Dream

Last night, I dreamed that I was pregnant.  I was in the hospital being checked (probably because I was worried about something), but the doctors all said I was fine.  I wished that my belly was bigger so that people could tell I was pregnant because I was so very thrilled.  I stood by a window with my hands on my belly and prayed that the baby would be born healthy.  I vividly felt the baby moving and remember thinking how thankful I was to be able to feel movement like that again.


I hope I get to experience the flutterings for real someday soon!

Appointment Scheduled

Last week, I scheduled my overdue annual exam with my OB/GYN for January 10th.  I hope that he will be proactive and receptive to my thoughts, particularly concerning Celiac disease.  It seems that people with CD often have vitamin deficiencies, so I hope to get some testing to confirm/deny any in me.  My dentist thinks that I am deficient in some vitamin or other need, as my gums bleed easily despite them being very healthy.

About a year ago, my doctor and I discussed the possibility of being referred to a Reproductive Endocrinologist.  I'm hoping that my doctor will feel confident that my issues can be taken care of in his office, as the nearest RE is 1.5 hours from here and I'm not sure how much of a specialist, if any, would be covered by insurance.

I hope that my next update is full of excitement and anticipation!

Wishy-Washy

I think I can officially say that we will not be pursuing adoption again until after I graduate in December 2012.  I feel mostly at peace with it right now, which is really all I can ask at this point.

In the meantime, we'll probably go back to TTC in a couple of months.  I need to have my annual exam (still) and at that time, we'll discuss using fertility meds again.  I imagine I'll be on Clomid again since my cycles are still all over the place, despite being gluten-free for over a year.  We will wait until March-ish so that if there is a chance for me to get pregnant, I wouldn't be due until after I graduate.

Despite going back and forth on plans and feelings, I feel strangely content with everything right now.  Our daughter is very independent and relatively easy.  Adding a new baby to the mix while I try to finish school would make things much more difficult.  I haven't given up hope that we will have another baby someday soon, whether it be biologically or through adoption, but I feel okay with the waiting...for today.  :)

Reminder

Another Delay

Unfortunately, being an adult means making difficult decisions.  With the way things are going, it looks like our plans to adopt will be put on hold until I graduate...a year from now.

We've been a one-income family for five years and have steadily been doing better, financially.  My husband had a part-time job that helped pick up the slack more than we knew--until that job was no more.  He worked part-time on his days off from his full-time job.  His part-time employer, however, decided to hire another full-time person, which essentially eliminated the need for part-time help.  He still gets on-call time, but that pays a whopping $1/hour unless he gets called out to work.

Therefore, in the past several months, we've literally been living paycheck to paycheck and, most of the time, just short of it.  Yesterday, we had to move some money around to get through the weekend.  On my drive home from school, while processing the reality of our situation, I realized that adoption is going to have to go on the back burner.

Even if someone were to write us a check for all of the adoption costs, no birth mother is going to choose us due to our lack of financial stability at this point.  A lawyer probably wouldn't allow us to go through the process.

I'm very, very sad about this.  I feel like it is all my fault since I am in school, which prevents me from working.  (Or, I could get a part-time job and never see my family).  There aren't many jobs that are willing to work around my husband's schedule for part-time hours (for him OR me).

I don't know where to go from here.  Maybe we aren't meant to have any other children at all.

Christmas Break

Christmas break is a mere two and a half weeks away.  I'm anxiously awaiting my month off from school for many reasons, including the obvious month off from school.  This semester has tried my patience and my ability to keep up on things more than I would prefer.  Thankfully, next semester will be a lighter load and my last as an in-class college student (for now, anyway).  The following semester will be spent student-teaching, which means that I will be graduating a year from now.  (WWWWWOOOOOOOTTTTT!)

Another big reason I'm anticipating the break is because a lot of that time will be devoted to getting serious about a private adoption.  We will be contacting lawyers who specialize in private adoptions, working on the house to get it home-visit ready, finishing the crib set, and putting together our adoption portfolio.  It seems scary right now, but I know everything we've gone through and have yet to experience will be more than worth it when we hold our child.

I may not have any updates between now and mid-December due to final projects and prepping for tests, but I'm sure I will be blogging rapidly during Christmas break.

Hang on...this may be a bumpy ride!

Another Loss

A couple of weeks ago, after some greatly extended bleeding, I had a realization--I had another miscarriage.  This time, it had to have been too early to know, which is a blessing, if there is one to be had in this situation.

I have been mostly numb about it--no real feelings either way.  I had a few misty-eyed moments, but I've handled it fairly well.  I'm choosing to believe that it is yet another sign that we are meant to adopt.