I had my post D&C appointment today. My doctor didn't do an exam, she just talked to me. She asked about how I was doing physically and then asked if we wanted to start trying to get pregnant again soon. I told her that we'd like to as soon as she said it was okay. She said that we could start trying right away. We are so relieved that we don't have to wait--at least in theory. We'll see what my body does.
Because of my previous infertility issues, she asked what I wanted to do as far as Clomid goes. Since I became pregnant with the baby we just lost on cycle that I did not take Clomid, we are hoping that I can do that again--this time with a baby that 'sticks'. I asked her how long to wait for a period before needing Provera. She said to give it 3-4 weeks from now, then all I have to do is call and they'll fax it over to the pharmacy for me. (Woot for one less office visit!) I showed her the herbs that I'm taking (Vitrex and Dong Quai), but she didn't really say anything. I'm sure she's not expecting them to do much, but she did say they won't hurt anything. The great thing is, she said she's willing to take this new chapter in whatever direction we want to.
Today, I have hope!
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
The Reality of It All
This morning, I woke up from a very vivid dream about my D&C. It put me in a funk this morning, but I was determined to shake it. I was also a bit down because I learned about 2 more people being pregnant and due close to when I was. Then, my husband came home from work this morning and told me that one of his co-worker's wives is very newly pregnant. I know he meant no malice by it, but I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach.
The reality is, I know 7 people who will be having babies when I was supposed to. I will watch them develop cute baby bellies, see their pictures, and eventually give birth. The reality is, I am the statistic. Do I feel anger toward the pregnant women? No, of course not. It isn't their fault that I lost my baby. They shouldn't have any less joy because I can only dream of holding my baby. The world doesn't stop for me or my loss--and it shouldn't. It doesn't make it any easier, though.
So, I cry, write a blog entry, and get over it...at least for today.
The reality is, I know 7 people who will be having babies when I was supposed to. I will watch them develop cute baby bellies, see their pictures, and eventually give birth. The reality is, I am the statistic. Do I feel anger toward the pregnant women? No, of course not. It isn't their fault that I lost my baby. They shouldn't have any less joy because I can only dream of holding my baby. The world doesn't stop for me or my loss--and it shouldn't. It doesn't make it any easier, though.
So, I cry, write a blog entry, and get over it...at least for today.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
The Tattoo
The craziest thing that my loss and struggle inspired was my tattoo. I got it a week ago today. I'd wanted one for years, but planned on only getting one, so I wanted it to mean a lot to me. I had the basic idea for this tattoo for quite some time, but it felt silly and frivolous to get it, so I waited. After the doctor told me that we'd lost the baby, I had an overwhelming feeling that now was the time to get it. I brought in my idea to the tattoo artist and he improved on it. It hurt like crazy, but I think it was worth it. I have it between my shoulder blades, so it will almost always be hidden, but I have something that has a piece of it dedicated to the baby we lost with me forever.
The tattoo as a whole is a Celtic knot. My heritage is largely Scottish (please note the freckles in the picture...lol), and I identify with it. I also think that Celtic knots are beautiful. Next, the two rings represent my marriage. I couldn't get through this life without my husband, so naturally, I had to include it. The cross represents my faith. I also could not get through life without my faith and my church family. I realized the other day that the cross is holding the rings...which is symbolic in itself. The three pink circles around the knot are for my husband, our daughter, and myself. We all have October birthdays, and October has a pink stone. The green circle in the middle of the cross is for the baby we lost. S/he was due in May, which is an emerald birthstone. If you notice, I left a blank area for another birthstone. I hope that we're able to add it to this tattoo very soon!
Dealing with The Loss
As I said before, I feel pretty strong, despite the circumstances. My healing to this point has been thanks to several different factors. The first and foremost is my incredible support system. Because of the wonder that is the internet, I had a multitude of people praying for us and checking in on me. I have friends and family locally--and not so locally--who took time to give us some comfort. Some sent emails, some text messages or called, other sent flowers and cards. I got a log of hugs and offers to help in anyway that people could. I don't think I could have picked myself up the way I did had I not had so many people lifting me up. I have to also give kudos to my husband. He has absolutely been my rock throughout this. He's held me and not said a word when that was exactly what I needed, let me cry and scream to him, taken time off of work to be with me (he doesn't take time off of work for himself, so that is a huge thing), and really stepped up with things around the house. He's always been a great guy, husband, and father, but I feel like a blessing out of this tragedy is that we have come even closer together.
