Being Thrust Back Into Adoption

Last week, we unexpectedly received a phone call from a lawyer we know well.  He said that he know of a potential private adoption for us, but it didn't sound like it would come to fruition   However, he asked if we were interested in private adoption.  I told him that we are, and he said that there are cases that come in to him with some frequency.  He said he would let us know if he hears of something that sounds like it has potential.  The same day, a friend told me of another potential private adoption situation.  Two days later, another friend told me about another potential situation!

We have had a few situations come up before and obviously nothing came of them.  I don't know if anything will happen with the two specific babies that we know of at the moment, but it certainly feels like this is what God is telling us we will do.  Unlike trying to get pregnant month after month, year after year, every new adoption possibility gives me hope that we will bring home a baby someday soon.

More

I am taking two classes this summer (Spanish I followed by Spanish II).  This afternoon, I did not want to go to class.  I was feeling rather blue after writing my last blog post and came very close to skipping class.  I decided to go to school after all and headed to town.  I have a 30 minute drive from home to school and it is sort of my self-therapy time.  Sometimes I blare music, I've cried a few times, etc., but I mostly use the time to think.  Today, I continued to think about my last post, particularly the bit about my tattoo and its unintentional significance (besides everything else it represents.)  I suddenly had a realization.  Of course my tattoo is on my back.  We all have our crosses to bear and this, THIS is my cross--both literally and figuratively.  I don't understand why I've been chosen for this particular mission, especially since I a few other things in my current or past life that are dark and traumatic.  However, this is it.  This is me.  Do with me what you will, Lord.  Just throw me a bone every now and then, okay?

CD 1...Again

I haven't posted in some time, but there isn't much to update at this point.  Thank you for checking in while I've been absent.  Yesterday was yet another CD 1.  I calculated around 29 months of TTC now, not counting the three-ish months that I was pregnant with Baby May.

I have been struggling for some time in my faith because of this TTC journey--more than I care to admit.  I am angry that God seems to be telling me that I am not fit to parent another child, yet I see people who are obviously unable to meet the basic needs of children have one after another.  I sat in church a few weeks ago and wept while looking at the picture of Jesus on the wall.  My thoughts were crying out, "Why have you left me?" but I know that isn't the case.  I could hear it simultaneously in my heart that it is me, not Him.  I am slowly trying to turn this over to God and stop trying to control it.  It is hard for me to let go, even though I know there is absolutely nothing I can do (that I haven't already) to change my situation.  I also feel like I'm being told that it will be some time before we conceive again--possibly years.  That is a hard pill to swallow, but I know the sooner I accept it, the sooner I can feel peace.

I also realized that getting my tattoo and including a cross was absolutely the right thing for me to do.  (Let me explain...lol).  My tattoo is on my back, so I do not see it all the time.  I might forget that it is there, but I catch a glimpse of it in the mirror or in a picture and remember.  It will always be there, no matter how angry or downtrodden I am, no matter how many times I remain silent.  It is a part of me that will last longer than the life in my physical body, just as God and my faith will continue--even if I lose sight temporarily.

So, in honor of my shaken, but not absent, faith, below is a song that tells my story much better than I ever could:

And, of course, the poignant lyrics:

I cant promise you that I wont let you down
And I
I cant promise you that I will be the only one around
When your hope falls down
But were young
Open flowers in the windy fields of this war-torn world
And love
This city breathes the plague of loving things more than their Creator

I ran away
I could not take the burden of both me and you
It was too fast
Casting love on me as if it were a spell I could not break
When it was a promise I could not make

But what if I was wrong?

But hold on to what you believe in the light
When the darkness has robbed you of all your sight

And now this land
Means less and less to me without you breathing through its trees
At every turn
The water runs away from me and the halo disappears
And the hole when you're not near

So what if I was wrong?

But hold on to what you believe in the light
When the darkness has robbed you of all your sight

So hold on to what you believed in the light

10,000+ Views!

I just noticed that I have passed the 10,000 views mark.  Wow!  I am humbled that anyone would read my blog at all, but particularly that some of you would return time and again to check in with me.

Thank you so much.

Olivia

My daughter and I love the Olivia books by Ian Falconer.  My dear, dear friend gifted the first three books to my daughter about three years ago, and we have read them time and again since then.  I think the books are hilarious (as does my daughter), and Olivia's personality reminds me so much of my daughter.  Apparently there is a TV show about Olivia now and I've seen toys in the stores.  There is a good chance that birthday number five will be Olivia themed.

Last summer, we purchased some Level 1 Reader books for our daughter.  One of them is an adaption of an Olivia cartoon episode.  The other day, my daughter sounded out a word on her own, so it was clear to me that is is ready to read.  We sat down today to take a stab at the book.  Much to my amazement, my daughter was able to read many of the words on her own.  When we came upon a word that I had read to her before, she was able to remember it and read it on her own.  Before bedtime tonight, we read the book again.  This time, she was able to read entire pages on her own.

