Finally

After putting my temperature in my chart this morning, I finally got crosshairs--and solid ones at that.  Unfortunately, there is no chance for pregnancy.  I'm just happy that ovulation finally happened (on its own) and that there will hopefully be an end in sight.

Crappy Chart

Last cycle, my chart was beautiful.  I'd never had such textbook temperatures in my life--not even on Clomid.  I was so excited and hopeful that it meant my body was finally getting back on track and that we could get pregnant on our own.  Now this cycle is looking like a dud.  I am currently on CD 19 with no obvious temperature shift.  In my two-year history of charting, if I was going to ovulate, I would have by now.  I don't have any of my post-ovulation symptoms, either, so I know it isn't just a charting error.

I'm very disappointed.  I have a feeling this has something to do with my gluten binge on CD 1.  I felt sorry for myself and gave into my gluten cravings.  Before that, I had been so good.  I had a spicy chicken sandwich and fries from Wendy's.  It was delicious, but it looks like I'm paying for it more than one way.

Last cycle's chart:


This cycle's chart thus far:

Happy Birthday

Today, we should be celebrating our baby's first birthday.  Instead, we will be honoring Baby May's memory.  Last year, I planted a raspberry bush and released a balloon to mark the occasion.  I just checked the bush yesterday and it is growing very nicely.  There are a couple of blooms, which means at least two berries.  :)  I want to do something symbolic again, but I'm not sure what.  My husband and I will be going to breakfast while our daughter is in preschool, so it will be nice to have a moment alone to remember.

I'm not sure how I feel.  I am swamped with finals and end-of-school-year activities, so I haven't had much time to think.  There is some hope that a year from now, things will be much different.  Then again, I look over the past 2+ years and it makes me feel exhausted and defeated.  I hadn't cried in a long time, that is, until I looked at the scrapbook page I made for Baby May.  It brought the feelings back that had somewhat dulled over time.  Our daughter is having a hard time being an only child lately.  She desperately wants a sibling and has cried about it a couple of times.  She asked why the social worker "won't let us have a baby brother or sister," so I had to explain to her that fostering/adoption is simply too hard for us right now.

One thing is certain--we will never forget Baby May.  What a huge impact you have had on us, angel baby!

"You and I now, it can be alright.  Just hold onto what we know is true.  You and I now, though it's cold inside, feel the tide turning."

Another Change in Direction

After much discussion and thought, we have decided that the foster/adoption option is not for us.  We came to the conclusion about a month ago, but decided to hold onto the information for a while.  Some of you may already know, but some not.

Our social worker made things quite difficult for us and we know that we could never live up to her expectations.  Even if we were to persevere beyond her, I'm not sure we have the kind of time available to meet all of the needs of a child from foster care.  There are physical and/or speech therapy, medical doctor, social worker, etc. appointments to be met along with arranging for visitation with birth parents.  Court dates can take up a significant amount of time, as well as continually meeting all of the requirements of the agency.

Therefore, we have begun to try on our own again.  You may have noticed my Fertilyfriend.com ticker under my other tickers.  I have my annual exam in July, so I began charting again to show my doctor and see if I need any intervention.  Thus far, things look like they are straightening out own their own.  Let's hope this is truly the case.  We will also mention to my doctor that we would like to be considered in case any of his patients are considering adoption for their babies.  That would be a private adoption, and it would be rather costly, but we will find a way if the situation presents itself.

Thank you for your continued support.  It means more than you know!

Prayer on the Radio

I set my car radio to scan (I do this often) when I couldn't find any good music playing this afternoon on my way home. I heard the word "infertility" and my ears pricked up, so I selected the station and listened. It was the Christian radio station. As soon as I stopped on their station, they said, "I just know there is a woman listening right now, struggling with infertility. Let's pray for her." They went on to ask for strength for that woman and for God to open her womb. They said they knew she was felt she was being punished and questioning herself.  I was crying in my car (and again posting this now), because it felt like they were praying for me.

Service Flag

You may have noticed that I added a new picture to my blog. It is a one star service flag in honor of my youngest brother. Today, he deploys to Afghanistan. He is in the infantry of the Marines and will be in very dangerous situations. I am afraid for him and also sad that he will have to see and do scary things while there.

The service flag will fly until he returns home--safely.

What If

What IF from Keiko Zoll on Vimeo.