Clear As Mud

01/28/2012 Thankfulness

2012-01-28T19:08:00.002-06:00

1. I'm thankful that I kept my appointment at our local cancer center for a free skin cancer screening. Unexpectedly, the doctor found an area that is on its way to becoming cancerous. I should be able to to have it frozen off or treated with a topical chemotherapy and be okay. However, the doctor wants me to wear long sleeves with SPF protection while I work in the sun from now on.

2. I am thankful for my husband's ability to make me laugh no matter what.

3. I am thankful for a restful weekend.

01/27/2012 Thankful List

2012-01-27T21:44:00.003-06:00

1. I am thankful for a lovely, unexpected dinner with my grandparents.
2. I am thankful for the quiet afternoon and evening at home with my daughter.
3. I am thankful for my husband's job. I am so proud of him and it makes me happy to see him light up with pure glee when he gets to do something cool.

While I Wait

2012-01-26T20:21:00.001-06:00

For now, there are no updates on our fertility issues. We are waiting until my cycle that begins in March to start my last shot at Clomid. I'm busy with school, so time is ticking by, but I still anticipate the day we can begin again, officially.

In the mean time, I have decided to post three things I am thankful for each day. I need to remain positive, so this will help.

1. I am thankful for lunch with my mom, husband, and daughter.
2. I am thankful for a much, much lighter load this semester
3. I am thankful for invigorating discussions with intelligent people who share my interests.

New Cycle

2012-01-15T16:42:00.001-06:00

Today, I am beginning a new cycle. My past one was 33 days, which has been (more or less) average for some time. If my cycles keep at this pace, I am two away from beginning Clomid again. If get pregnant right away (Ha! What a novel concept!), I would be due around Christmas. We'll take anything we can get, of course.

Onward and upward.

Back from OB/GYN

2012-01-10T23:10:00.000-06:00

My annual appointment went exactly as I could have hoped. I told him that I have been officially diagnosed with Celiac disease and provided him with a list of my cycle lengths since going gluten-free. He said that it appears (as I suspected) that I am ovulating about half of the time. That isn't great, but it is much better than it used to be. Therefore, I will be starting Clomid at 100 mg in two cycles. I will also take Mucinex during ovulation to help with any drying of CM that usually occurs with Clomid (at least for me). He said his buddies who specialize in infertility recommend Mucinex, which sounds kind of funny, but that's good enough for me.

He said he still believes I am a good candidate for Clomid therapy, particularly since I ovulated while taking it even before the Celiac disease diagnosis.

I'm praying for a drug-induced miracle. The next twelve months will be our last shot to conceive (and hopefully deliver) a child.

Dream

2011-12-28T12:02:00.002-06:00

Last night, I dreamed that I was pregnant. I was in the hospital being checked (probably because I was worried about something), but the doctors all said I was fine. I wished that my belly was bigger so that people could tell I was pregnant because I was so very thrilled. I stood by a window with my hands on my belly and prayed that the baby would be born healthy. I vividly felt the baby moving and remember thinking how thankful I was to be able to feel movement like that again.

I hope I get to experience the flutterings for real someday soon!

Appointment Scheduled

2011-12-27T12:24:00.003-06:00

Last week, I scheduled my overdue annual exam with my OB/GYN for January 10th. I hope that he will be proactive and receptive to my thoughts, particularly concerning Celiac disease. It seems that people with CD often have vitamin deficiencies, so I hope to get some testing to confirm/deny any in me. My dentist thinks that I am deficient in some vitamin or other need, as my gums bleed easily despite them being very healthy.

About a year ago, my doctor and I discussed the possibility of being referred to a Reproductive Endocrinologist. I'm hoping that my doctor will feel confident that my issues can be taken care of in his office, as the nearest RE is 1.5 hours from here and I'm not sure how much of a specialist, if any, would be covered by insurance.

I hope that my next update is full of excitement and anticipation!

Wishy-Washy

2011-12-13T15:36:00.006-06:00

I think I can officially say that we will not be pursuing adoption again until after I graduate in December 2012. I feel mostly at peace with it right now, which is really all I can ask at this point.

In the meantime, we'll probably go back to TTC in a couple of months. I need to have my annual exam (still) and at that time, we'll discuss using fertility meds again. I imagine I'll be on Clomid again since my cycles are still all over the place, despite being gluten-free for over a year. We will wait until March-ish so that if there is a chance for me to get pregnant, I wouldn't be due until after I graduate.

Despite going back and forth on plans and feelings, I feel strangely content with everything right now. Our daughter is very independent and relatively easy. Adding a new baby to the mix while I try to finish school would make things much more difficult. I haven't given up hope that we will have another baby someday soon, whether it be biologically or through adoption, but I feel okay with the waiting...for today. :)

Reminder

2011-12-09T22:37:00.001-06:00

Another Delay

2011-12-03T10:50:00.001-06:00

Unfortunately, being an adult means making difficult decisions. With the way things are going, it looks like our plans to adopt will be put on hold until I graduate...a year from now.

We've been a one-income family for five years and have steadily been doing better, financially. My husband had a part-time job that helped pick up the slack more than we knew--until that job was no more. He worked part-time on his days off from his full-time job. His part-time employer, however, decided to hire another full-time person, which essentially eliminated the need for part-time help. He still gets on-call time, but that pays a whopping $1/hour unless he gets called out to work.

Therefore, in the past several months, we've literally been living paycheck to paycheck and, most of the time, just short of it. Yesterday, we had to move some money around to get through the weekend. On my drive home from school, while processing the reality of our situation, I realized that adoption is going to have to go on the back burner.

Even if someone were to write us a check for all of the adoption costs, no birth mother is going to choose us due to our lack of financial stability at this point. A lawyer probably wouldn't allow us to go through the process.

I'm very, very sad about this. I feel like it is all my fault since I am in school, which prevents me from working. (Or, I could get a part-time job and never see my family). There aren't many jobs that are willing to work around my husband's schedule for part-time hours (for him OR me).

I don't know where to go from here. Maybe we aren't meant to have any other children at all.

Christmas Break

2011-11-27T10:11:00.001-06:00

Christmas break is a mere two and a half weeks away. I'm anxiously awaiting my month off from school for many reasons, including the obvious month off from school. This semester has tried my patience and my ability to keep up on things more than I would prefer. Thankfully, next semester will be a lighter load and my last as an in-class college student (for now, anyway). The following semester will be spent student-teaching, which means that I will be graduating a year from now. (WWWWWOOOOOOOTTTTT!)

Another big reason I'm anticipating the break is because a lot of that time will be devoted to getting serious about a private adoption. We will be contacting lawyers who specialize in private adoptions, working on the house to get it home-visit ready, finishing the crib set, and putting together our adoption portfolio. It seems scary right now, but I know everything we've gone through and have yet to experience will be more than worth it when we hold our child.

I may not have any updates between now and mid-December due to final projects and prepping for tests, but I'm sure I will be blogging rapidly during Christmas break.

Hang on...this may be a bumpy ride!

Another Loss

2011-11-24T23:51:00.001-06:00

A couple of weeks ago, after some greatly extended bleeding, I had a realization--I had another miscarriage. This time, it had to have been too early to know, which is a blessing, if there is one to be had in this situation.

I have been mostly numb about it--no real feelings either way. I had a few misty-eyed moments, but I've handled it fairly well. I'm choosing to believe that it is yet another sign that we are meant to adopt.

Christmas Letter (password protected)

2011-11-24T22:53:00.001-06:00

Show encrypted text

God: "In Case You Didn't Hear Me..."

2011-10-26T22:22:00.003-06:00

In the last week or so, I have been inundated by all things adoption.

First, I contacted a pregnancy crisis center that also facilitates private adoptions. We have their initial application sitting on our dining room table now. They charge $500 for their processing fee, which I thought was reasonable, considering others we have researched.

After posting a happy status on Facebook regarding our newfound information, I was contacted by three people with additional resources and/or advice. One lady recently adopted and is a wealth of knowledge and contacts. She knows of a couple of lawyers in a nearby city who do not charge to be on their "list," and another who charges $250. She also had some great tips on how to navigate the system and offered to help in anyway she can. Another has worked with various lawyers and is happy to help. Yet another offered the name of a person who has helped with adoptions and is gathering more information for us. Also, my mom may have found a company that will match up to $2500 for us if we do a fund-raiser.

