A Realization?

Everything happens for a reason.  That is my mantra time and time again, even if I don't see the reasoning right away.  (And even if I say it while barely believing it).

Today, I may have seen a reason for something that was kind of a bad situation.  I'm a second-time college student.  I became burned-out after going to college for 3 years with no summer breaks (took summer classes) and discouraged when spending the extra time in class didn't get me to my degree any faster.  I wasn't working while in school at that point, so we were extremely poor in addition.  So, I dropped out.  We got married and had our daughter.  About 2 1/2 years ago, I decided that I really did want to finish my degree, so I went back to school.  I've been taking classes online for 2 years and plan to start school on-campus in the fall.  I also plan on trying out for the choir.  They will be going to England to perform in the spring and I would love to go.  Then, reality sets in.  How can I juggle school and home, along with choir?  Not to mention how much less time I'd have once we have another baby.  I started beating myself (for the millionth time) about not finishing school the first time.

Then, it came to me.  Considering all the trouble we've had trying to have another baby--what if we'd waited to have our daughter?  It is a possibility that we may not be able to have another child.  If we had waited until now to try for our first--we may have been childless.  I believe our daughter was given to us, when she was given to us for a reason.  I can see that, now.  It took until today for me to see that.

I've also suddenly come to the realization that maybe we need to take a break.  Since I'm already on half of the medicine to get things going, we'll certainly still try this cycle.  If this one is not successful, I'm thinking about talking about going back on birth control for a few months.  Sometimes that helps to regulate cycles. 

So many things are in limbo right now for me, but I'm starting to get a slightly clearer picture of which path I should take.  Right now, I'm just praying for the ability to be satisfied with what I have and be ready to accept things as God's will, regardless of what I want and when I want it.

When You Get Bucked Off...

...you have to get right back up on the horse, right?  Well, I'm on Provera again.  My @&#^! period did not come on its own.  I figured it wouldn't, though.  This is day 2 of 10.  I'll have to call and cancel/reschedule my appointment since Provera is progesterone, and that is what I really wanted checked.  Hopefully this is the last time we have to go through this mess.  The process is really losing it's charm.

Big Fat Negative

This morning, I took a pregnancy test.  I knew that it was going to be negative, but couldn't help the disappointment when my suspicions were confirmed.  My pre-period symptoms have completely stopped.  The plan is to see what happens today.  If I feel crampy or have more spotting, then I'll wait another day or two to see if my period shows up.  If I have nothing today, then I'll start Provera tonight.  I'm a couple days ahead of when my doctor usually says to take it, but since I got a BFN first thing this morning and have no pregnancy symptoms, I'd say that I'm in the clear.  If I do start Provera today, I'll cancel my doctor's appointment for now. I want to have my progesterone levels checked, and if I'm on Provera (progesterone) when I go to see her, my levels would not be accurate.  

So now--time to wait some more!

Hoping for October

I called my doctor's office yesterday and requested a prescription for Clomid.  The nurse was happy to call it in for me.  I'm not ready to take it yet--just waiting on my period.  I've had a lot of spotting, though.  I hope that my period is right around the corner so we can get the show on the road.  Otherwise, I'll be starting Provera again within a couple of days to start a period.  I'm hoping it shows on it's own for a variety of reasons, but for one reason in particular.  If we get pregnant this cycle, we will be due in October.  My husband, daughter, and myself are all October babies.  If everything looks good this cycle, I'll wait until Valentine's Day to test--the same day that I got my 'BFP' with my daughter 4 years ago.

Decisions

I have a doctor's appointment on January 13th to discuss a course of action for my next cycle.  Unfortunately, timing is everything when it comes to getting pregnant.  I either have a very light period, or the real thing is right around the corner.  The first day of a period is CD (cycle day) 1.  My doctor has me take Clomid on CD 5-9.  If I wait to talk to her before making any decisions, I'll miss the Clomid window this cycle.  I have a feeling my main problem may be a progesterone deficiency, but I don't want to throw a cycle away at this point just to wait and see.  I did that this cycle...and look where it got me.

I'm still trying to remain positive and hopeful, but when in limbo, it is hard!

A Little More Hope

Yesterday was a hard day for me.  I had another low temp which made me really upset.  I didn't want to get out of bed and I certainly did not want to go to church.  My husband essentially made me go, though, and I was mostly glad that I did.  After church, we went out to eat with some good friends from our church, which helped to lift my spirits some.  I still couldn't shake my blues completely, though.  I then went shopping with some gift cards that I got for Christmas.  I bought some new clothes and a big tote.  When I got home, I went to my closet and put all of my maternity clothes in the tote.  They have been hanging there since even before I got pregnant.  After I lost the baby, I couldn't bear to put them away.  Then, I was so hopeful for this cycle that I decided to just let them be.  I just can't hold onto false hope anymore for this cycle, though.  I hope it helps me to have them out of sight.

Today started like yesterday...crappy temps, which put me in a funk.  However, I started doing some research about why my temps may be so low at this point.  My friend and pastor has been telling me for several months now that she thinks I need to have my progesterone levels checked.  Wouldn't you know--everything I'm reading points to that exact cause.  Low progesterone could have also caused my miscarriage. I immediately put in a call to my doctor's office for a consultation.  Unfortunately, they can't get me in for a couple of weeks.  I hope that is enough time to not lose the next cycle, also.  In the meantime, I suppose I can hold out hope that my period will come on it's own.  I'm on cycle day 23 right now, so I hope it shows up in about a week or so.  It would be great to not have to delay things even further with Provera.

Probably a False Alarm

*Le sigh*  Sooo, my temperatures are not good.  They are suppose to dip down (usually signaling ovulation) and then rise by a lot and stay up if pregnancy occurred.  Well, mine dipped, but didn't come up much...and then dipped again.  We timed 'baby dancing' around the first dip, so if I ovulated later, we missed it.  Then again, this may turn out to be another cycle that I don't ovulate.  If that is the case, then I'm back on Clomid next month.  Ugh.  So bummed!

Apart from that--Merry Christmas!