Somewhere Between Hopeful and Disappointed

The good news is that I, miraculously, have some EWCM today.  I can tell you the last time that appeared was before Clomid.  So, yay for that.

The bad news is that I was glutened today...and it must have been a pretty big "dose."  My stomach is NOT happy now.  It is weird that I never had the "typical" Celiac symptoms before I went GF.  Now, I know within an hour or so of consuming gluten.  Blech.

Also, our information and forms for foster/adopt came in the mail today.  I'm biting the bullet and filing them out.  After talking with friends and (of course) my husband, I decided that we will set our sights on respite/emergency care and hope for the best.  That's about all we can do.  I just hope that my faith will be restored soon.  I'm doing better, but I still don't feel terribly excited or hopeful.

Phone Call

This morning, a lady from the foster care agency I've been emailing called me.  I was very honest with her in that we are only willing to take kids 0-3 years old and that our last experience with foster/adopt was not a positive one.  She suggested that police-protective care may be a good fit for us, because some of the children are straight from the hospital...and some of those babies become available for adoption.  Having them right away would give us a good chance at adoption.

I'm still unsure of my feelings on the whole thing.  It is very scary to know that even if a little bitty comes into our home, we may not be able to keep them.  I am in contact with a woman who is in the process of adopting a baby from foster care (they took him home from the hospital), so I know it is possible.  But how probable?

The good news is that we will not have to take another class prior to licensing since we already completed another program.  That is one fairly large hurdle out of the way.

Again, we will not make any major decisions until I graduate.  Hopefully by then, I will have a more clear idea of what we want/can handle.  My husband is on board for whatever I want to do, so the decision is really mine to make.

On another note, I added Mucinex again to my routine.  There isn't much CM left to account for, so I'm hoping the Mucinex will help get whatever is there, moving.

And, for your listening pleasure, a song that I have been listening to on repeat since I bought the soundtrack. I highly recommend you crank your speakers for this song.

A Little Better

I feel a little better today.  Not quite as hopeless, but certainly not hopeful yet.

As I approach ovulation, I'm (again) unsure of the CM issue.  It seems like there is a little bit more, and it might even be changing to EWCM, but it isn't a huge increase.  I hope it is enough for a miraculous conception.  Not holding my breath, though.

We are going away for the weekend, as July 2nd is our 7th wedding anniversary.  I'm hoping a couple days out of town and just the two of us will help to clear my psyche.  Bonus: I'll be ovulating!

Struggling

Tonight, I am really struggling with our situation and the toll it is taking on me.  I feel absolutely hopeless.

Results?

After some more reading, I decided to cut my green tea consumption back to once a day.  I also upped my dosage of evening primrose oil and stopped taking an extra vitamin C.  I already take a multivitamin that gives me 100% of what I need, so I was really just wasting the pills.  The verdict is still out on the CM.  It seems like there might be more, but I didn't pay much attention to it before ovulation.

I completed my fifth round of Clomid (this time) and the side effects haven't been too bad.  I've had a few hot flashes in the last couple of days, but not as bad as I remember from last cycle.  Either that, or I'm getting used to it.  My ovaries feel swollen, but I think that's probably a good thing in this case.

The message in church today was to hold firm to faith while going through life's trials.  I admit that I don't have much faith that we will ever get pregnant by ourselves...and I don't have much faith that we will be able to adopt.  I'm not sure how to change my hardened heart after all this time.  I don't think it's something you do easily.

Insurance

My husband's employer recently switched prescription insurance carriers.  I didn't think much of it until I went to pick up my Clomid.  It is no longer covered.  Thankfully, it is still fairly cheap, but it is so disheartening to know that no other IF meds would be covered.  (Not that we were ever planning to go beyond Clomid--it's just another nail in the coffin.)

And...

I spoke with my husband about possibly being a foster home for short-term respite and police-protection respite.  He said he's cool with it if I want to do it.  Wow!

We have a lot to do before December!