In the last two days, I attended a leadership training course. I talked to one person about our desire to adopt and he pointed me toward the president of the organization who adopted two of his children. I'm going to email him and get his perspective on things.

Tonight, I talked to someone to get ideas about fund-raising and she is going to dream up some things for us. We were also told that we have access to a personal loan if a situation comes out of the blue before we have funds secured.

In sum, I think it is very clear that we are to adopt. I don't think God could be any clearer in what His purpose is for us if He were standing in front of us, yelling. And maybe He is.

So, in the next few months, we will be gathering information and resources and setting up a real game-plan. We will figure out the best people to sign up with and then start to gather/raise funds. A private adoption will cost us about $6000, so we have an uphill battle in that aspect. I know that things will fall into place if this is truly what we are meant to do, though, so I'm trying not to worry too much about the money.

Please respond with any ideas that you may have. We can use all the help we can get and any and all ideas will be greatly appreciated. Thank you!

October 15

2011-10-15T18:21:00.001-06:00

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. I lit my candle twenty-one minutes ago in honor of Baby May.

Research

2011-10-11T21:09:00.000-06:00

I subscribe to a newsletter published by www.celiac.com. One of the articles in their newest newsletter discussed research on infertility related to Celiac disease. The research wasn't conclusive, but it gave me a bit of hope. Two statements jumped out at me amid the medical jargon: Women who experience CD-related infertility tend to experience 1) increased infertility in the two years leading up to diagnosis and 2) increased fertility in the five years post-diagnosis--as in, fertility beyond that of women without CD. Obviously the second half of the statement hasn't come to fruition for me, but it does give me something.

In other news, I am currently at CD 20. If my body is working correctly, AF should show soon. I'm hoping that if I am not pregnant, I at least get some closure sooner this cycle than last.

This was our last cycle actively TTC until late March or April. I will be student teaching in the fall and it wouldn't be prudent to give birth in the middle of that semester. March would give us a December baby...right around graduation. Again, I'm NOT holding my breath.

Small Update

2011-10-03T19:32:00.002-06:00

This time of year is difficult for me. The two year anniversary of the loss of our baby because of my Celiac disease is rapidly approaching...on my birthday. Last night, I cried myself to sleep thinking about our baby and the terrible time we've had TTC for the past three years. I prayed that I either can feel peace in never having another child or reassurance and patience that we WILL have another. This afternoon, we went to my mom's for lunch. Someone asked her if we still want to adopt. She said that we certainly do, so the lady mailed her a pamphlet to give me. It is for an organization that helps pregnant women make decisions about abortion, adoption, or keeping their baby. They also help to facilitate private adoptions. I sent them an email right away to get more info about becoming a potential adoptive family. I don't know if this is supposed to be a sign or answer to my prayer, but I will take what I can get at this point!

Daughter

2011-08-21T23:00:00.002-06:00

And he said to her, “Daughter, your faith has made you well; go in peace, and be healed of your disease.”

Today was my university's opening church service. The message by the pastor was centered around this verse. It struck me and brought tears to my eyes. The woman in the story suffered for twelve years and was miraculously healed because of her faith.

My husband and I decided to try for a baby on our own again seriously this cycle. My last cycle was text-book, which is fantastic for me. If we were somehow able to get pregnant, we would be due in May. An early summer baby would be perfect so that I could have three months at home before student teaching in the fall and not "interfere" much with the spring semester. Of course, "the best laid schemes of mice and men / Go oft awry." We'll give it our best shot and have faith that we will be holding another baby of our own soon. I can't wait. The hubs can't wait. Our daughter can't wait.
I must have faith.

Being Thrust Back Into Adoption

2011-08-13T20:12:00.000-06:00

Last week, we unexpectedly received a phone call from a lawyer we know well. He said that he know of a potential private adoption for us, but it didn't sound like it would come to fruition However, he asked if we were interested in private adoption. I told him that we are, and he said that there are cases that come in to him with some frequency. He said he would let us know if he hears of something that sounds like it has potential. The same day, a friend told me of another potential private adoption situation. Two days later, another friend told me about another potential situation!

We have had a few situations come up before and obviously nothing came of them. I don't know if anything will happen with the two specific babies that we know of at the moment, but it certainly feels like this is what God is telling us we will do. Unlike trying to get pregnant month after month, year after year, every new adoption possibility gives me hope that we will bring home a baby someday soon.

2011-07-14T23:17:00.000-06:00

I am taking two classes this summer (Spanish I followed by Spanish II). This afternoon, I did not want to go to class. I was feeling rather blue after writing my last blog post and came very close to skipping class. I decided to go to school after all and headed to town. I have a 30 minute drive from home to school and it is sort of my self-therapy time. Sometimes I blare music, I've cried a few times, etc., but I mostly use the time to think. Today, I continued to think about my last post, particularly the bit about my tattoo and its unintentional significance (besides everything else it represents.) I suddenly had a realization. Of course my tattoo is on my back. We all have our crosses to bear and this, THIS is my cross--both literally and figuratively. I don't understand why I've been chosen for this particular mission, especially since I a few other things in my current or past life that are dark and traumatic. However, this is it. This is me. Do with me what you will, Lord. Just throw me a bone every now and then, okay?

CD 1...Again

2011-07-14T10:15:00.002-06:00

I haven't posted in some time, but there isn't much to update at this point. Thank you for checking in while I've been absent. Yesterday was yet another CD 1. I calculated around 29 months of TTC now, not counting the three-ish months that I was pregnant with Baby May.

I have been struggling for some time in my faith because of this TTC journey--more than I care to admit. I am angry that God seems to be telling me that I am not fit to parent another child, yet I see people who are obviously unable to meet the basic needs of children have one after another. I sat in church a few weeks ago and wept while looking at the picture of Jesus on the wall. My thoughts were crying out, "Why have you left me?" but I know that isn't the case. I could hear it simultaneously in my heart that it is me, not Him. I am slowly trying to turn this over to God and stop trying to control it. It is hard for me to let go, even though I know there is absolutely nothing I can do (that I haven't already) to change my situation. I also feel like I'm being told that it will be some time before we conceive again--possibly years. That is a hard pill to swallow, but I know the sooner I accept it, the sooner I can feel peace.

I also realized that getting my tattoo and including a cross was absolutely the right thing for me to do. (Let me explain...lol). My tattoo is on my back, so I do not see it all the time. I might forget that it is there, but I catch a glimpse of it in the mirror or in a picture and remember. It will always be there, no matter how angry or downtrodden I am, no matter how many times I remain silent. It is a part of me that will last longer than the life in my physical body, just as God and my faith will continue--even if I lose sight temporarily.

So, in honor of my shaken, but not absent, faith, below is a song that tells my story much better than I ever could:

And, of course, the poignant lyrics:

I cant promise you that I wont let you down
And I
I cant promise you that I will be the only one around
When your hope falls down
But were young
Open flowers in the windy fields of this war-torn world
And love
This city breathes the plague of loving things more than their Creator

I ran away
I could not take the burden of both me and you
It was too fast
Casting love on me as if it were a spell I could not break
When it was a promise I could not make

But what if I was wrong?

But hold on to what you believe in the light
When the darkness has robbed you of all your sight

And now this land
Means less and less to me without you breathing through its trees
At every turn
The water runs away from me and the halo disappears
And the hole when you're not near

So what if I was wrong?

But hold on to what you believe in the light
When the darkness has robbed you of all your sight

So hold on to what you believed in the light

10,000+ Views!

2011-06-10T20:59:00.000-06:00

I just noticed that I have passed the 10,000 views mark. Wow! I am humbled that anyone would read my blog at all, but particularly that some of you would return time and again to check in with me.

Thank you so much.

Olivia

2011-06-04T20:11:00.000-06:00

My daughter and I love the Olivia books by Ian Falconer. My dear, dear friend gifted the first three books to my daughter about three years ago, and we have read them time and again since then. I think the books are hilarious (as does my daughter), and Olivia's personality reminds me so much of my daughter. Apparently there is a TV show about Olivia now and I've seen toys in the stores. There is a good chance that birthday number five will be Olivia themed.

