Waffling

wafflingpresent participle of waf·fle (Verb)

Verb:

Fail to make up one's mind: "Joseph had been waffling over where to go". Speak or write, esp. at great length, without saying anything important or useful. I think that pretty much sums everything up--on both counts. This morning/early afternoon, I was feeling sort of content with the idea of just letting everything go.  If we get pregnant, we get pregnant.  If our lawyer calls, he calls.  If not, we'll be just fine as a family of three.  We'll have more opportunities and more money to find those opportunities. Then... At Walmart, we ran into a lady we know.  She was on her phone, but hurriedly hung up to come over to talk to me.  She has a dresser that is for sale, but it was far more than what we can spend.  She said she has another dresser that she'd love to give to us to use in our future child's room.  She felt like it was a God-thing that she ran into us, as she just got a new smart phone and wasn't sure how to send me a message about it on Facebook.  She is so happy about being able to help us in this way. So then... I was completely at odds with myself (again...trust me, it is exhausting) on what to do.  I spoke to my husband about my feelings and, of course, he is fine with whatever I choose to do.  I told him I felt like a disappointment to him since I can't give him another child without great difficulty.  He responded with his, "No, no, no...you aren't a disappointment," while patting me on the head.  LOL. And then... I noticed my mom was on Facebook, so I started chatting with her.  I told her how I was feeling and how I, essentially, have to come to some sort of conclusion on my own since my husband is voicing no opinion either way.  (A quality that can be endearing in some cases, but frustrating in others).  She told me that she thinks we should at least try foster/adoption.  She doesn't want me to regret not taking a chance on this...and I know she is right that I may, in fact, regret not exhausting every option available to me.  She pointed out that if we get into it and decide it is not for us, we can stop.  BUT, we may find that it is the best thing we've ever done and it may lead us directly to our second child.  I think she's right and I plan on taking her advice.  It is amazing how one conversation can make you feel so much better--especially from your mom.  It's true when they say you will always need your mom.  I'm thankful that mine is so great and always in my corner.

Therapy

I decided that I will call tomorrow and make an appointment with a therapist.  I've never been before, but I need help coping with the cards I've been dealt.  I'm tired of being on a high one moment, thinking of the possibilities, and at a low point the next, feeling like a disappointment to my family and unable to make a decision.  I have a whole host of issues outside of my infertility/miscarriage, so it may take a long time for me to feel better.

I just want to learn how to be okay with being a three-person family.  There is a great possibility that our daughter will be the only child we have.  I don't know how to cope with that right now and I feel that I've robbed myself (and my family) of the past 3.5 years of trying everything in our power to have another child.

On a somewhat unrelated note, we dropped our preliminary paper work off in the mail today to the foster/adopt agency.  Not sure if that was a good idea or not, though.  I'm still feeling completely lost.

Second-Guessing...or Third...or Fourth

My heart and mind are so burdened right now.  I thought I had myself psyched up for foster/adopt, but now, I'm not so sure.  I have read extensively about another person's experiences...and I'm not sure it is something we can handle.  Foster care is not for the faint of heart--and while I consider myself to be a fairly resilient person (and my husband certainly is), we have to remember our daughter in all of this.  Our desire to have another child cannot put her at risk.  At all.  Ever.

I'm attempting to be trusting and put this all in God's hands, but it still weighs heavily on me.  Today, I want to throw my hands up and say screw it all--get rid of the crib, toys, etc. and learn to be content as a family of three.

Back from the Doc

My doctor felt around and said that I probably have a small cyst on my left ovary.  It isn't anything major and he isn't terribly concerned about it.  He said that if we decide to continue Clomid, next cycle will be a break.  I told him that we are ready to quit Clomid and focus on adoption.  He said, "You are intelligent, thinking people.  If that is what you want to do, I'm all for it.  If you decide to come back to work on fertility, I'm all for that, as well."  He also said that I have a higher chance of getting pregnant next cycle.  I told him I wasn't holding my breath, but he said not to lose hope.  The last time I was pregnant (with Baby May), I had a cyst the cycle before I got my BFP.  It happened that way twice for my friend.  Still, I'm not going to count on a miraculous pregnancy at this point.

Ouch!

This morning, I discovered that my lower abdomen is a little bit tender.  I poked around on my stomach and found that it is very painful when that area is touched.  Immediately, I had a feeling it was a cyst.  The sharp pain is radiating from a mass that can be felt from the outside.  I had my husband feel just to make sure I'm not making things up.  We went to town to get groceries (and a toddler bed!) and I started to feel nauseated.   I still feel that way and a little bit weak/dizzy.  I called my doctor's office and they are going to see me tomorrow.

If I needed more confirmation on my decision to stop Clomid, I think this is it.  I don't want to play this game anymore!

Tentative Plans

I spoke with my husband about discontinuing Clomid.  At first, he seemed a little bit hesitant, but in the end, he said (of course) that he is okay with whatever I want to do.  When I was on the phone with him, I felt sure that I wanted to never take Clomid again.  Now, I'm not sure.  I have a couple of weeks to decide.

Last night, I asked for a beat-me-over-the-head sign on what we should do.  This afternoon, a friend told me about a potential situation that will be coming up very, very soon.  It involves two kids--one is a tiny baby.  However, there is no way that we would have our paper work and background checks back in time to do anything with them.  Also, we don't feel equipped to adopt two children at once.  However, it really felt like a sign that we are on the right path.  Additionally, as I was working on paperwork for the foster agency, a commercial came on the radio about adoption through the foster system.

Definitely Gluten

This morning, I woke up with a small patch of rash (DH).  When I put lotion on after my shower, my whole skin felt--unhappy.  There is no doubt that I was glutened yesterday.  Of course, this is right around ovulation, so I'm guessing we have zero chance again, even with EWCM.

I couldn't sleep last night with all the thoughts floating through my mind about what to do.  I began to wonder if we should just stop Clomid.  If we are truly meant to adopt, I don't want to put my body through any more stress than it needs.  I don't want to give up a chance to get pregnant on our own, but it seems like if it isn't one thing, it is another (ala gluten).  Clomid tends to stay in a person's body for a cycle or two after they have stopped taking it, so we wouldn't be completely jumping ship.  I will consider it for a while and (obviously) talk to my husband to get his feelings on it--but I know he'll say, "Whatever you want to do."

I feel a bit more at peace, knowing that our child may still be out there, waiting for us.