A Change in Direction

If you look around my blog, you may notice that I've made some changes.  This represents a change in direction for us.  I have taken my cycle ticker and link down and also added a word to my header: adoption.

Before we began trying for child #2, my husband (maybe half-jokingly) mentioned adoption.  At the time, I said I thought it was a lovely idea, but that I wanted another biological child.  Two years and one miscarriage later, I am ready to pursue adoption.

We want nothing more than to expand our family by one more member.  We know that we have room in our hearts for another child--in fact, we ache for it.  We want our daughter to have a sibling, friend, and playmate.  We want to give our extended families the joy of another grandchild.  Clearly, we need a change in game plan to reach our goal.

My husband and I made the decision yesterday.  We have also decided that we will start the process very soon.  We will begin consulting with a lawyer as soon as we can and prepare for a home study.  We are also going to let anyone and everyone we know that we want to adopt.  We are hoping to adopt through a private situation, meaning we will not go through an agency.  We'll, essentially, have to find a birth mother on our own.  An agency situation would be lovely, but it is extremely expensive.  I cannot imagine paying $40,000 for the process.  We've also considered fostering-to-adopt, but that requires eight weeks of classes, four hours at a time, to become a certified foster parent.  If we didn't already have a million other things going on, we would go that route.

So, lots of hope and prayers.  We need them.  I know we are meant to have another child.  I hope they find their way to us soon!

It's Over

Just an hour after I posted my last blog entry, my period showed it's ugly face.  That means we will not try for another baby until July 2011.  I am devastated and angry.  I don't even know what to 'say' at this point.

If you know someone who wants to give a baby up for adoption, let me know.

Watch Out for Falling Temps Ahead

I stopped taking my temperature this morning.  Yesterday morning, my temp fell below my 'coverline,' and the two days before it weren't too exciting, either.  It is heart-breaking to believe in something and have it evade you...constantly.  I had so much hope for this cycle, but I am now starting to feel the sting of defeat.  Obviously it isn't over until my period shows up, but this is ridiculous.  In just a few days, we will be finished trying for another baby for nine months.  I shake my head at the thought that people can get 'knocked up' on accident, be on drugs throughout a pregnancy, or already have a whole slew of kids and get pregnant again...and yet we can't have just.one.more.  That's it!  I am not asking for too much, at least I don't think.  Apparently God, the universe, whomever, doesn't think that I can handle it.

Be prepared for an even bigger rant in a few days.  ::hangs head::

Confirmation

Today, fertilityfriend.com gave me solid cross hairs based on my morning temperatures.  That means that it determined that I, indeed, ovulated.  This time, we had great timing, so I'm trying to be optimistic. 

My friend and pastor's message yesterday was on the need to pray unceasingly when something is terribly important to a person.  I have been doing that quite a bit this cycle, but decided to make it essential to any quiet moment that I may have.  This is our last active cycle (as I've said probably ten times, now...lol) trying to concieve until next summer.  I'm trying to keep the faith and ask for a miracle to be given to us now.

October 15

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.  I know a lot of people who are 'coming out' with their miscarriages today, which is a major step for them in their healing process.  I hope that they receive the support they have been missing!  I have always been very open with my infertility and miscarriage, and it has been very comforting to me to have people to lean on.  (Of course, it sometimes warrants inappropriate comments, but that can't be helped.  Some people don't know what they are saying is hurtful.)

Tonight, I will be lighting a candle for the baby we lost a year ago at 7:00 pm, CST.  I invite anyone who has lost a baby or is close to someone who has to do the same, in your own time zone.  We will be contributing to the 'wave of light' that goes around the world in honor of our beautiful angels.

One Year

One year ago today, a baby who was very much wanted was lost.  We didn't know until four days later.  Today was our daughter's fourth birthday party.  We have several balloons, so I took one for our baby.  I wrote on it, "We love you and miss you, Baby K," and set it free.

Tough times...

One More Cycle

I had my appointment with my OB this morning.  I was very agitated before he came into the exam room, because I had to wait almost an hour to see him.  I was already on edge because of my circumstances, so my hopes of having a good appointment were all but dashed.  However, as the last time I visited with him, my OB made me change my tune right away.  He is so personable and I can tell that he has paid attention to my chart and knows what is going on with me.

When he came in, he had a frown on his face.  He said, "When I saw your name on the schedule, I was really hoping it was for happy reasons.  When you left my office three months ago, I was sure that the next time I'd see you would be for your first prenatal appointment."  He told me that my charts looked good and the progesterone draw I had done my first cycle back on Clomid show that I am ovulating.  He told me that the next step could be doing a complete fertility workup on both my husband and me.  He shook his head again and said that he didn't feel like we needed the scans since we've been pregnant twice--the first with no trouble conceiving whatsoever, but he would get me started on them if I wanted.  He recommended that if we start any testing, to start with the sperm analysis since it is easy and relatively inexpensive.

I told him that our plan was to try for one more month, then take off until next summer to avoid having a baby in the middle of a semester.  Then, we would like to try again for a few months.  If we do not conceive, then we would like to proceed with adoption.  I told him that, in my research, gluten-intolerance can lead to infertility and miscarriage, so I wonder if my body still needs time to heal before being able to support a pregnancy.  He agreed that it was certainly a possibility.  He told me about a patient who had one healthy pregnancy and then went on to lose two pregnancies toward the end of the first trimester.  Her father was diagnosed with Celiac Disease, so she was also tested.  She was positive and went on a gluten-free diet.  He said that within a matter of months, she was pregnant--with twins, no less, and was able to carry them to term.

He said that our plan was a good one and that he didn't feel like he had contributed much to the conversation...lol.  I told him the fact that he was there, shaking his head yes, was all I needed.  Well, and a new Rx for more Clomid.  :)

I have a little more hope than I did in the last couple of days.  I don't want to get overly excited, because I know it is a good possibility that we will not become pregnant, but I'm glad to have a doctor who genuinely cares and wants us to succeed.  When he handed me the Rx, he said, "This is it.  I know this is it!"  I hope he's right!