground as ours.  We will install handrails, probably sometime this week, but I'm no longer going to panic about the rest of the porch.  We still want to get it finished soon, but we will shop around to get the best deal.

Nothing New

I haven't been able to bring myself to do any more about adoption.  I'm still feel pretty bummed about it and doing paperwork or something else related just makes me feel more disappointed--like all the work may be in vain.  I'm probably just being whiny, but it is a tough place to be.  I hope to find a glimmer of hope somewhere soon.

Our social worker will be making another visit on March 31.

Sour Grapes

From Grapes of Wrath: “Strange things happen . . . some bitterly cruel and some so beautiful that faith is refired forever.”


I'm waiting on my faith the be 'refired forever' right now.  I haven't felt motivated to work on the baby bedding or do much else related to adoption since our last visit.  It just depresses me at this point.  I hate what this whole mess (from the beginning with IF) has done to my faith.  I try to be positive and hopeful, but we just keep getting kicked in the teeth.

Roadblock

What a day.  Our social worker came to visit us again today to do a 22-page survey.  Before she even stepped on the porch, she told us that we will need to have the construction completed before the health department comes to the house.  Our porch has been a long ongoing ordeal, which is a headache in itself.  Right now, it is a concrete slab with steps, but the flatwork was poorly done, so we've been attempting to get things straightened out before completing the work.  No contractors were willing to come out in the dead of winter that we are just coming out of, so it has been sitting unfinished.  Last time our social worker came to our house, she didn't mention anything about the porch.  She also indicated that the house wouldn't have to be perfect, but that is now not the case.  She assured us that the health department inspector was very nice and willing to work with us.  Now, it sounds that she is completely the opposite.  Everything will have to be perfect, or else we may not be licensed.

I'm feeling very frustrated and want to throw in the towel right now.  I can't imagine that we'll be able to get quotes and then someone out to do the job right away.  I don't want it just thrown together to have it done.  I want it to be a porch that will last for the life of the house.  Everything seemed to be going well and now...

::sigh::  Expletive, expletive, expletive.

Refreshing Inspiration

This afternoon, my advisor asked how our adoption process is going.  I shared with her that I have been frustrated that everything has to be so difficult, but we are pushing through.  I also told her about my hope, coupled with worry about being able to adopt a tiny baby.  She gave me this quote by the American mythologist, Joseph Campbell.  She said she wanted me to have it and share with my husband, because she knows that when people get wrapped up in the details and red tape of major life events, sometimes it is hard to stay inspired.  So true.  I thought it was very timely and poignant.

"Follow your bliss.
If you do follow your bliss,
you put yourself on a kind of track
that has been there all the while waiting for you,
and the life you ought to be living
is the one you are living.
When you can see that,
you begin to meet people
who are in the field of your bliss,
and they open the doors to you.
I say, follow your bliss and don't be afraid,
and doors will open
where you didn't know they were going to be.
If you follow your bliss,
doors will open for you that wouldn't have opened for anyone else."

Our Final Class!

Today was our last foster/adopt class!  We still have several steps to complete before we are licensed, including having our home certified by the health department, having a TB test, and finishing a bit of paperwork.  Our social worker will make another visit to our house in a week and a half to go over a home study survey.  It seems surreal that we have made it to this point.  I remember being so anxious to begin our class like it was yesterday.

Our daughter showed me just how excited she is to have a sibling yesterday.  I took her to Build-A-Bear for the first time (something she has been anticipating for some time).  She chose a bear and told me that she wanted to make it for her "new baby brother or baby sister."  She told the lady who put the stuffing in, also.  She put two hearts in the bear--one for her, and one for her future sibling and kissed them before putting them in.  I almost cried in the store, it was so sweet.

House Work

Today, my family spent the day working on our house.  Our basement was a disaster, but it is almost completely cleaned out now.  We also installed the carbon monoxide detectors and moved the smoke detectors.  (We had one in the hallway between our room and our daughter's, but the health department says that there has to be one in each bedroom).  Tomorrow, my step-dad will be replacing a couple of outlets.  The only thing left to get ready will then be our backyard.  We currently have a pond, but it leaks and is more of a pain than it is worth.  We will be removing it and cleaning up a few other things.

I got the baby items I ordered in the mail a couple of days ago from www.thredup.com.  I have enough crib sheets now to last forever.  I love the carrier/wrap that I ordered.  If we get a baby who is older than a newborn, they may need to be held consistently for comfort and bonding (more than usual), so it will be very nice to be able to hold the baby and have use of both hands at the same time.

Tomorrow, I will finish the bedding for the crib.

It almost feels like this is real and going to happen soon!  :)

Quote

This quote means a lot to me in more than one way:

Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother (or father). 
-Oprah Winfrey

More Baby Purchases :)

I have a baby monitor, crib sheets, a baby wrap/carrier, and sleep sack on the way.  I also bought a mattress for the crib today.  This weekend, I'll be completing the crib set.

This isn't much of a post, but I'm too excited not to share.