As a mother and English education major, my heart is soaring right now.  I am absolutely thrilled that my daughter is grasping reading concepts at 4.5 years old.  Even better, she is just as excited about her new skill and is hungry to learn more.

More Gluten

Yesterday, I took my daughter for a treat of frozen yogurt.  I was hyper-vigilant about keeping her away from peanuts (she is severely allergic to them), but didn't think too much about gluten for me other than the obvious toppings.  When we got home, I decided to look up the company's website on the internet and noticed they had nutritional information listed.  They have many flavors of frozen yogurt, but two contain gluten--including the one I chose.  I hoped that I would be okay, but of course that is not the case.  This morning, my rash had returned.  I haven't had a bad outbreak of it since I went off gluten a year ago.

I got in to see my doctor today to see if he wanted to do a skin biopsy.  He said that my symptoms were enough for him to give me an official diagnosis: Celiac Disease.  That may not seem like much, but I feel victorious.  To have a confirmed named for my issues is helpful to me as well as my family, as it is hereditary.

I know you were wondering just what this dermatitis herpetiformis looks like.  I took a picture to document what happened in case I couldn't get in to see the doctor before it cleared.  Keep in mind that this developed overnight and is very mild compared to what I had a year ago.  I have it on both legs and it is a raised, horribly itchy rash.  You're welcome.  LOL.

More on Celiac

Here are some facts from The University of Chicago that are applicable to me. Over and over, it is stated that infertility and miscarriage are symptoms of Celiac Disease.  For some reason, all of this is hitting me hard today.  I'm angry that my doctors didn't consider CD at any point until I brought it up.  Even then, my primary care provider was reluctant to test me for it and seemed a bit offended that I would suggest something.  He completely dismissed me when my blood test came back negative, despite my blatantly obvious DH rash.  My original OB gave me dose after dose of Clomid, unmonitored, despite the fact that all of my hormone levels were normal.

Don't get me wrong.  I'm thankful that I finally know what is going on, but it is infuriating that it took so long for anything to be done about it--and even at this point, I'm not sure if my MD would acknowledge it.  My new OB is receptive and supportive, thankfully.  I just pray that this is the key factor in getting and staying pregnant.

What is Celiac Disease?

Celiac disease is an inherited autoimmune disorder that affects the digestive process of the small intestine. The small intestine is connected to the stomach-the first parts of the small intestine, the duodenum and the jejunum, are where celiac disease is commonly found.

When a person who has celiac disease consumes gluten, a protein found in wheat, rye and barley, the individual's immune system responds by attacking the small intestine and inhibiting the absorption of important nutrients into the body.

Specifically, tiny fingerlike protrusions, called villi, on the lining of the small intestine are lost. Nutrients from food are absorbed into the bloodstream through these villi. Celiac disease can be associated to other autoimmune disorders and, undiagnosed and untreated, it can lead to osteoporosis, infertility, neurological conditions and in rare cases, cancer.

What is Dermatitis Herpetiformis?

Dermatitis herpetiformis (DH) is an itchy, blistering skin condition that is a form of celiac disease. The rash usually occurs on the elbows, knees, and buttocks and is characterized by its bilateral nature; both knees (and/or both arms) are affected, seldom just one. Many people with DH have no digestive symptoms and only about 40% of them have the positive blood tests (serology) for celiac disease: however, they almost always have the same, gluten-dependent intestinal damage as people with celiac disease.

Unless otherwise specified, the information pertaining to celiac disease also pertains to people with dermatitis herpetiformis. In addition to following a strict gluten free diet, DH is also commonly treated with a medication called Dapsone.

Additionally, celiac disease often presents with seemingly unrelated symptoms, such as fatigue, joint pain, anemia and infertility, making diagnosis that much more difficult.

Symptoms may or may not occur in the digestive system. For example, one person might have diarrhea and abdominal pain, while another person has infertility or anemia. Some people develop celiac disease as children, others as adults. Symptoms of celiac disease may include one or more of the following:

• Recurring abdominal bloating and pain
• Chronic diarrhea/constipation
• Vomiting
• Liver and biliary tract disorders ("Transaminitis," fatty liver, primary sclerosing cholangitis etc.)
• Weight loss
• Pale, foul-smelling stool
• Iron-deficiency anemia that does not respond to iron therapy
• Fatigue
• Failure to thrive or short stature
• Delayed puberty
• Pain in the joints
• Tingling numbness in the legs
• Pale sores inside the mouth
• A skin rash called dermatitis herpetiformis (DH)
• Tooth discoloration or loss of enamel
• Unexplained infertility, recurrent miscarriage
• Osteopenia (mild) or osteoporosis (more serious bone density problem)
• Peripheral Neuropathy
• Psychiatric disorders such as anxiety, depression

 Any individual who has experienced persistent miscarriage or infertility where a medical cause could not be found needs to be tested for celiac disease.