CD 1...Again

I haven't posted in some time, but there isn't much to update at this point.  Thank you for checking in while I've been absent.  Yesterday was yet another CD 1.  I calculated around 29 months of TTC now, not counting the three-ish months that I was pregnant with Baby May.

I have been struggling for some time in my faith because of this TTC journey--more than I care to admit.  I am angry that God seems to be telling me that I am not fit to parent another child, yet I see people who are obviously unable to meet the basic needs of children have one after another.  I sat in church a few weeks ago and wept while looking at the picture of Jesus on the wall.  My thoughts were crying out, "Why have you left me?" but I know that isn't the case.  I could hear it simultaneously in my heart that it is me, not Him.  I am slowly trying to turn this over to God and stop trying to control it.  It is hard for me to let go, even though I know there is absolutely nothing I can do (that I haven't already) to change my situation.  I also feel like I'm being told that it will be some time before we conceive again--possibly years.  That is a hard pill to swallow, but I know the sooner I accept it, the sooner I can feel peace.

I also realized that getting my tattoo and including a cross was absolutely the right thing for me to do.  (Let me explain...lol).  My tattoo is on my back, so I do not see it all the time.  I might forget that it is there, but I catch a glimpse of it in the mirror or in a picture and remember.  It will always be there, no matter how angry or downtrodden I am, no matter how many times I remain silent.  It is a part of me that will last longer than the life in my physical body, just as God and my faith will continue--even if I lose sight temporarily.

So, in honor of my shaken, but not absent, faith, below is a song that tells my story much better than I ever could:

And, of course, the poignant lyrics:

I cant promise you that I wont let you down
And I
I cant promise you that I will be the only one around
When your hope falls down
But were young
Open flowers in the windy fields of this war-torn world
And love
This city breathes the plague of loving things more than their Creator

I ran away
I could not take the burden of both me and you
It was too fast
Casting love on me as if it were a spell I could not break
When it was a promise I could not make

But what if I was wrong?

But hold on to what you believe in the light
When the darkness has robbed you of all your sight

And now this land
Means less and less to me without you breathing through its trees
At every turn
The water runs away from me and the halo disappears
And the hole when you're not near

So what if I was wrong?

But hold on to what you believe in the light
When the darkness has robbed you of all your sight

So hold on to what you believed in the light