Research

I subscribe to a newsletter published by www.celiac.com.  One of the articles in their newest newsletter discussed research on infertility related to Celiac disease.  The research wasn't conclusive, but it gave me a bit of hope.  Two statements jumped out at me amid the medical jargon:  Women who experience CD-related infertility tend to experience 1) increased infertility in the two years leading up to diagnosis and 2) increased fertility in the five years post-diagnosis--as in, fertility beyond that of women without CD.  Obviously the second half of the statement hasn't come to fruition for me, but it does give me something.

In other news, I am currently at CD 20.  If my body is working correctly, AF should show soon.  I'm hoping that if I am not pregnant, I at least get some closure sooner this cycle than last.

This was our last cycle actively TTC until late March or April.  I will be student teaching in the fall and it wouldn't be prudent to give birth in the middle of that semester.  March would give us a December baby...right around graduation.  Again, I'm NOT holding my breath.

Small Update

This time of year is difficult for me. The two year anniversary of the loss of our baby because of my Celiac disease is rapidly approaching...on my birthday. Last night, I cried myself to sleep thinking about our baby and the terrible time we've had TTC for the past three years. I prayed that I either can feel peace in never having another child or reassurance and patience that we WILL have another. This afternoon, we went to my mom's for lunch. Someone asked her if we still want to adopt. She said that we certainly do, so the lady mailed her a pamphlet to give me. It is for an organization that helps pregnant women make decisions about abortion, adoption, or keeping their baby. They also help to facilitate private adoptions. I sent them an email right away to get more info about becoming a potential adoptive family. I don't know if this is supposed to be a sign or answer to my prayer, but I will take what I can get at this point!

Daughter

And he said to her, “Daughter, your faith has made you well; go in peace, and be healed of your disease.”


Today was my university's opening church service.  The message by the pastor was centered around this verse.  It struck me and brought tears to my eyes.  The woman in the story suffered for twelve years and was miraculously healed because of her faith.

My husband and I decided to try for a baby on our own again seriously this cycle.  My last cycle was text-book, which is fantastic for me.  If we were somehow able to get pregnant, we would be due in May.  An early summer baby would be perfect so that I could have three months at home before student teaching in the fall and not "interfere" much with the spring semester.  Of course, "the best laid schemes of mice and men / Go oft awry."  We'll give it our best shot and have faith that we will be holding another baby of our own soon.  I can't wait.  The hubs can't wait.  Our daughter can't wait.
I must have faith.

Being Thrust Back Into Adoption

Last week, we unexpectedly received a phone call from a lawyer we know well.  He said that he know of a potential private adoption for us, but it didn't sound like it would come to fruition   However, he asked if we were interested in private adoption.  I told him that we are, and he said that there are cases that come in to him with some frequency.  He said he would let us know if he hears of something that sounds like it has potential.  The same day, a friend told me of another potential private adoption situation.  Two days later, another friend told me about another potential situation!

We have had a few situations come up before and obviously nothing came of them.  I don't know if anything will happen with the two specific babies that we know of at the moment, but it certainly feels like this is what God is telling us we will do.  Unlike trying to get pregnant month after month, year after year, every new adoption possibility gives me hope that we will bring home a baby someday soon.

More

I am taking two classes this summer (Spanish I followed by Spanish II).  This afternoon, I did not want to go to class.  I was feeling rather blue after writing my last blog post and came very close to skipping class.  I decided to go to school after all and headed to town.  I have a 30 minute drive from home to school and it is sort of my self-therapy time.  Sometimes I blare music, I've cried a few times, etc., but I mostly use the time to think.  Today, I continued to think about my last post, particularly the bit about my tattoo and its unintentional significance (besides everything else it represents.)  I suddenly had a realization.  Of course my tattoo is on my back.  We all have our crosses to bear and this, THIS is my cross--both literally and figuratively.  I don't understand why I've been chosen for this particular mission, especially since I a few other things in my current or past life that are dark and traumatic.  However, this is it.  This is me.  Do with me what you will, Lord.  Just throw me a bone every now and then, okay?

CD 1...Again

I haven't posted in some time, but there isn't much to update at this point.  Thank you for checking in while I've been absent.  Yesterday was yet another CD 1.  I calculated around 29 months of TTC now, not counting the three-ish months that I was pregnant with Baby May.

I have been struggling for some time in my faith because of this TTC journey--more than I care to admit.  I am angry that God seems to be telling me that I am not fit to parent another child, yet I see people who are obviously unable to meet the basic needs of children have one after another.  I sat in church a few weeks ago and wept while looking at the picture of Jesus on the wall.  My thoughts were crying out, "Why have you left me?" but I know that isn't the case.  I could hear it simultaneously in my heart that it is me, not Him.  I am slowly trying to turn this over to God and stop trying to control it.  It is hard for me to let go, even though I know there is absolutely nothing I can do (that I haven't already) to change my situation.  I also feel like I'm being told that it will be some time before we conceive again--possibly years.  That is a hard pill to swallow, but I know the sooner I accept it, the sooner I can feel peace.

I also realized that getting my tattoo and including a cross was absolutely the right thing for me to do.  (Let me explain...lol).  My tattoo is on my back, so I do not see it all the time.  I might forget that it is there, but I catch a glimpse of it in the mirror or in a picture and remember.  It will always be there, no matter how angry or downtrodden I am, no matter how many times I remain silent.  It is a part of me that will last longer than the life in my physical body, just as God and my faith will continue--even if I lose sight temporarily.

So, in honor of my shaken, but not absent, faith, below is a song that tells my story much better than I ever could:

And, of course, the poignant lyrics:

I cant promise you that I wont let you down
And I
I cant promise you that I will be the only one around
When your hope falls down
But were young
Open flowers in the windy fields of this war-torn world
And love
This city breathes the plague of loving things more than their Creator

I ran away
I could not take the burden of both me and you
It was too fast
Casting love on me as if it were a spell I could not break
When it was a promise I could not make

But what if I was wrong?

But hold on to what you believe in the light
When the darkness has robbed you of all your sight

And now this land
Means less and less to me without you breathing through its trees
At every turn
The water runs away from me and the halo disappears
And the hole when you're not near

So what if I was wrong?

But hold on to what you believe in the light
When the darkness has robbed you of all your sight

So hold on to what you believed in the light

10,000+ Views!

I just noticed that I have passed the 10,000 views mark.  Wow!  I am humbled that anyone would read my blog at all, but particularly that some of you would return time and again to check in with me.

Thank you so much.