Last summer, we purchased some Level 1 Reader books for our daughter. One of them is an adaption of an Olivia cartoon episode. The other day, my daughter sounded out a word on her own, so it was clear to me that is is ready to read. We sat down today to take a stab at the book. Much to my amazement, my daughter was able to read many of the words on her own. When we came upon a word that I had read to her before, she was able to remember it and read it on her own. Before bedtime tonight, we read the book again. This time, she was able to read entire pages on her own.

As a mother and English education major, my heart is soaring right now. I am absolutely thrilled that my daughter is grasping reading concepts at 4.5 years old. Even better, she is just as excited about her new skill and is hungry to learn more.

More Gluten

2011-06-02T21:44:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, I took my daughter for a treat of frozen yogurt. I was hyper-vigilant about keeping her away from peanuts (she is severely allergic to them), but didn't think too much about gluten for me other than the obvious toppings. When we got home, I decided to look up the company's website on the internet and noticed they had nutritional information listed. They have many flavors of frozen yogurt, but two contain gluten--including the one I chose. I hoped that I would be okay, but of course that is not the case. This morning, my rash had returned. I haven't had a bad outbreak of it since I went off gluten a year ago.

I got in to see my doctor today to see if he wanted to do a skin biopsy. He said that my symptoms were enough for him to give me an official diagnosis: Celiac Disease. That may not seem like much, but I feel victorious. To have a confirmed named for my issues is helpful to me as well as my family, as it is hereditary.

I know you were wondering just what this dermatitis herpetiformis looks like. I took a picture to document what happened in case I couldn't get in to see the doctor before it cleared. Keep in mind that this developed overnight and is very mild compared to what I had a year ago. I have it on both legs and it is a raised, horribly itchy rash. You're welcome. LOL.

More on Celiac

2011-05-23T10:46:00.000-06:00

Here are some facts from The University of Chicago that are applicable to me. Over and over, it is stated that infertility and miscarriage are symptoms of Celiac Disease. For some reason, all of this is hitting me hard today. I'm angry that my doctors didn't consider CD at any point until I brought it up. Even then, my primary care provider was reluctant to test me for it and seemed a bit offended that I would suggest something. He completely dismissed me when my blood test came back negative, despite my blatantly obvious DH rash. My original OB gave me dose after dose of Clomid, unmonitored, despite the fact that all of my hormone levels were normal.

Don't get me wrong. I'm thankful that I finally know what is going on, but it is infuriating that it took so long for anything to be done about it--and even at this point, I'm not sure if my MD would acknowledge it. My new OB is receptive and supportive, thankfully. I just pray that this is the key factor in getting and staying pregnant.

What is Celiac Disease?

Celiac disease is an inherited autoimmune disorder that affects the digestive process of the small intestine. The small intestine is connected to the stomach-the first parts of the small intestine, the duodenum and the jejunum, are where celiac disease is commonly found.

When a person who has celiac disease consumes gluten, a protein found in wheat, rye and barley, the individual's immune system responds by attacking the small intestine and inhibiting the absorption of important nutrients into the body.

Specifically, tiny fingerlike protrusions, called villi, on the lining of the small intestine are lost. Nutrients from food are absorbed into the bloodstream through these villi. Celiac disease can be associated to other autoimmune disorders and, undiagnosed and untreated, it can lead to osteoporosis, infertility, neurological conditions and in rare cases, cancer.

What is Dermatitis Herpetiformis?

Dermatitis herpetiformis (DH) is an itchy, blistering skin condition that is a form of celiac disease. The rash usually occurs on the elbows, knees, and buttocks and is characterized by its bilateral nature; both knees (and/or both arms) are affected, seldom just one. Many people with DH have no digestive symptoms and only about 40% of them have the positive blood tests (serology) for celiac disease: however, they almost always have the same, gluten-dependent intestinal damage as people with celiac disease.

Unless otherwise specified, the information pertaining to celiac disease also pertains to people with dermatitis herpetiformis. In addition to following a strict gluten free diet, DH is also commonly treated with a medication called Dapsone.

Additionally, celiac disease often presents with seemingly unrelated symptoms, such as fatigue, joint pain, anemia and infertility, making diagnosis that much more difficult.

Symptoms may or may not occur in the digestive system. For example, one person might have diarrhea and abdominal pain, while another person has infertility or anemia. Some people develop celiac disease as children, others as adults. Symptoms of celiac disease may include one or more of the following:

Recurring abdominal bloating and pain
Chronic diarrhea/constipation
Vomiting
Liver and biliary tract disorders ("Transaminitis," fatty liver, primary sclerosing cholangitis etc.)
Weight loss
Pale, foul-smelling stool
Iron-deficiency anemia that does not respond to iron therapy
Fatigue
Failure to thrive or short stature
Delayed puberty
Pain in the joints
Tingling numbness in the legs
Pale sores inside the mouth
A skin rash called dermatitis herpetiformis (DH)
Tooth discoloration or loss of enamel
Unexplained infertility, recurrent miscarriage
Osteopenia (mild) or osteoporosis (more serious bone density problem)
Peripheral Neuropathy
Psychiatric disorders such as anxiety, depression

Any individual who has experienced persistent miscarriage or infertility where a medical cause could not be found needs to be tested for celiac disease.

Finally

2011-05-21T09:23:00.000-06:00

After putting my temperature in my chart this morning, I finally got crosshairs--and solid ones at that. Unfortunately, there is no chance for pregnancy. I'm just happy that ovulation finally happened (on its own) and that there will hopefully be an end in sight.

Crappy Chart

2011-05-14T13:07:00.001-06:00

Last cycle, my chart was beautiful. I'd never had such textbook temperatures in my life--not even on Clomid. I was so excited and hopeful that it meant my body was finally getting back on track and that we could get pregnant on our own. Now this cycle is looking like a dud. I am currently on CD 19 with no obvious temperature shift. In my two-year history of charting, if I was going to ovulate, I would have by now. I don't have any of my post-ovulation symptoms, either, so I know it isn't just a charting error.

I'm very disappointed. I have a feeling this has something to do with my gluten binge on CD 1. I felt sorry for myself and gave into my gluten cravings. Before that, I had been so good. I had a spicy chicken sandwich and fries from Wendy's. It was delicious, but it looks like I'm paying for it more than one way.

Last cycle's chart:

This cycle's chart thus far:

Happy Birthday

2011-05-11T23:43:00.000-06:00

Today, we should be celebrating our baby's first birthday. Instead, we will be honoring Baby May's memory. Last year, I planted a raspberry bush and released a balloon to mark the occasion. I just checked the bush yesterday and it is growing very nicely. There are a couple of blooms, which means at least two berries. :) I want to do something symbolic again, but I'm not sure what. My husband and I will be going to breakfast while our daughter is in preschool, so it will be nice to have a moment alone to remember.

I'm not sure how I feel. I am swamped with finals and end-of-school-year activities, so I haven't had much time to think. There is some hope that a year from now, things will be much different. Then again, I look over the past 2+ years and it makes me feel exhausted and defeated. I hadn't cried in a long time, that is, until I looked at the scrapbook page I made for Baby May. It brought the feelings back that had somewhat dulled over time. Our daughter is having a hard time being an only child lately. She desperately wants a sibling and has cried about it a couple of times. She asked why the social worker "won't let us have a baby brother or sister," so I had to explain to her that fostering/adoption is simply too hard for us right now.

One thing is certain--we will never forget Baby May. What a huge impact you have had on us, angel baby!

"You and I now, it can be alright. Just hold onto what we know is true. You and I now, though it's cold inside, feel the tide turning."

Another Change in Direction

2011-05-07T14:45:00.000-06:00

After much discussion and thought, we have decided that the foster/adoption option is not for us. We came to the conclusion about a month ago, but decided to hold onto the information for a while. Some of you may already know, but some not.

Our social worker made things quite difficult for us and we know that we could never live up to her expectations. Even if we were to persevere beyond her, I'm not sure we have the kind of time available to meet all of the needs of a child from foster care. There are physical and/or speech therapy, medical doctor, social worker, etc. appointments to be met along with arranging for visitation with birth parents. Court dates can take up a significant amount of time, as well as continually meeting all of the requirements of the agency.

