Not At All Unexpected

I decided tonight to take a pregnancy test--my first in a few months.  I'm on CD 32, so I figured if there was a sliver of a chance, I could get a positive tonight.  Unfortunately, it was negative.  So, it looks like I will be starting Provera this weekend and then on to Clomid.

I hope this is it.  PLEASE let this be it.

Do.Not.Scratch!

Ugh.  I want to crawl out of my own skin right now.  I have eczema completely taking over the backs of my legs and more bug bites than I can count.  I woke up several times in the night, scratching like crazy.  Unfortunately, scratching my 'owies' just makes them itch more and (some of it) spread.  I have two different creams that I apply like a mad woman and will get another tomorrow.  *sigh*  One of the joys of summer.

On the TTC front, I'm still waiting for AF or waiting to take Provera.  I'm hoping for the former to show up sooner than later.

Doctor's Appointment

I had my annual exam with my OBGYN this afternoon.  I told her that we had taken a break for the past two months, and she was fine with that.  She understood the stress and disappointment that we have been through.  I told her that we were ready to start trying to get pregnant again as soon as this cycle ends.  She was supportive of that decision and said that she is willing to go as far as we'd like.  She said that they will do up to IUI's in their office.  I don't think that we will go that far, but it is good to know that it is available.  She also suggested that I may want to have an HSG done.  (They would shoot dye into my uterus and fallopian tubes and then watch it on an x-ray).

We will for sure be starting Clomid again next cycle.  I will start over at 50 mgs, which is a relief.  I filled my Rx a couple of months ago, but never took it.  She had me taking 150 mgs at that point, so I already have what I need.

I'll be getting a second opinion on July 6th.  I feel pretty good about my appointment today, but I would still like to hear from another doctor what I should do.

Not related to my reproductive tract, she gave me a Rx for my eczema.  (YAY!)  She also suspects that I may have rheumatoid arthritis.  I will be making an appointment for blood tests to determine if RA is the case.

I'm feeling excited about starting to TTC again.  I think the break has been good for me, however difficult it has been at times.

Long Time, No Post

It has been over a month since my last post, but I haven't had a whole lot to write about as far as trying for a baby is concerned.  I was able to get my period on my own last cycle, so that was a good thing.  Only time will tell on this cycle, since I'm hypothetically halfway through at this point.  We are at a crossroads as to what actions we should take.  I'm torn on seeking further infertility treatments or not.  I'm considering switching doctors to see if the new doctor can give me more answers.  I think that if what is wrong with my reproductive tract is an 'easy' fix, we'll pursue whatever it is to make it work correctly.  If it is more of a serious, ongoing issue, we'll probably stop fertility treatments.  We've agreed that we will continue to try for another baby, either aggressively or passively, for the next two years.  If we do not have a child of our own in that time, we will work toward adoption.  More than likely, we will pursue a foster to adopt situation, as traditional infant adoption is ridiculously expensive.  Of course, the entire thing will be an emotional roller coaster.  I know that, in the end, everything will work out the way it is supposed to, but the waiting and dreaming is killer.

Today is My Due Date

"Dear Lord, I would have loved to have held my baby on my lap and told him about You, but since I didn't get the chance, would you please hold him on Your lap and tell him about me?"

It's an appropriately gray day here today.  I had big plans to celebrate our angel baby's birthday.  I wanted to release a balloon at the top of a beautiful hill and plant a raspberry bush.  Unfortunately, Mother Nature had different plans.  We were not far from the balloon release site when bad weather moved in.  Tornado sirens sounded just 10 minutes after we left.  I am quite disappointed.  I was able to spend the day with my husband and daughter, though, so it wasn't a complete loss.

I've been a bit teary a few times today, but not as bad as I expected.  I suppose I've spent the last couple of weeks dreading this day so much that it when the day finally arrived, it is just another day.

It's Been a While

I haven't posted in a while, because I've had trouble dealing with my feelings.  I was hugely disappointed by my BFN a few weeks ago and now I'm sad about the situation at hand.  After much deliberation, we have decided to take a break from trying for another baby.  The stress of it all was getting to be too much.  We will start trying again in July.

I feel quite defeated.  I don't know why it is taking so long to get (and stay) pregant, but as far as I'm concerned, it better be a damned good reason.  I feel like we'll be starting a square one again when we start back up in the summer, which is depressing in itself.  It took us 16+ months to get where we are, which is really nowhere.  I'm not sure how long we'll continue TTC after we begin again before we call it quits for good.

We've talked about adoption, and my husband is very into the idea if we cannot concieve on our own.  However, the cost is far too great for our meager earnings.  It usually costs in excess of 20K.  That is something we just cannot manage.

At this point, we need a miracle.

Sixteen Months

Sixteen @#*$!@ months.  That's how long we've been trying for another baby.  How is it, then, that I took a pregnancy test this morning and it was negative?  Still!

I'm so pissed and upset.  I can't even put it into words.  Right now, I'm ready to quit.  I'm tired of charting, temping, obsessing, testing, having side effects all for--what?  NOTHING.  How is it that teenagers and other less fit (at least so it seems) people can pop them out like a machine gun?  Eff this.  Eff it all.