Walk-Through

Today, our social worker did an informal walk-through on our house.  She was looking for potential safety issues that would cause a delay when we have our official home study done by the state.  I was very concerned about having her come over, because I am not the world's greatest housekeeper.  She was supposed to come last week, but I asked her to wait because I was gone all week and had no chance to pick things up.  This week was a little less hectic, but I still didn't get everything spotless.  She was very nice about it and said it isn't necessary for the house to pass a white-glove test.  We still need to put child locks on the cabinets, change out a couple of outlets, and install the CO detectors.  There are some other house-keeping issues that I want to get taken care of, but we will have a few weeks to a month and a half to get them completed.

We are also nearing the end of our classes.  Our social worker said there may be an immediate placement for us, or we may have to wait for some time.  I'm willing to do what it takes to get the right child for us...even if that means waiting.  We've waited this long--we've got nothing but time at this point.

I feel relieved to have the initial walk-through done, but I am exhausted from all of the stress.  I'm turning in early tonight!

One Year Ago

This post is off-topic, but still fitting for my blog.

One year ago, I sat down to watch the 10 o'clock news and my stomach instantly dropped.  I had spoken to my husband a few hours before and he hung up suddenly, giving me a bad feeling that wouldn't go away.  The breaking news at the top of the hour was that seven firefighters were hospitalized for carbon monoxide poisoning.  The news didn't give any names, but I just knew that it was him.  I frantically dialed the emergency room and learned that he was there, indeed.  I ran around in circles for a little while after that, trying to decide what to do.  Our daughter had been in bed for a few hours and I did not want to wake her.  I eventually called my mom and asked her to come sit at our house while I went to the hospital.  I waited for what seemed like forever for her to get here and then rushed out the door.  I wasn't able to talk to him, so I had no idea how he was.  I finally arrived at the hospital after a white-knuckled drive to town (thirty minutes from where we live) and had to stand in line to talk to the lady at the registration desk.  A cop had brought in a drunk man and he was giving them a hard time.  After about twenty minutes of standing, I asked someone else in scrubs if they could give me any information.  She told me only the lady at registration could.  When I was able to speak with her, she let me know that he had been released ten minutes prior.  I rushed out the doors and over to the fire station. When I got there, he was already in his truck, getting ready to drive home.  I flagged him down and we got out and hugged and talked a little bit.  I was worried about him driving home, but he told me the doctor said it would be okay.  (I'm still not sure if that's true or not...lol)  He was sent home for the rest of the shift, though.

I was upset that he didn't call me, but he apparently told everyone not to call.  He didn't want to worry me.  We had a very frank discussion about how I need to know if anything happens, even if he thinks he'll be okay.  He recovered after several hours on high oxygen therapy, but he was very close to having to be hospitalized overnight.  They had (unknowingly) been exposed to an extremely high level of CO and started feeling light-headed after just a couple of minutes in the house.

I usually feel pretty confident in my husband's abilities and the reliability of his co-workers to keep him safe.  I don't typically lose a lot of sleep over his job.  However, I had a hard time coping with this particular incident.  He and his fellow firefighters could have easily died--another minute in that house could have been the end of them.  I'm so thankful that they are all here with us today.  I don't know what I would do without him.

Look What I Can Do!

Today, I spent allllll day at my mom's house learning to sew.  I think the last time I touched a sewing machine was in 8th grade Home Ec. when I did a horrible job on my quillo.  When I chose this pattern and material, my mom said she'd help me with it, but that it would be my project.  She helped me understand the instructions and get started.  She guided me the rest of the way, but I did all the cutting and sewing on my own.

This is the quilt.  I need to sew the batting and backing on and then it will be complete.

This a piece of the crib skirt.  I have some detail stitching to finish on the rest of the pieces and then need to sew it to the base.  (Note the crib and the white breathable bumper :D )

ABC's

Our social worker asked us to write a letter to our future child and provide some pictures for them to see before coming to our house.  I decided to make an ABC book instead.  I'm still working on A and Q and am open to suggestions! Here are a few of the highlights:

I Lost a Subscriber :(

Something that is a little bit exciting for me is to watch the number of subscribers to my blog.  Thus far, the numbers keep going up.  However, today I noticed that I lost one.  I'm sorry if I've offended anyone, but these are my feelings here in black and white.

My last post was a vent, obviously.  Writing is cathartic to me and allows me to get everything out on "paper" so that I can go about my merry way in real life.  I am extremely grateful for the blessings I have in my life.  My husband and daughter are my world and as long as I have them, I can keep going no matter what curve ball is thrown my way.  I don't sit about the house and feel sorry for myself (generally), but this journey is a long and arduous one...and I've only just begun.  Having a safe place to discuss how I'm feeling at any particular moment helps me tremendously.  Knowing that people read what I write makes it feel worthwhile to put out there.  So, hang in there with me.  I'm not perfect and I have my bad days.  I'm sure I'm not the only one. :)

One Step Back

Maybe today isn't really a step back, but I'm feeling angry.  I'm angry that we lost our baby well over a year ago.  I'm angry that (nearly) everyone else can get and stay pregnant.  I'm angry that I probably caused my own miscarriage, but had no idea that I was harming my unborn child.  I'm angry that I said, "I'll never do this again," when I felt the first waves of morning sickness.  (Two days later, I miscarried).  I'm angry that I'll probably never feel a baby kick or experience birth again.  I'm angry that I'll probably never get the chance to attempt nursing again.  I'm angry that we'll probably never have a son who looks just like his daddy.  I'm angry that the only way we are going to be able to build our family is through adoption.  I'm angry that in order to adopt, we have to jump through hoops and cut through red tape.  I'm angry that a child we become attached to may end up back with their abusive/negligent birth parents, despite everything we've already been through.