Therefore, we have begun to try on our own again. You may have noticed my Fertilyfriend.com ticker under my other tickers. I have my annual exam in July, so I began charting again to show my doctor and see if I need any intervention. Thus far, things look like they are straightening out own their own. Let's hope this is truly the case. We will also mention to my doctor that we would like to be considered in case any of his patients are considering adoption for their babies. That would be a private adoption, and it would be rather costly, but we will find a way if the situation presents itself.

Thank you for your continued support. It means more than you know!

Prayer on the Radio

2011-04-14T15:49:00.000-06:00

I set my car radio to scan (I do this often) when I couldn't find any good music playing this afternoon on my way home. I heard the word "infertility" and my ears pricked up, so I selected the station and listened. It was the Christian radio station. As soon as I stopped on their station, they said, "I just know there is a woman listening right now, struggling with infertility. Let's pray for her." They went on to ask for strength for that woman and for God to open her womb. They said they knew she was felt she was being punished and questioning herself. I was crying in my car (and again posting this now), because it felt like they were praying for me.

Service Flag

2011-04-08T09:25:00.000-06:00

You may have noticed that I added a new picture to my blog. It is a one star service flag in honor of my youngest brother. Today, he deploys to Afghanistan. He is in the infantry of the Marines and will be in very dangerous situations. I am afraid for him and also sad that he will have to see and do scary things while there.

The service flag will fly until he returns home--safely.

What If

2011-04-06T20:26:00.001-06:00

What IF from Keiko Zoll on Vimeo.

On This Day, God Wants You to Know

2011-03-21T15:09:00.002-06:00

I know these things are totally random and can probably apply to just about anyone, but they always seem to hit home for me. This was mine for today:

On this day, God wants you to know

... that decision is only wishful thinking until you take that first irreversible step. You can tell yourself that you have already decided, that nothing now can stop you, but if that step backwards is so much safer than step forwards, what will hold you true to your path when the going gets tough? Sometimes, the right thing to do is to take that first irreversible step, the one after which you cannot go back. And now, for you, is one of those times.

Pressing On

2011-03-21T14:50:00.000-06:00

My heart still isn't completely in it, but I am resolving to finish everything in our paperwork this week. I am getting my TB test injection later this afternoon. The only thing I won't have completed will be first aid certification, but the next class will not be until mid-April, so there isn't much I can do about it.

I've taken a bit of a deep breath over the porch situation. I surveyed people's porches as I drove through our town yesterday, and well over half of them do not have any type of railing around them. One of them is a state-licensed daycare (ie: their house also has to be licensed by the health department) and their porch is just as high off the ground as ours. We will install handrails, probably sometime this week, but I'm no longer going to panic about the rest of the porch. We still want to get it finished soon, but we will shop around to get the best deal.

Nothing New

2011-03-14T20:25:00.001-06:00

I haven't been able to bring myself to do any more about adoption. I'm still feel pretty bummed about it and doing paperwork or something else related just makes me feel more disappointed--like all the work may be in vain. I'm probably just being whiny, but it is a tough place to be. I hope to find a glimmer of hope somewhere soon.

Our social worker will be making another visit on March 31.

Sour Grapes

2011-03-08T14:23:00.002-06:00

From Grapes of Wrath: “Strange things happen . . . some bitterly cruel and some so beautiful that faith is refired forever.”

I'm waiting on my faith the be 'refired forever' right now. I haven't felt motivated to work on the baby bedding or do much else related to adoption since our last visit. It just depresses me at this point. I hate what this whole mess (from the beginning with IF) has done to my faith. I try to be positive and hopeful, but we just keep getting kicked in the teeth.

Roadblock

2011-03-03T19:05:00.000-06:00

What a day. Our social worker came to visit us again today to do a 22-page survey. Before she even stepped on the porch, she told us that we will need to have the construction completed before the health department comes to the house. Our porch has been a long ongoing ordeal, which is a headache in itself. Right now, it is a concrete slab with steps, but the flatwork was poorly done, so we've been attempting to get things straightened out before completing the work. No contractors were willing to come out in the dead of winter that we are just coming out of, so it has been sitting unfinished. Last time our social worker came to our house, she didn't mention anything about the porch. She also indicated that the house wouldn't have to be perfect, but that is now not the case. She assured us that the health department inspector was very nice and willing to work with us. Now, it sounds that she is completely the opposite. Everything will have to be perfect, or else we may not be licensed.

I'm feeling very frustrated and want to throw in the towel right now. I can't imagine that we'll be able to get quotes and then someone out to do the job right away. I don't want it just thrown together to have it done. I want it to be a porch that will last for the life of the house. Everything seemed to be going well and now...

::sigh:: Expletive, expletive, expletive.

Refreshing Inspiration

2011-02-25T15:34:00.002-06:00

This afternoon, my advisor asked how our adoption process is going. I shared with her that I have been frustrated that everything has to be so difficult, but we are pushing through. I also told her about my hope, coupled with worry about being able to adopt a tiny baby. She gave me this quote by the American mythologist, Joseph Campbell. She said she wanted me to have it and share with my husband, because she knows that when people get wrapped up in the details and red tape of major life events, sometimes it is hard to stay inspired. So true. I thought it was very timely and poignant.

"Follow your bliss.
If you do follow your bliss,
you put yourself on a kind of track
that has been there all the while waiting for you,
and the life you ought to be living
is the one you are living.
When you can see that,
you begin to meet people
who are in the field of your bliss,
and they open the doors to you.
I say, follow your bliss and don't be afraid,
and doors will open
where you didn't know they were going to be.
If you follow your bliss,
doors will open for you that wouldn't have opened for anyone else."

Our Final Class!

2011-02-20T22:12:00.000-06:00

Today was our last foster/adopt class! We still have several steps to complete before we are licensed, including having our home certified by the health department, having a TB test, and finishing a bit of paperwork. Our social worker will make another visit to our house in a week and a half to go over a home study survey. It seems surreal that we have made it to this point. I remember being so anxious to begin our class like it was yesterday.

Our daughter showed me just how excited she is to have a sibling yesterday. I took her to Build-A-Bear for the first time (something she has been anticipating for some time). She chose a bear and told me that she wanted to make it for her "new baby brother or baby sister." She told the lady who put the stuffing in, also. She put two hearts in the bear--one for her, and one for her future sibling and kissed them before putting them in. I almost cried in the store, it was so sweet.

House Work

2011-02-12T18:19:00.001-06:00

Today, my family spent the day working on our house. Our basement was a disaster, but it is almost completely cleaned out now. We also installed the carbon monoxide detectors and moved the smoke detectors. (We had one in the hallway between our room and our daughter's, but the health department says that there has to be one in each bedroom). Tomorrow, my step-dad will be replacing a couple of outlets. The only thing left to get ready will then be our backyard. We currently have a pond, but it leaks and is more of a pain than it is worth. We will be removing it and cleaning up a few other things.

I got the baby items I ordered in the mail a couple of days ago from www.thredup.com. I have enough crib sheets now to last forever. I love the carrier/wrap that I ordered. If we get a baby who is older than a newborn, they may need to be held consistently for comfort and bonding (more than usual), so it will be very nice to be able to hold the baby and have use of both hands at the same time.

Tomorrow, I will finish the bedding for the crib.

It almost feels like this is real and going to happen soon! :)

Quote

2011-02-10T22:40:00.000-06:00

This quote means a lot to me in more than one way:

Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother (or father).
-Oprah Winfrey

More Baby Purchases :)

2011-02-09T21:50:00.000-06:00

I have a baby monitor, crib sheets, a baby wrap/carrier, and sleep sack on the way. I also bought a mattress for the crib today. This weekend, I'll be completing the crib set.

This isn't much of a post, but I'm too excited not to share.

