Quote

While searching for an inspirational quote for some graphic-design work, I came across this from Mother Theresa.  I couldn't pass putting it up on my blog:

"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much." ~Mother Teresa

Starting Over

This morning, I took a pregnancy test.  I wasn't expecting anything but a negative result, and I was right.  While a bit disappointing, it is for the better.  My body has had 6 weeks to recover and will have couple more weeks yet before the potential to get pregnant again is there.  I took a test in order to move on and start my Provera (to start a period).  Today was Day #1, and I have to take it for 10 days.  I'm sooo ready to get my body back on track and start officially trying again.

Trying to Decide

A week from today, I get to call for an Rx for Provera to get my body jump started.  (That is, if my period doesn't show up between then and now...but I'm not holding my breath!)  I've been taking the herbs Dong Quai and Vitex for about a month now.  I've read that it can take a couple of months for them to take effect, but I'm getting tired of taking a handful of pills everyday, twice a day to no avail.  Yes, I'm being impatient!  LOL.  I just can't wait to get my body back on track.  In the meantime, I'm trying to lay low on other things.  I stopped taking my temperature and keeping track of every little thing.  It is still constantly on my mind, though, so it isn't like I'm relaxing about it.  *Le sigh*

Anyway...those are my ramblings for tonight.  :)

Just In Case...

The other day, a good friend told me that he'd read my blog and was worried about me.  I assured him that I was really doing better than it appears from what I write on my blog.  I thought I might make a more positive note to let everyone who reads this know that I really am okay.

I am very blessed.  I have a fabulous husband, a gorgeous daughter, a supportive family, and a myriad of friends behind me.  I live in a great town, have a wonderful home, love my job, ad nauseum.  I went through a traumatic ordeal that I do not wish upon my worst enemy, but I'm coming through it.  I have my moments, and when they occur, I usually write about them here.  I vent about it and then feel relieved until the next moment comes along.  I can go for days without crying now.  If I do cry, it is usually only for a small while, and then I move on.

So, many, many thanks for all of your support.  Just the fact that you read this blog means a lot to me.

More Hard Moments

Today, I made the mistake of trying to figure out how far along I should have been at this point in my pergnancy.  I was supposed to have been almost 14 weeks pregnant at this point.  I would have probably started to feel some little flutterings soon and would also be able to find out whether we were having a boy or girl within a few weeks.  My friends who are due around the time I was are begining to show a bit.  Let's just say that it is hard.

This week marks one month since my D&C.  How it is possible it has been a month, I'll never know.  It is good and bad, but mostly good that time is passing and we're moving on.  (For the most part).  I have yet to get my 'regular' cycles back, but that is to be expected.  My doctor said that if I haven't gotten a period within 6 weeks post-D&C, she'll give me medicine to get things rolling.  I'm a planner, so I know that means it will be even longer before we can get pregnant.  Two weeks from now will be the end of November.  Add 10 days on to that taking the medicine, probably a week or so of a period, then two weeks of waiting to see if I ovulate... If we are so lucky to get pregnant on the first cycle, we are looking at another October baby.  My husband, daughter, and myself are all October birthdays.  I'm okay with that.  I can be okay with it.  *Please, please, please don't take much longer than that!*  December would mark a year of trying for another baby.  Ouch.

A Page for Baby

Today, I looked at my sonogram picture of the baby for the first time since our loss.  I love doing digital scrapbooking (and graphic design stuff in general), but haven't made a page in months because of school.  I felt compelled to scrap for the baby.  It brought up my sadness again, but I know it is normal and won't be the last time the emotions bubble to the surface.

(It reads: On September 9th, 2009, we discovered our second child was on the way.  We were thrilled.  Unfortunately, our angel wasn't meant to stay with us.  On October 8th, at 9 weeks, our baby went home to heaven.)

My Weekend

On Friday night, I went to The Blue Moon with some friends.  I hadn't been there since before my miscarriage.  I sang a lot of karaoke and had a great time just hanging out.  My husband stayed home to take care of our daughter.  When he dropped me off, he made the comment that we should compromise by me going out that night and he could go hunting the next morning.  I told him that was fine and went on my way.  The next morning, he came home and was very vague about his hunting expedition.  That is out of character for him--he usually tells me every little detail, so I knew something was up.  He went out the the car and came back in and told me that he hadn't really been hunting.  He had gone to Walmart at 6 am and stood in line for 2 hours to buy me a new laptop.  I just melted.  I'm so excited about my new computer, but the fact that he did that for me--it means more than I can put into words.

Today (Sunday), I went to visit my grandparents.  Their church was having a 125th anniversary.  I spent a lot of time with them and in the church as a kid, so we decided to make the trip down.  I'm glad we did.  The service was nice, it was great to see old friends, and the pastor's message really spoke to me.  After the service and meal, I spoke to the pastor.  He didn't know about my miscarriage, so I told him a bit about it.  He suddenly reached out to me and prayed that God heal my body and allow me to carry a healthy baby to full-term.  I was so moved by that, it almost made me tear up.

I have to share a little bit of the message from the pastor today.  He said, "Where you begin has nothing to do with where you end up."  His example was that Jesus was born in a stable, but that didn't prevent Him from achieving all that He did/does.  I've had a lot of adversity in my life--not just my miscarriage.  Thankfully, I feel like I've come through most of it in as good as shape as could be and carried on.  However, what the pastor said today reaffirmed that for me and renewed my feelings about overcoming adversity.

Anyway, I know that's pretty 'church-y', but it moved me and I hope that it might also touch you in some way.