I don't always feel this way and I haven't even been sad lately.  My feelings do not diminish my desire to adopt.  However, today is hard.  I suppose I'm still bouncing around in the stages of grief.

Blog Award!

I just received a comment that I have been recognized as "Stylish Blogger" by the author of All You Knew Was Love.  Click on the link to visit her blog!  

There four rules that go along with this lovely honor:
1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you this award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 15 recently discovered great bloggers.
4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award!

Seven things about myself: 

1. I sing, both in a choir and as a soloist.
2. I'm not a very good housekeeper, but I'm working on it.
3. I'm majoring in English Education.
4. I'm almost always cold.
5. I still crave foods with gluten and have slipped up a few times (on purpose).
6. I love a good deal.  I almost always shop around to get the best price.
7. I had a difficult time coming up with random facts about myself!

A Big Purchase

I've been contemplating buying a crib for some time now.  While our social worker makes it seem like three-ish months is a long time to become licensed, I think it isn't much time at all to prepare.  (Not that I'm complaining; I just need to get moving!)  Yesterday, I found a crib at Target on clearance.  They only had one left, so I asked if I could purchase it and then pick it up today.  They said they didn't hold things, so I tried to think of a way to take it with me.  It certainly wasn't going to fit in my car.  My mom's car is smaller than mine, so that was out.  My husband (and the truck) were at home, 30 minutes away.  Then, I remembered that my brother has an SUV, so I called him.  Thankfully, I was able to get it.  It still isn't at our house yet, because my husband will have to get it from my brother's house tomorrow morning when he gets off work.  I can't wait to get it put together!!

This is the crib:

...and this is the fabric I have picked out to make the quilt, bed skirt, and curtains.

Our Family Through a Child's Eyes

The class we are going through to be eligible to adopt stresses the importance of the entire family's participation--including the existing children.  My daughter was asked to draw a picture of her family, including the new sibling she hoped to get.  This is what she drew:

The red person is my daughter, the tall person in the middle is my husband, and the other tall, blue person is me.  She hopes to get a baby brother or sister, so the baby is pictured in the lower left-hand corner, appropriately, lying down.

Plowing Through

At this point, I've made my way through nearly all of the paperwork.  Unfortunately, some of the questions have unearthed some demons I would have rather forgotten.  I know it is necessary for the process, though.  I've made a list of the things we have to do to the house before our home visit.  Thankfully, it isn't terribly long.  I've read about half of the first of six books.  I waver between being so excited that I can't stand it and asking myself what in the blue blazes are we getting ourselves in to.

I'm going to attempt to focus on the positive during this whole process, which is going to be hard.  It is scary to hear the stories, but I have to remain steadfast in our desire.  I'm doing a lot of praying and positive visualization.  I hope to be able to keep it up!  All of your support means more than  you know!

One Down, Six to Go

Today was our first foster/adoption class.  We met at our church in our little town, so there was no need for extra commuting to the next biggest town.  (Like I thought we would have to originally).  My pastor and her husband joined us along with one other couple.  Our social worker is very personable and casual, which is nice.  She gave us a lot of information, including a lot of (what I think were) horror stories.  I could feel my fight or flight instinct kicking in, but I told myself that all the examples she gave were teenagers.  I also reassured myself that the right child will come to us at the right time, and that God will not give us more than we can handle.

She told us that it will take about three months to become certified and ready to accept children in our home.  She made it sound like that was a long time, but after more than two years of waiting for another child, three months is nothing.  Not to mention the fact that we'll probably need that much time to have everything ready.

The picture above is of all of the paperwork we were given to fill out today.  We don't have to have it all ready by next week, but it will have to be done soon.  After all, we only have six more classes.  Our social worker will meet with us in our home three times in addition to the classes.

I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed at this moment and maybe somewhat disillusioned, but I'll push through.  I know all of this will be worth it in the end.

A New Song Addition

Katy Perry performed "Firework," on the "Home for the Holidays," special.  I hadn't listened very closely to the lyrics before then, but after reading them, I had to add it to my blog playlist:

Firework

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting throught the wind
Wanting to start again

Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards
One blow from caving in

Do you ever feel already buried deep
Six feet under scream
But no one seems to hear a thing

Do you know that tehre's still a chance for you
Cause there's a spark in you

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gunna leave 'em fallin' down-own-own

You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe you're reason why all the doors are closed
So you can open one that leads you to the perfect road

Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it's time, you'll know

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on slet your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gunna leave 'em fallin' down-own-own

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It's always been inside of you, you, you
And now it's time to let it through

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y