Walk-Through

2011-02-06T22:05:00.001-06:00

Today, our social worker did an informal walk-through on our house. She was looking for potential safety issues that would cause a delay when we have our official home study done by the state. I was very concerned about having her come over, because I am not the world's greatest housekeeper. She was supposed to come last week, but I asked her to wait because I was gone all week and had no chance to pick things up. This week was a little less hectic, but I still didn't get everything spotless. She was very nice about it and said it isn't necessary for the house to pass a white-glove test. We still need to put child locks on the cabinets, change out a couple of outlets, and install the CO detectors. There are some other house-keeping issues that I want to get taken care of, but we will have a few weeks to a month and a half to get them completed.

We are also nearing the end of our classes. Our social worker said there may be an immediate placement for us, or we may have to wait for some time. I'm willing to do what it takes to get the right child for us...even if that means waiting. We've waited this long--we've got nothing but time at this point.

I feel relieved to have the initial walk-through done, but I am exhausted from all of the stress. I'm turning in early tonight!

One Year Ago

2011-02-03T22:28:00.001-06:00

This post is off-topic, but still fitting for my blog.

One year ago, I sat down to watch the 10 o'clock news and my stomach instantly dropped. I had spoken to my husband a few hours before and he hung up suddenly, giving me a bad feeling that wouldn't go away. The breaking news at the top of the hour was that seven firefighters were hospitalized for carbon monoxide poisoning. The news didn't give any names, but I just knew that it was him. I frantically dialed the emergency room and learned that he was there, indeed. I ran around in circles for a little while after that, trying to decide what to do. Our daughter had been in bed for a few hours and I did not want to wake her. I eventually called my mom and asked her to come sit at our house while I went to the hospital. I waited for what seemed like forever for her to get here and then rushed out the door. I wasn't able to talk to him, so I had no idea how he was. I finally arrived at the hospital after a white-knuckled drive to town (thirty minutes from where we live) and had to stand in line to talk to the lady at the registration desk. A cop had brought in a drunk man and he was giving them a hard time. After about twenty minutes of standing, I asked someone else in scrubs if they could give me any information. She told me only the lady at registration could. When I was able to speak with her, she let me know that he had been released ten minutes prior. I rushed out the doors and over to the fire station. When I got there, he was already in his truck, getting ready to drive home. I flagged him down and we got out and hugged and talked a little bit. I was worried about him driving home, but he told me the doctor said it would be okay. (I'm still not sure if that's true or not...lol) He was sent home for the rest of the shift, though.

I was upset that he didn't call me, but he apparently told everyone not to call. He didn't want to worry me. We had a very frank discussion about how I need to know if anything happens, even if he thinks he'll be okay. He recovered after several hours on high oxygen therapy, but he was very close to having to be hospitalized overnight. They had (unknowingly) been exposed to an extremely high level of CO and started feeling light-headed after just a couple of minutes in the house.

I usually feel pretty confident in my husband's abilities and the reliability of his co-workers to keep him safe. I don't typically lose a lot of sleep over his job. However, I had a hard time coping with this particular incident. He and his fellow firefighters could have easily died--another minute in that house could have been the end of them. I'm so thankful that they are all here with us today. I don't know what I would do without him.

Look What I Can Do!

2011-01-29T21:06:00.000-06:00

Today, I spent allllll day at my mom's house learning to sew. I think the last time I touched a sewing machine was in 8th grade Home Ec. when I did a horrible job on my quillo. When I chose this pattern and material, my mom said she'd help me with it, but that it would be my project. She helped me understand the instructions and get started. She guided me the rest of the way, but I did all the cutting and sewing on my own.

This is the quilt. I need to sew the batting and backing on and then it will be complete.

This a piece of the crib skirt. I have some detail stitching to finish on the rest of the pieces and then need to sew it to the base. (Note the crib and the white breathable bumper :D )

ABC's

2011-01-29T09:31:00.000-06:00

Our social worker asked us to write a letter to our future child and provide some pictures for them to see before coming to our house. I decided to make an ABC book instead. I'm still working on A and Q and am open to suggestions! Here are a few of the highlights:

I Lost a Subscriber :(

2011-01-29T09:09:00.000-06:00

Something that is a little bit exciting for me is to watch the number of subscribers to my blog. Thus far, the numbers keep going up. However, today I noticed that I lost one. I'm sorry if I've offended anyone, but these are my feelings here in black and white.

My last post was a vent, obviously. Writing is cathartic to me and allows me to get everything out on "paper" so that I can go about my merry way in real life. I am extremely grateful for the blessings I have in my life. My husband and daughter are my world and as long as I have them, I can keep going no matter what curve ball is thrown my way. I don't sit about the house and feel sorry for myself (generally), but this journey is a long and arduous one...and I've only just begun. Having a safe place to discuss how I'm feeling at any particular moment helps me tremendously. Knowing that people read what I write makes it feel worthwhile to put out there. So, hang in there with me. I'm not perfect and I have my bad days. I'm sure I'm not the only one. :)

One Step Back

2011-01-26T22:31:00.001-06:00

Maybe today isn't really a step back, but I'm feeling angry. I'm angry that we lost our baby well over a year ago. I'm angry that (nearly) everyone else can get and stay pregnant. I'm angry that I probably caused my own miscarriage, but had no idea that I was harming my unborn child. I'm angry that I said, "I'll never do this again," when I felt the first waves of morning sickness. (Two days later, I miscarried). I'm angry that I'll probably never feel a baby kick or experience birth again. I'm angry that I'll probably never get the chance to attempt nursing again. I'm angry that we'll probably never have a son who looks just like his daddy. I'm angry that the only way we are going to be able to build our family is through adoption. I'm angry that in order to adopt, we have to jump through hoops and cut through red tape. I'm angry that a child we become attached to may end up back with their abusive/negligent birth parents, despite everything we've already been through.

I don't always feel this way and I haven't even been sad lately. My feelings do not diminish my desire to adopt. However, today is hard. I suppose I'm still bouncing around in the stages of grief.

Blog Award!

2011-01-19T17:00:00.001-06:00

I just received a comment that I have been recognized as "Stylish Blogger" by the author of All You Knew Was Love. Click on the link to visit her blog!

There four rules that go along with this lovely honor:
1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you this award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 15 recently discovered great bloggers.
4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award!

Seven things about myself:

I sing, both in a choir and as a soloist.
I'm not a very good housekeeper, but I'm working on it.
I'm majoring in English Education.
I'm almost always cold.
I still crave foods with gluten and have slipped up a few times (on purpose).
I love a good deal. I almost always shop around to get the best price.
I had a difficult time coming up with random facts about myself!

A Big Purchase

2011-01-14T15:08:00.001-06:00

I've been contemplating buying a crib for some time now. While our social worker makes it seem like three-ish months is a long time to become licensed, I think it isn't much time at all to prepare. (Not that I'm complaining; I just need to get moving!) Yesterday, I found a crib at Target on clearance. They only had one left, so I asked if I could purchase it and then pick it up today. They said they didn't hold things, so I tried to think of a way to take it with me. It certainly wasn't going to fit in my car. My mom's car is smaller than mine, so that was out. My husband (and the truck) were at home, 30 minutes away. Then, I remembered that my brother has an SUV, so I called him. Thankfully, I was able to get it. It still isn't at our house yet, because my husband will have to get it from my brother's house tomorrow morning when he gets off work. I can't wait to get it put together!!

This is the crib:

...and this is the fabric I have picked out to make the quilt, bed skirt, and curtains.

Our Family Through a Child's Eyes

2011-01-12T22:11:00.000-06:00

The class we are going through to be eligible to adopt stresses the importance of the entire family's participation--including the existing children. My daughter was asked to draw a picture of her family, including the new sibling she hoped to get. This is what she drew:

The red person is my daughter, the tall person in the middle is my husband, and the other tall, blue person is me. She hopes to get a baby brother or sister, so the baby is pictured in the lower left-hand corner, appropriately, lying down.

Plowing Through

2011-01-12T10:47:00.000-06:00

At this point, I've made my way through nearly all of the paperwork. Unfortunately, some of the questions have unearthed some demons I would have rather forgotten. I know it is necessary for the process, though. I've made a list of the things we have to do to the house before our home visit. Thankfully, it isn't terribly long. I've read about half of the first of six books. I waver between being so excited that I can't stand it and asking myself what in the blue blazes are we getting ourselves in to.

