Here and There

First and foremost, I ovulated!  I'm very pleased that last cycle was more of a fluke than a pattern.  Now I have to wait.

On the adoption front, I contacted several lawyers and one agency to get a feel for what they require of potential adoptive families.  Unfortunately, they all want $20-$30K.  All of them also require a $750 application fee, with the remaining amount due 24 hours after a match.  None of the money would roll over if a match fails, either...we would have to start over from scratch if that were to happen. There is just no way that we can afford that kind of financial burden.  Not now nor any time in the future.

All we can do is hope and pray that a child will come into our lives soon--either biologically or through a private adoption.

The End is Looming

I know I've said it before, but I have a feeling in my gut that we will not be able to conceive another child.  Last weekend, I held my cousin's newborn baby and truly felt that our family is not complete.  We need another squishy baby of our own.  This means that I am beginning to re-investigate adoption.  I currently have several web pages open and my heart is beating fast and I have a butterfly-feeling in my stomach.  Admittedly, I am terrified of adoption.  I'm afraid of rejection and of an even longer wait.  I'm afraid of fees that we cannot afford.  I'm afraid of problems with the birth mother/family and delays with finalization.  I'm afraid of having our hearts broken again.

Hot Flashes

Hot flashes are highly annoying at any time, but hot flashes during the summer are torture.

May 12

May 12, 2010 was supposed to be my due date with Baby May (hence the nickname).  This year came and went without me noticing, surprisingly.  I just realized yesterday, despite the fact that May is significant in my timeline of life because of it.  I feel a little bit guilty, which might sound silly to you, but I know it is a step toward healing.  I don't want to forget (and I won't), but I also don't want to pine away for what wasn't meant to be for the rest of my life.

I'm over halfway finished with my fourth dosage of Clomid.  Contrary to what I thought, they did not increase my dosage.  I suppose that is because AF showed on time without any help from meds.  I hope that I ovulate this month, as looking at a chart like last cycle's leaves you feeling hopeless.

Good News/Bad News

The good news is that AF showed on its own today.  The bad news is that AF showed today...and that I didn't ovulate this cycle, even with Clomid.  I will be bumped up to 150 mg. this (new) cycle.  I'm hoping that my side effects won't be more than I can handle.  I had a rough go of them this past cycle.

Three more cycles left...then...????

Not Looking Any Better

Unfortunately, I think that this will be an anovulatory cycle.  I think this is the first time this has happened while taking Clomid, which is disheartening.  I just hope that AF shows up soon...and not another month from now.

Crappy Chart

Well, I thought CD 16 was ovulation day, for sure.  Unfortunately, my temps went back down.  If (and it feels like a big "if" right now) my temps go up tomorrow and continue to do so, today is ovulation day.  I can tell that ovulation is still looming since I don't have my usual post-O symptoms.  I don't think I've ever ovulated this late--on my own or otherwise.  I'm not holding my breath.

I'm beginning to feel (again) that the only way we'll have another child is through adoption.  I just don't know if we have the resources or emotional storehouse for it anymore.  :(