Another way that I deal with things is writing...hence this blog. The night that I started miscarrying, I wrote this poem. It isn't my best work, but it was written in the heat of the moment and is full of my raw emotion:
Little Baby
Little baby
I dreamed of you
I prayed for you
We talked, we tried and tried
Soon, you were on your way
Little baby
One fine day
I saw two lines
We danced, we rejoiced, we sang
Soon, you were on your way
Little baby
Momma saw you
Daddy saw you
Sister saw you
Little baby
My body changed
As you grew
We shopped, we laughed, we dreamed
Soon, you were on your way
Little baby
One sad day
I saw red
We called, we paced, we begged
Soon, you were on your way
Little baby
They said no
You were gone
We sighed, we screamed, we cried
But you were on your way
Oh, little baby
Momma’s gonna be alright
Daddy’s gonna be alright
Sister’s gonna be alright
Hush now baby…sleep
Another way that I deal with things is writing...hence this blog. The night that I started miscarrying, I wrote this poem. It isn't my best work, but it was written in the heat of the moment and is full of my raw emotion:
Little Baby
Little baby
I dreamed of you
I prayed for you
We talked, we tried and tried
Soon, you were on your way
Little baby
One fine day
I saw two lines
We danced, we rejoiced, we sang
Soon, you were on your way
Little baby
Momma saw you
Daddy saw you
Sister saw you
Little baby
My body changed
As you grew
We shopped, we laughed, we dreamed
Soon, you were on your way
Little baby
One sad day
I saw red
We called, we paced, we begged
Soon, you were on your way
Little baby
They said no
You were gone
We sighed, we screamed, we cried
But you were on your way
Oh, little baby
Momma’s gonna be alright
Daddy’s gonna be alright
Sister’s gonna be alright
Hush now baby…sleep
A New Chapter
Tomorrow, it has been two weeks since my D&C. This Thursday is my follow-up appointment with my OB. I've read that she could tell me anything from we could start trying again right away to we have to wait for 6 or more months. A lot of it will depend on me emotional state, I think. Overall, I feel pretty strong. Last night, I wrote all of the entries before this one and it was hard. I only teared up, though. I think that's a big step and noticeable progress!
I've done some research on some natural remedies to help with my long, unproductive cycles. (It is a possibility that somewhere in all of this mess, my body straightened itself out, but I'm not holding my breath!) Two herbs that I found are Chasteberry (aka Vitex) and Dong Quai. (I'll let you follow my links for more info on the two herbs). They are both supposed to help with the regulation of cycles, which is a biggie for me. I talked to the lady at natural food/product store about what I should buy. There was a "Women's Fertility" supplement there, but it was lacking the Vitex. It had some other things in it like Black Cohosh which may have been beneficial, but in the end, we decided that buying a bottle of Vitex and a bottle of Dong Quai and taking them together may have the most effect for me.
I don't expect a miracle from these herbs, but I won't turn one away, either. I've read that it can take a couple of months for them to start working, but we may have that much time before we are supposed to start trying again, anyway.
Another alternative medicine that I looked into is acupuncture. Apparently, it can be very effective. I've also found it to be rather expensive. I have only talked to one local place, but their regimen consists of two visits a week for four weeks. To begin, you need a scan, which costs $40. Then, each session costs $50. Unfortunately, that is above my budget. I may call around and see what other doctor's prices are and also my insurance to see if any of it would be covered.
I may be putting the horse before the cart with all of this, but I want to be pro-active this time and try to avoid the side-effects and complications I experienced with the fertility medicine. I'll be sure to keep track of my progress and report my findings here.