I'm going to attempt to focus on the positive during this whole process, which is going to be hard. It is scary to hear the stories, but I have to remain steadfast in our desire. I'm doing a lot of praying and positive visualization. I hope to be able to keep it up! All of your support means more than you know!

One Down, Six to Go

2011-01-08T18:43:00.001-06:00

Today was our first foster/adoption class. We met at our church in our little town, so there was no need for extra commuting to the next biggest town. (Like I thought we would have to originally). My pastor and her husband joined us along with one other couple. Our social worker is very personable and casual, which is nice. She gave us a lot of information, including a lot of (what I think were) horror stories. I could feel my fight or flight instinct kicking in, but I told myself that all the examples she gave were teenagers. I also reassured myself that the right child will come to us at the right time, and that God will not give us more than we can handle.

She told us that it will take about three months to become certified and ready to accept children in our home. She made it sound like that was a long time, but after more than two years of waiting for another child, three months is nothing. Not to mention the fact that we'll probably need that much time to have everything ready.

The picture above is of all of the paperwork we were given to fill out today. We don't have to have it all ready by next week, but it will have to be done soon. After all, we only have six more classes. Our social worker will meet with us in our home three times in addition to the classes.

I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed at this moment and maybe somewhat disillusioned, but I'll push through. I know all of this will be worth it in the end.

A New Song Addition

2011-01-07T11:11:00.000-06:00

Katy Perry performed "Firework," on the "Home for the Holidays," special. I hadn't listened very closely to the lyrics before then, but after reading them, I had to add it to my blog playlist:

Firework

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting throught the wind
Wanting to start again

Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards
One blow from caving in

Do you ever feel already buried deep
Six feet under scream
But no one seems to hear a thing

Do you know that tehre's still a chance for you
Cause there's a spark in you

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gunna leave 'em fallin' down-own-own

You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe you're reason why all the doors are closed
So you can open one that leads you to the perfect road

Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it's time, you'll know

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on slet your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gunna leave 'em fallin' down-own-own

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It's always been inside of you, you, you
And now it's time to let it through

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

It's Everywhere!

2011-01-06T09:06:00.000-06:00

A couple of weeks ago, we watched, "Home for the Holidays." It is put on by the Dave Thomas Foundation to raise adoption awareness--specifically adoption through the foster system. They even featured the agency we are going through. It was an emotional experience to watch it.

Also, "Brothers and Sisters," has a story line about a gay couple adopting through the foster system. They had a long journey coming to that decision, and it somewhat goes along with our own story.

I talked with another mom at my daughter's dance school yesterday about our plans, and she gave me some good information. She works for SRS and has worked with foster children and the system for many years.

I constantly feel like I'm being reminded that this is the right thing for us to do--that this was the plan all along and that we are only now privy to the information. We begin our class on Saturday. I can't wait!

It Won't Be Long!

2010-12-21T17:31:00.001-06:00

Our social worker called me just a little while ago. She told me that our meeting on January 8th will actually be our first class. We will be going through the DT (Deciding Together) class, rather than the MAPP class and it will only take about seven weeks. If everything goes according to plan, we should be finished around February 19-20! Then, we will be ready for background checks and a home visit.

Anxious

2010-12-19T21:07:00.001-06:00

Now that school is over for me for the semester, I have a lot more thinking time. I'm starting to feel anxious to get our adoption journey started. January 8th is 20 days away and it doesn't seem like it can get here fast enough. Thankfully, Christmas is nearly upon us, my little brother is coming "home", my dear friend is coming to visit, and we will be heading to Arizona for a week vacation. I'm shopping tomorrow with a friend and then will do some work around the house. I also still need to wrap all of our gifts. Time will fly, but the few days before everything starts up will crawl by. I hope I can get some sleep!

A Meeting Set!

2010-12-13T16:11:00.000-06:00

On January 8th, we will be meeting with a social worker to get things started for fostering to adopt! I'm so excited!

I still haven't heard about the private adoption situation, so I'm fairly confident that the opportunity has passed and that it isn't meant to be.

No News and Good News

2010-12-06T17:30:00.001-06:00

No news:
We have yet to hear anything on the potential private adoption situation, so I'm not holding my breath that anything will come of it.

Good news:
The recruitment officer from the foster/adopt agency we have visited with called me today. It sounds like she wants to get things moving for us as soon as possible. She plans to take a day soon to do a walk-through in our house to give us a head's up on what will need to be taken care of prior to our home study. She wants to do our fingerprinting and background check on the same day. It also sounds like they want to put is through the more accelerated class, which will take less than seven weeks to complete.

We'll plan to continue on with our plan to foster/adopt. If anything changes, we'll do what is best for us. I need to leave this in God's hands and trust He has a plan for us and the child who is waiting to come into our family.

Feeling Cautiously Optimistic

2010-11-27T19:10:00.001-06:00

Today, I heard about a potential match for us for a private adoption. We had all but given up on private adoption because of the costs involved, but this situation is different. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much, because I know the possibility of the adoption not happening. However, I am being cautiously optimistic. Hopefully we will be parents to a new baby boy this coming May!

Thanksgiving

2010-11-25T08:54:00.000-06:00

Today is Thanksgiving and it is a time to count our blessings. I always try to write out what I am thankful for so that I can look at it when I am feeling down and discouraged.

I am thankful for my beautiful, funny, smart daughter.
I am thankful for my handsome, hardworking, husband who keeps me laughing.
I am thankful for our marriage and that it feels like it gets better and better with time.
I am thankful for our health and that we three are not sick today. (Both my husband and daughter were in the last few days).
I am thankful for our modest, fixer-upper home. I love it and don't plan on moving ever again.
I am thankful for my husband's job. He worked so long and hard to get it and we will never forget that. It isn't a high paying job, but it is his dream and he excels at it.
I am thankful to have (nearly) one semester behind me as a full-time college student (for the second time).
I am thankful that I do not have to work while I am going to school. Things are tight, but not so much so that I have to spend even more time away from my family.
I am thankful for the little town in which we live and also our church.
I am thankful for my musical ability. I may not be a professional, but I throughly enjoy making music in several different ways.
I am thankful for our decision to adopt. It has been a long, painful road to get to this point, but I know we are closer to child #2 every day.

...I could go on and on! I am truly blessed.

Gut Feelings

2010-11-22T22:52:00.000-06:00

My friend showed me a neat DIY craft blog and it gave me some ideas on how to decorate our third bedroom. I went to Hobby Lobby to browse supplies and thought, "I wonder what my second child will like." At that thought, I had the strongest, most visceral feeling come over me. It was as if I was being told that we absolutely have another child soon, and that we are finally on the right path to them. I had the same feeling last night when Undercover Boss was talking about adopting children from foster care. The feeling is so powerful it almost brings tears to my eyes every time I hear or think about it.

I cannot wait to get this process started!

Because I Love to Torture Myself

2010-11-20T10:13:00.001-06:00

This morning, I took a pregnancy test. This is our first unmonitored, unmedicated cycle in two years. I checked the calendar to see when I should expect good ole AF, and it appears that I am overdue. I know that when I'm not taking Clomid all bets are off on my cycle length, so the calendar doesn't count for much. I decided to test this morning, just in case. Of course it was negative. I knew that before I took the thing.

::sigh:: I'm banning all HPT's from our house from now on.

More Signs

2010-11-10T21:52:00.000-06:00

Tonight, I caught the tail-end of an information session for a foster/adoption agency. There were five women there and I learned that three of us are from the same tiny town. The lady giving the meeting said that it will probably be possible to get a MAPPS class right here. That would be fantastic, as we wouldn't have to make another trip to 'town'. I shared this information with my husband and another friend who is interested in taking the class, and we are all excited and hopeful!

An "Aha!" Moment

2010-11-09T15:25:00.001-06:00

I received more paperwork in the mail today from a foster agency. It spurred me to question, yet again, why it is that we are being led to adopt--and if that is truly the message we are supposed to receive. Then, it hit me. Of course we are meant to adopt. You might ask what makes us so special, but I have a pretty firm idea of why.

