ABC's

Our social worker asked us to write a letter to our future child and provide some pictures for them to see before coming to our house.  I decided to make an ABC book instead.  I'm still working on A and Q and am open to suggestions! Here are a few of the highlights:

I Lost a Subscriber :(

Something that is a little bit exciting for me is to watch the number of subscribers to my blog.  Thus far, the numbers keep going up.  However, today I noticed that I lost one.  I'm sorry if I've offended anyone, but these are my feelings here in black and white.

My last post was a vent, obviously.  Writing is cathartic to me and allows me to get everything out on "paper" so that I can go about my merry way in real life.  I am extremely grateful for the blessings I have in my life.  My husband and daughter are my world and as long as I have them, I can keep going no matter what curve ball is thrown my way.  I don't sit about the house and feel sorry for myself (generally), but this journey is a long and arduous one...and I've only just begun.  Having a safe place to discuss how I'm feeling at any particular moment helps me tremendously.  Knowing that people read what I write makes it feel worthwhile to put out there.  So, hang in there with me.  I'm not perfect and I have my bad days.  I'm sure I'm not the only one. :)

One Step Back

Maybe today isn't really a step back, but I'm feeling angry.  I'm angry that we lost our baby well over a year ago.  I'm angry that (nearly) everyone else can get and stay pregnant.  I'm angry that I probably caused my own miscarriage, but had no idea that I was harming my unborn child.  I'm angry that I said, "I'll never do this again," when I felt the first waves of morning sickness.  (Two days later, I miscarried).  I'm angry that I'll probably never feel a baby kick or experience birth again.  I'm angry that I'll probably never get the chance to attempt nursing again.  I'm angry that we'll probably never have a son who looks just like his daddy.  I'm angry that the only way we are going to be able to build our family is through adoption.  I'm angry that in order to adopt, we have to jump through hoops and cut through red tape.  I'm angry that a child we become attached to may end up back with their abusive/negligent birth parents, despite everything we've already been through.

I don't always feel this way and I haven't even been sad lately.  My feelings do not diminish my desire to adopt.  However, today is hard.  I suppose I'm still bouncing around in the stages of grief.

Blog Award!

I just received a comment that I have been recognized as "Stylish Blogger" by the author of All You Knew Was Love.  Click on the link to visit her blog!  

There four rules that go along with this lovely honor:
1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you this award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 15 recently discovered great bloggers.
4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award!

Seven things about myself: 

1. I sing, both in a choir and as a soloist.
2. I'm not a very good housekeeper, but I'm working on it.
3. I'm majoring in English Education.
4. I'm almost always cold.
5. I still crave foods with gluten and have slipped up a few times (on purpose).
6. I love a good deal.  I almost always shop around to get the best price.
7. I had a difficult time coming up with random facts about myself!

A Big Purchase

I've been contemplating buying a crib for some time now.  While our social worker makes it seem like three-ish months is a long time to become licensed, I think it isn't much time at all to prepare.  (Not that I'm complaining; I just need to get moving!)  Yesterday, I found a crib at Target on clearance.  They only had one left, so I asked if I could purchase it and then pick it up today.  They said they didn't hold things, so I tried to think of a way to take it with me.  It certainly wasn't going to fit in my car.  My mom's car is smaller than mine, so that was out.  My husband (and the truck) were at home, 30 minutes away.  Then, I remembered that my brother has an SUV, so I called him.  Thankfully, I was able to get it.  It still isn't at our house yet, because my husband will have to get it from my brother's house tomorrow morning when he gets off work.  I can't wait to get it put together!!

This is the crib:

...and this is the fabric I have picked out to make the quilt, bed skirt, and curtains.

Our Family Through a Child's Eyes

The class we are going through to be eligible to adopt stresses the importance of the entire family's participation--including the existing children.  My daughter was asked to draw a picture of her family, including the new sibling she hoped to get.  This is what she drew:

The red person is my daughter, the tall person in the middle is my husband, and the other tall, blue person is me.  She hopes to get a baby brother or sister, so the baby is pictured in the lower left-hand corner, appropriately, lying down.

Plowing Through

At this point, I've made my way through nearly all of the paperwork.  Unfortunately, some of the questions have unearthed some demons I would have rather forgotten.  I know it is necessary for the process, though.  I've made a list of the things we have to do to the house before our home visit.  Thankfully, it isn't terribly long.  I've read about half of the first of six books.  I waver between being so excited that I can't stand it and asking myself what in the blue blazes are we getting ourselves in to.

I'm going to attempt to focus on the positive during this whole process, which is going to be hard.  It is scary to hear the stories, but I have to remain steadfast in our desire.  I'm doing a lot of praying and positive visualization.  I hope to be able to keep it up!  All of your support means more than  you know!