I've done some research on some natural remedies to help with my long, unproductive cycles. (It is a possibility that somewhere in all of this mess, my body straightened itself out, but I'm not holding my breath!) Two herbs that I found are Chasteberry (aka Vitex) and Dong Quai. (I'll let you follow my links for more info on the two herbs). They are both supposed to help with the regulation of cycles, which is a biggie for me. I talked to the lady at natural food/product store about what I should buy. There was a "Women's Fertility" supplement there, but it was lacking the Vitex. It had some other things in it like Black Cohosh which may have been beneficial, but in the end, we decided that buying a bottle of Vitex and a bottle of Dong Quai and taking them together may have the most effect for me.
I don't expect a miracle from these herbs, but I won't turn one away, either. I've read that it can take a couple of months for them to start working, but we may have that much time before we are supposed to start trying again, anyway.
Another alternative medicine that I looked into is acupuncture. Apparently, it can be very effective. I've also found it to be rather expensive. I have only talked to one local place, but their regimen consists of two visits a week for four weeks. To begin, you need a scan, which costs $40. Then, each session costs $50. Unfortunately, that is above my budget. I may call around and see what other doctor's prices are and also my insurance to see if any of it would be covered.
I may be putting the horse before the cart with all of this, but I want to be pro-active this time and try to avoid the side-effects and complications I experienced with the fertility medicine. I'll be sure to keep track of my progress and report my findings here.
It Gets Worse (Warning: A bit graphic)
I had a hard time sleeping again, thinking about everything. I had also started feeling a bit crampy, but I assumed that was because I'd had so many exams in a short period of time. Around midnight, my cramps turned into much more--contractions. The contractions were very painful and only gave me a few minutes of relief between them. This went on for a couple of hours until I felt a 'pop' and then a gush. I ran to the bathroom and lost a lot of blood and some clots and/or tissue. All the while, I was still having very painful contractions. A few minutes later, I felt like things had let up, so I put a pad in and went back to bed. About a half hour later, I was back in the bathroom with the same thing. This pattern continued for a few hours, then the contractions fell back into something more like period-cramps. I was still having to run to the bathroom and eventually left the light on because I knew I'd be back. I began to feel faint and light-headed from all of the blood loss. Because my D&C was scheduled for the next day, I wasn't to eat or drink anything after midnight. At one point, I had to lie on the bathroom floor to keep from passing out. Around 6 am, the bleeding finally slowed enough that I could fall asleep.
Through all of this, I started feeling angry. In my mind, I asked God, "Where are you and why are you making me go through this? I already lost the baby and now I have to suffer even more?" I begged God to make it stop. I asked my husband what I'd done to deserve such a horrible thing. It truly was the worst thing I've gone through up to this point in my life. However, I think that it somehow helped me to accept and cope with the loss of the baby. There was no question that the baby was gone.
The next morning, I went in to have yet another sonogram. The doctor wanted to see how much tissue was remaining. I made sure not to look at the screen this time. The nurse called me on the way back to the clinic to tell me that I needed to head over to the surgical center for my D&C. I was nervous and agitated about it. I said to my husband, "This just keeps getting better, doesn't it? I lose the baby, suffer through a natural miscarriage, and now I have to have a D&C on top of it? Happy freakin' birthday to me!"
Despite my feelings about everything, the D&C was very smooth. The nurses were kind and funny. I had no complications from the anesthesia or the procedure. At this point, I'd say that I'm probably fully recovered, although I do still tire a lot more quickly than my norm.
Through all of this, I started feeling angry. In my mind, I asked God, "Where are you and why are you making me go through this? I already lost the baby and now I have to suffer even more?" I begged God to make it stop. I asked my husband what I'd done to deserve such a horrible thing. It truly was the worst thing I've gone through up to this point in my life. However, I think that it somehow helped me to accept and cope with the loss of the baby. There was no question that the baby was gone.
The next morning, I went in to have yet another sonogram. The doctor wanted to see how much tissue was remaining. I made sure not to look at the screen this time. The nurse called me on the way back to the clinic to tell me that I needed to head over to the surgical center for my D&C. I was nervous and agitated about it. I said to my husband, "This just keeps getting better, doesn't it? I lose the baby, suffer through a natural miscarriage, and now I have to have a D&C on top of it? Happy freakin' birthday to me!"