My husband and I both had difficult childhoods. Without going into specifics, I experienced a young life of neglect and my husband experienced abuse. We came together at a young age (I was 17, my husband was 18) and clicked instantly. I believe that we were given to each other at a point in our lives when we needed each other more than we could know. As adults, we have been rejected by one facet of our biological families and have chosen to remove ourselves from another, for the sake of safety and sanity.

On the happier side of this story, we have also been accepted, nurtured, and loved by a family that is not biologically our own. Also, we have also created our own, happy family within our home. Our home is our sanctuary from the unjust and sad things in the world. While we cannot keep all the bad out, we have a positive place where we can support and uplift each other.

Because of our experiences, I believe that we can relate to an adopted child. More than likely, a child with whom we will be matched will have come from a situation similar to ours. We have truly been adopted by a family that didn't necessarily have to accept us, let alone welcome us with open arms as their own. We know that a family doesn't always mean that you are biologically related, but instead one that is open and loving--regardless of genetic makeup.

Planning

2010-11-06T20:44:00.001-06:00

We received an application in the mail today for adoption through a foster care agency that is different than the one I spoke to a few days ago. I decided to go ahead and fill it out to see how they work. On the form, they have the choices of foster care, adoption, and both. That is reassuring to me. The only hang-up with this particular agency, thus far, is that we would have to travel 30 minutes for the classes.

Also, I decided that over Thanksgiving break, I am going to begin preparations in our spare bedroom. Right now, it is kind of a catch-all, so there is a lot that needs to be done. I hope to get it painted and mostly cleaned out. Then, over Christmas break, I will get more serious. I want to look into purchasing a crib that coverts to a toddler bed. Our ideal child to adopt would be an infant, but we are also going to look at children up to two years old--maybe three years old, depending on the situation. If we have a crib, we can just take the front off and have a toddler bed. I also need to find a dresser. We have a nice rocker/recliner in our daughter's room that will need to be moved into that room (for rocking babies to sleep!). I will go through our daughter's toys to get the younger ones out and into a tub in that room.

I have spoken with several people who have experience in the fostering/adoption world, and it is reassuring to have a great network and wealth of information. I know we are going to have a million questions along the way and maybe need someone to hold our hand, so we are grateful for them all.

Wow

2010-11-04T21:33:00.001-06:00

Today is a two-fer post day. I've been listening to "For Those Who Wait," over and over lately. I first put it on my blog while we were still hoping to get pregnant. I've been concentrating on the lyrics and it hit me just now how exactly fitting it is for our situation. Here are the lyrics.

This is for those who wait

Another day, another waiting game
A little different but it's still the same
I am here, but where's the one I'm longing for?
I'm having trouble feeling all alone
Will my heart ever find a home?
I want to hope but sometimes I just don't know
I know I'm not the only one

So we sing a lullaby to the lonely hearts tonight
Let it set your heart on fire, let it set you free
When you're fighting to believe
In a love that you can't see
Just know there is a purpose
For those who wait

I want to open up my eyes
I know that all I need is time
I'm growing stronger every single day
God, I'm going to lean into You now
Letting go of all my fear and doubt
I can't do this on my own so I'll give You control
I know I'm not the only one

The pressure makes us stronger
The struggle makes us hunger
The hard lessons make the difference
The pressure makes us stronger
The struggle makes us hunger
The hard lessons make the difference
And the difference makes it worth it

Frustration

2010-11-04T14:31:00.002-06:00

I just received a call from the lady from the foster-to-adopt agency. She explained to me that they are now requiring families who want to adopt to be strictly foster parents to start. I asked her for how long, and she said it depends. Then, she went on to tell me about a family who fostered a little boy for a year. I told her that I wasn't sure that is something we are able and willing to do. If we didn't already have our daughter, maybe it wouldn't matter as much. However, I am not willing to have someone in her life (as a sibling) for a year and then have them removed. We are also not willing to take children older than her. Not only that, but it will take us even longer to adopt a child of our own if we have to foster for x amount of time.

The lady is sending us the information, but I feel so discouraged right now. First, there is no way that we can afford an adoption through an agency or a private adoption, and now we may not be able to do fostering-to-adopt. I just want to scream.

A Lady Who Knows

2010-11-03T15:53:00.000-06:00

"I have been through a lot and have suffered a great deal. But I have had lots of happy moments, as well . . .The good, the bad, the hardship, the joy, the tragedy, love, and happiness, are all interwoven into one single indescribable whole that is called life. You cannot separate the good from the bad. And perhaps there is no need to do so, either." -Jackie Kennedy.

And So the Rollercoaster Ride Begins

2010-11-02T11:36:00.000-06:00

I received a letter today from the adoption attorney, outlining her services and what to expect along the way. She requires $5000 to be placed in a retainer account at the time that a birth mother is matched with the family. She also charges $200 an hour and $50 an hour for her assistant. We would be expected to pay some of the living and medical expenses of the birth mother up to six weeks after she has given birth. In order to have more extensive information sent to us, we must respond with a $250 check.

Compared to working with an agency, her fees are next to nothing. However, it is still a lot of money for us to just write a check for. I don't know how we'd be able to do it, particularly knowing that the birth mother could back out at any time, leaving us with nothing to show for it. We would lose all of our money in that case.

I feel like we've hit a brick wall and we are barely out of the starting gate. I was so hopeful and excited before I read the letter. ::sigh::

The First Step

2010-10-30T21:17:00.000-06:00

After speaking to a woman who had a wonderful experience fostering-to-adopt in our area, we have decided to pursue it as well as private adoption. Our hope is that by casting a wider net, we will be successful much sooner.

I sent an email to an adoption lawyer and a social worker. I also sent an email to about 100 people and posted a link to my blog on Facebook. I'm hoping that, very soon, we will find the child who was meant for us.

We appreciate all of the support we have received already. I already have more hope and feel like we will have another child.

A Change in Direction

2010-10-28T07:49:00.002-06:00

If you look around my blog, you may notice that I've made some changes. This represents a change in direction for us. I have taken my cycle ticker and link down and also added a word to my header: adoption.

Before we began trying for child #2, my husband (maybe half-jokingly) mentioned adoption. At the time, I said I thought it was a lovely idea, but that I wanted another biological child. Two years and one miscarriage later, I am ready to pursue adoption.

We want nothing more than to expand our family by one more member. We know that we have room in our hearts for another child--in fact, we ache for it. We want our daughter to have a sibling, friend, and playmate. We want to give our extended families the joy of another grandchild. Clearly, we need a change in game plan to reach our goal.

My husband and I made the decision yesterday. We have also decided that we will start the process very soon. We will begin consulting with a lawyer as soon as we can and prepare for a home study. We are also going to let anyone and everyone we know that we want to adopt. We are hoping to adopt through a private situation, meaning we will not go through an agency. We'll, essentially, have to find a birth mother on our own. An agency situation would be lovely, but it is extremely expensive. I cannot imagine paying $40,000 for the process. We've also considered fostering-to-adopt, but that requires eight weeks of classes, four hours at a time, to become a certified foster parent. If we didn't already have a million other things going on, we would go that route.

So, lots of hope and prayers. We need them. I know we are meant to have another child. I hope they find their way to us soon!

It's Over

2010-10-26T21:20:00.000-06:00

Just an hour after I posted my last blog entry, my period showed it's ugly face. That means we will not try for another baby until July 2011. I am devastated and angry. I don't even know what to 'say' at this point.

If you know someone who wants to give a baby up for adoption, let me know.

Watch Out for Falling Temps Ahead

2010-10-26T14:47:00.001-06:00

I stopped taking my temperature this morning. Yesterday morning, my temp fell below my 'coverline,' and the two days before it weren't too exciting, either. It is heart-breaking to believe in something and have it evade you...constantly. I had so much hope for this cycle, but I am now starting to feel the sting of defeat. Obviously it isn't over until my period shows up, but this is ridiculous. In just a few days, we will be finished trying for another baby for nine months. I shake my head at the thought that people can get 'knocked up' on accident, be on drugs throughout a pregnancy, or already have a whole slew of kids and get pregnant again...and yet we can't have just.one.more. That's it! I am not asking for too much, at least I don't think. Apparently God, the universe, whomever, doesn't think that I can handle it.

