Today is My Due Date

"Dear Lord, I would have loved to have held my baby on my lap and told him about You, but since I didn't get the chance, would you please hold him on Your lap and tell him about me?"

It's an appropriately gray day here today.  I had big plans to celebrate our angel baby's birthday.  I wanted to release a balloon at the top of a beautiful hill and plant a raspberry bush.  Unfortunately, Mother Nature had different plans.  We were not far from the balloon release site when bad weather moved in.  Tornado sirens sounded just 10 minutes after we left.  I am quite disappointed.  I was able to spend the day with my husband and daughter, though, so it wasn't a complete loss.

I've been a bit teary a few times today, but not as bad as I expected.  I suppose I've spent the last couple of weeks dreading this day so much that it when the day finally arrived, it is just another day.

It's Been a While

I haven't posted in a while, because I've had trouble dealing with my feelings.  I was hugely disappointed by my BFN a few weeks ago and now I'm sad about the situation at hand.  After much deliberation, we have decided to take a break from trying for another baby.  The stress of it all was getting to be too much.  We will start trying again in July.

I feel quite defeated.  I don't know why it is taking so long to get (and stay) pregant, but as far as I'm concerned, it better be a damned good reason.  I feel like we'll be starting a square one again when we start back up in the summer, which is depressing in itself.  It took us 16+ months to get where we are, which is really nowhere.  I'm not sure how long we'll continue TTC after we begin again before we call it quits for good.

We've talked about adoption, and my husband is very into the idea if we cannot concieve on our own.  However, the cost is far too great for our meager earnings.  It usually costs in excess of 20K.  That is something we just cannot manage.

At this point, we need a miracle.

Sixteen Months

Sixteen @#*$!@ months.  That's how long we've been trying for another baby.  How is it, then, that I took a pregnancy test this morning and it was negative?  Still!

I'm so pissed and upset.  I can't even put it into words.  Right now, I'm ready to quit.  I'm tired of charting, temping, obsessing, testing, having side effects all for--what?  NOTHING.  How is it that teenagers and other less fit (at least so it seems) people can pop them out like a machine gun?  Eff this.  Eff it all.

No News

I don't have any news to report.  I'm idling in the 2WW, still.  I don't plan on testing until at least the 19th, so 6 more days.  I still feel different than I have in previous cycles, so I'm hoping it's for a good reason.

So, not much to say, but I'm still here!

I Should Really Shut Up

...because I got solid cross hairs on my chart today, which means I ovulated.  We had awesome timing, so we'll see if anything comes of it.  I hope and pray that this is our cycle.  Friday marks 6 months since our miscarriage and April is 16 months of trying for another baby.  I'd love to be pregnant now so that I can get through my due date (May 12) a little easier.  We'll see.

Usually at this point, I have pregnancy symptoms.  Clomid is a lovely little thing and does that to me.  So far, I don't.  I'm hoping that is a good sign.

I found out two more people that I know are pregnant.  It gets harder and harder to hear with each one.  *sigh* I know it has nothing to do with me, but it still sucks that I can't join them in their bliss.

Frustrated

I'm getting frustrated with this cycle already...what's new?  LOL.  I normally ovulate (with the help of Clomid) on CD 13 or CD 14.  Today is CD 15 and it appears that I may be ovulating today.  That is, if my temperatures go up and stay up tomorrow and beyond.  I will be terribly disappointed if I do not ovulate.  I need at least a chance of getting pregnant this cycle!

It's Gettin' Hot In Here!

The first couple of days on my doubled dosage of Clomid went by easily.  I had no side effects to speak of.  I almost made a blog post about my disbelief at my luck.  Oh, how quickly things change!

I've been sooo hot lately.  If you know me, you know this is not at all common for me.  I'm almost always cold.  I slept with no covers on and the window next to the bed wide open last night.  I don't feel hot tonight...at least thus far.  I'm sure it will catch up with me around 3 am.  :)

The good thing about all of this is that I took my last pills tonight.  It's almost time for game on.  I would really, *really* like to get pregnant this cycle.  Really.