Letting Go of My Dream Child

The article I posted below talks about the infertile couple and their "dream child,"--the child they hoped to conceive.  It says that the infertile couple must grieve that ideal child and let the idea go in order to move on.  That spurred this post.  I have an ideal child in my mind that I have to let go of.  Maybe if I describe that child and acknowledge in some way that yes, I dreamed of this child, and, no, I cannot have this child, it will help me sort through some of the additional feelings this journey has caused.

The child I hoped to conceive in all of this is a boy.  He has dark, curly hair, blue eyes, and freckles.  He is funny and ornery.  He is, at the same time, a "momma's boy,"...at least while he is little.  He grows up big and strong like his daddy and is maybe even taller than my husband.  He goes on to do something amazing with his life--maybe even follows his daddy's footsteps and becomes a firefighter.  Edited to add: His name is Jakob Henry.  I don't usually like "unique" spellings of names, but Jakob is a traditional spelling and the first three letters are my husband's initials.  Henry is for my beloved grandfather who passed away two months before our daughter was born.

This child will never exist for us.  That is a hard line to write and to accept.  I realize that even if we were able to have another child, he or she may never be what I imagined.  However, we'll never know.

I am sad about this, but not overly depressed, which is a good thing (obviously).  I hope to move on down the road and be ready and willing to accept whatever child God puts in our lives.