Despite my feelings about everything, the D&C was very smooth. The nurses were kind and funny. I had no complications from the anesthesia or the procedure. At this point, I'd say that I'm probably fully recovered, although I do still tire a lot more quickly than my norm.
Monday, October 26, 2009
A Very Sad Day
The morning of my first OB appointment, I went straight to the bathroom to check for more bleeding. It had again turned to brown spotting, so I had some hope, but was still very nervous. When I got to the clinic, the receptionist was about to send me to my seat when I asked if the doctor knew I'd called the night before. She didn't find a note on my chart, so I told her I had to call because I had some bleeding. Her face fell and said, "Okay, have a seat, Sweetheart." I sat down, surrounded by pregnant bellies, and couldn't hold back the tears. When the nurse took me back, I started bawling. My doctor did an exam and then sent me over to have another sonogram.
The sonogram tech did the usual kind of ultrasound and then decided that I needed to have a vaginal sonogram to "get a closer look" at everything. The whole time, I stared at the ceiling. I didn't want to see what she was seeing on the screen. After she was finished, she had me wait in the room while she talked to the doctor who was reading the sonogram. I sat in the dark room with the images of my baby on the screen. I tried not to look, but failed. I saw my baby, much clearer this time than the previous sonogram. I could see the head, the eyes, the tiny body with the arms and legs. When I got back out to the car, I told my husband that I knew something was wrong because my uterus looked like it was caved in at the top. I was hoping that it was something that could be fixed, though.
When I got back over to my doctor's office, they took me right in. My doctor came into the exam room with a sad look on her face and said, "I'm so sorry. The baby doesn't have a heartbeat." She told me that the baby had passed away 5 days earlier at 9 weeks. She said that I could either wait to have a natural miscarriage or opt to have a D&C. I told her that I needed to talk to my husband and try to decide what to do.
I walked out to the car and started sobbing. I told my husband what the doctor had said and just could not believe what was coming out of my own mouth. We went to get some lunch, but I couldn't taste the food. I wore my sunglasses inside the restaurant because my eyes were red and swollen from crying...and I continued to cry. We then went home and I went to bed. I sent a text message to all of my closest friends about what had happened. Our pastor called me and asked if she could come over to visit us. She consoled us and prayed with us and said she would put our name on the prayer chain. I went right back to bed after that. My husband came in and held me, which was what I really needed at that point. We decided to have the D&C, so I called to make an appointment for it. They scheduled it for the next afternoon--my 26th birthday.
The sonogram tech did the usual kind of ultrasound and then decided that I needed to have a vaginal sonogram to "get a closer look" at everything. The whole time, I stared at the ceiling. I didn't want to see what she was seeing on the screen. After she was finished, she had me wait in the room while she talked to the doctor who was reading the sonogram. I sat in the dark room with the images of my baby on the screen. I tried not to look, but failed. I saw my baby, much clearer this time than the previous sonogram. I could see the head, the eyes, the tiny body with the arms and legs. When I got back out to the car, I told my husband that I knew something was wrong because my uterus looked like it was caved in at the top. I was hoping that it was something that could be fixed, though.
When I got back over to my doctor's office, they took me right in. My doctor came into the exam room with a sad look on her face and said, "I'm so sorry. The baby doesn't have a heartbeat." She told me that the baby had passed away 5 days earlier at 9 weeks. She said that I could either wait to have a natural miscarriage or opt to have a D&C. I told her that I needed to talk to my husband and try to decide what to do.
I walked out to the car and started sobbing. I told my husband what the doctor had said and just could not believe what was coming out of my own mouth. We went to get some lunch, but I couldn't taste the food. I wore my sunglasses inside the restaurant because my eyes were red and swollen from crying...and I continued to cry. We then went home and I went to bed. I sent a text message to all of my closest friends about what had happened. Our pastor called me and asked if she could come over to visit us. She consoled us and prayed with us and said she would put our name on the prayer chain. I went right back to bed after that. My husband came in and held me, which was what I really needed at that point. We decided to have the D&C, so I called to make an appointment for it. They scheduled it for the next afternoon--my 26th birthday.
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