The morning of my first OB appointment, I went straight to the bathroom to check for more bleeding. It had again turned to brown spotting, so I had some hope, but was still very nervous. When I got to the clinic, the receptionist was about to send me to my seat when I asked if the doctor knew I'd called the night before. She didn't find a note on my chart, so I told her I had to call because I had some bleeding. Her face fell and said, "Okay, have a seat, Sweetheart." I sat down, surrounded by pregnant bellies, and couldn't hold back the tears. When the nurse took me back, I started bawling. My doctor did an exam and then sent me over to have another sonogram.
The sonogram tech did the usual kind of ultrasound and then decided that I needed to have a vaginal sonogram to "get a closer look" at everything. The whole time, I stared at the ceiling. I didn't want to see what she was seeing on the screen. After she was finished, she had me wait in the room while she talked to the doctor who was reading the sonogram. I sat in the dark room with the images of my baby on the screen. I tried not to look, but failed. I saw my baby, much clearer this time than the previous sonogram. I could see the head, the eyes, the tiny body with the arms and legs. When I got back out to the car, I told my husband that I knew something was wrong because my uterus looked like it was caved in at the top. I was hoping that it was something that could be fixed, though.
When I got back over to my doctor's office, they took me right in. My doctor came into the exam room with a sad look on her face and said, "I'm so sorry. The baby doesn't have a heartbeat." She told me that the baby had passed away 5 days earlier at 9 weeks. She said that I could either wait to have a natural miscarriage or opt to have a D&C. I told her that I needed to talk to my husband and try to decide what to do.
I walked out to the car and started sobbing. I told my husband what the doctor had said and just could not believe what was coming out of my own mouth. We went to get some lunch, but I couldn't taste the food. I wore my sunglasses inside the restaurant because my eyes were red and swollen from crying...and I continued to cry. We then went home and I went to bed. I sent a text message to all of my closest friends about what had happened. Our pastor called me and asked if she could come over to visit us. She consoled us and prayed with us and said she would put our name on the prayer chain. I went right back to bed after that. My husband came in and held me, which was what I really needed at that point. We decided to have the D&C, so I called to make an appointment for it. They scheduled it for the next afternoon--my 26th birthday.
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As I read all of you're posts, I bawled. As I have told you I went through this as well and to heal my pain, I also went and got a tattoo, mine was in rememberance of my grandmother because I felt so alone at the time. I knew that she was the one person that would be ther for me through all of it if she would have still been alive. I didn't have any support when I went through my miscarriage. I felt that I had let people down when I did get pregnant because I wasn't married yet and the father of the baby turned his back on me. You are a very strong person and have been as long as I have known you. I admire you for your strength. You are a wonderful mother to your little girl and I hope that someday soon God blesses you and your family with another child. Much love to you. I also admire your husband, I knew he was a good guy, but it takes a lot of strength to stand by you when you are hurting, and he has done an excellent job at being there for you. My prayers continue to be with you.
Love, Elisha
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