Be prepared for an even bigger rant in a few days. ::hangs head::

Confirmation

2010-10-18T09:51:00.000-06:00

Today, fertilityfriend.com gave me solid cross hairs based on my morning temperatures. That means that it determined that I, indeed, ovulated. This time, we had great timing, so I'm trying to be optimistic.

My friend and pastor's message yesterday was on the need to pray unceasingly when something is terribly important to a person. I have been doing that quite a bit this cycle, but decided to make it essential to any quiet moment that I may have. This is our last active cycle (as I've said probably ten times, now...lol) trying to concieve until next summer. I'm trying to keep the faith and ask for a miracle to be given to us now.

October 15

2010-10-15T08:55:00.001-06:00

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. I know a lot of people who are 'coming out' with their miscarriages today, which is a major step for them in their healing process. I hope that they receive the support they have been missing! I have always been very open with my infertility and miscarriage, and it has been very comforting to me to have people to lean on. (Of course, it sometimes warrants inappropriate comments, but that can't be helped. Some people don't know what they are saying is hurtful.)

Tonight, I will be lighting a candle for the baby we lost a year ago at 7:00 pm, CST. I invite anyone who has lost a baby or is close to someone who has to do the same, in your own time zone. We will be contributing to the 'wave of light' that goes around the world in honor of our beautiful angels.

One Year

2010-10-09T21:09:00.000-06:00

One year ago today, a baby who was very much wanted was lost. We didn't know until four days later. Today was our daughter's fourth birthday party. We have several balloons, so I took one for our baby. I wrote on it, "We love you and miss you, Baby K," and set it free.

Tough times...

One More Cycle

2010-10-01T12:28:00.001-06:00

I had my appointment with my OB this morning. I was very agitated before he came into the exam room, because I had to wait almost an hour to see him. I was already on edge because of my circumstances, so my hopes of having a good appointment were all but dashed. However, as the last time I visited with him, my OB made me change my tune right away. He is so personable and I can tell that he has paid attention to my chart and knows what is going on with me.

When he came in, he had a frown on his face. He said, "When I saw your name on the schedule, I was really hoping it was for happy reasons. When you left my office three months ago, I was sure that the next time I'd see you would be for your first prenatal appointment." He told me that my charts looked good and the progesterone draw I had done my first cycle back on Clomid show that I am ovulating. He told me that the next step could be doing a complete fertility workup on both my husband and me. He shook his head again and said that he didn't feel like we needed the scans since we've been pregnant twice--the first with no trouble conceiving whatsoever, but he would get me started on them if I wanted. He recommended that if we start any testing, to start with the sperm analysis since it is easy and relatively inexpensive.

I told him that our plan was to try for one more month, then take off until next summer to avoid having a baby in the middle of a semester. Then, we would like to try again for a few months. If we do not conceive, then we would like to proceed with adoption. I told him that, in my research, gluten-intolerance can lead to infertility and miscarriage, so I wonder if my body still needs time to heal before being able to support a pregnancy. He agreed that it was certainly a possibility. He told me about a patient who had one healthy pregnancy and then went on to lose two pregnancies toward the end of the first trimester. Her father was diagnosed with Celiac Disease, so she was also tested. She was positive and went on a gluten-free diet. He said that within a matter of months, she was pregnant--with twins, no less, and was able to carry them to term.

He said that our plan was a good one and that he didn't feel like he had contributed much to the conversation...lol. I told him the fact that he was there, shaking his head yes, was all I needed. Well, and a new Rx for more Clomid. :)

I have a little more hope than I did in the last couple of days. I don't want to get overly excited, because I know it is a good possibility that we will not become pregnant, but I'm glad to have a doctor who genuinely cares and wants us to succeed. When he handed me the Rx, he said, "This is it. I know this is it!" I hope he's right!

CD 1

2010-09-30T11:58:00.000-06:00

Unfortunately, I had another negative pregnancy test this morning. That was followed by spotting and some cramping. If CD 1 isn't today, it is sure to be tomorrow.

I have an appointment with my OB tomorrow to try something other than Clomid, but I'm not sure how much we'll proceed. This will be the last cycle we try to get pregnant until July 2011. I'm very sad about that, but I know it is for the best.

My husband and I discussed adoption again this morning. He wants to have another baby, for sure, regardless of how the child comes to us. I told him that it is a real possibility that adoption may be our only option. He is fine with that, but at what point do we proceed?

At this point, I think I'd like to try again next summer, just for a last go at it. I've only been gluten-free for three months at this point, so perhaps my body isn't healed enough yet to carry a pregnancy. Maybe it will have been healed enough by then. If we do not concieve successfully next summer, we will more than likely procced with attempting a private adoption.

Have I said that I hate this process with a passion? I do. I truly, truly do.

12 DPO

2010-09-29T08:33:00.000-06:00

I took a pregnancy test this morning at 12 DPO. I wasn't expecting much, but there is always a tingle of excitement that I try to stifle. Unfortunately, the test was negative. It may still be too early, but I'm not holding out much hope...particularly since AF showed on what would have been 10 DPO last cycle.

Ho hum. I have an appointment on Friday morning to visit with my doctor about other options. We only have one more cycle before we stop actively trying until next summer.

The Two Week Wait

2010-09-24T08:33:00.000-06:00

"The two week wait," is killing me. My temperatures were not looking very good, but then I had a nice jump this morning. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, because I know there is a very real possiblity that my period will show in a week or less.

I made a consultation appointment with my OB for October 1st, yesterday. I figure he'll want to see me at the beginning of my next cycle in case testing needs to be done on certain days. I hope, hope, hope that I get to cancel it because I am pregnant, but I wanted to be prepared. I'm not sure how we will proceed if I am not pregnant, as we will probably stop actively trying to concieve after my next cycle. I don't know how we would be able to manage with me having a baby in the middle of a semester, so we will take another break. I'll be sad about it, but I know that is probably what is best for the long run.

I need a miracle!

My Story on facesofloss.com

2010-09-22T21:41:00.002-06:00

http://www.facesofloss.com/2010/09/sylvia-mom-to-baby-k-lost-on.html

Thank you for publishing my story!

Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

2010-09-18T22:45:00.000-06:00

Entering the Two Week Wait

2010-09-18T09:01:00.000-06:00

According to my chart, I ovulated yesterday. That means I have two weeks before I either get a positive pregnancy test or my period. I'm not sure what is worse--waiting to ovulate, or waiting for (more than likely) AF. Either way, I'm very impatient!

Never Forget

2010-09-11T07:32:00.002-06:00

Eleven Months

2010-09-09T08:28:00.000-06:00

Eleven months ago, we were on our way home from vacation in Colorado. We'd had a great time and enjoyed the trip as our last vacation of a family of 3. I was overjoyed at the thought of being pregnant after struggling with secondary infertility. I had no idea that the baby we wished and prayed for had passed away. Two days later was my daughter's third birthday. I talked about my pregnancy and got many congratulations. Two days after that, I started bleeding. I went to my doctor for what should have been my first OB appointment. I had a sonogram and it was determined that our baby did not have a heart beat. Late that night, I began to miscarry naturally. The next morning I had another sonogram and was told I would need a D&C. That day also happened to be my birthday.

Also, a year ago today, I got my BFP. (Big fat positive...pregnancy test). 09/09/09 is a hard date to forget. I told my husband two days later on 9/11 so that he would have something to celebrate instead of (only) feeling sad about the WTC/FDNY.

Today is a somber, sad day for me. I'm struggling with these 'milestones' more than I imagined that I would.

A Beautiful Quote

2010-09-03T09:23:00.003-06:00

From time to time, I come across things that are comforting or inspiring and I like to share them here on my blog. While searching for a quote about infant loss, I found this. It made me cry in the computer lab of my university, but I thought it was too beautiful not to post--all over the interwebz. LOL.

"They say that time in heaven is compared to 'the blink of an eye' for us on this earth. Sometimes it helps me to think of my child running ahead of me through a beautiful field of wildflowers and butterflies; so happy and completely caught up in what she is doing that when she looks behind her, I'll already be there."

No May Baby

2010-09-01T09:17:00.000-06:00

AF decided to make an early appearance today. I started spotting last night, but today there is no doubt. Today would have been CD 26, which is at least 4 days early for me. I'm a bit disappointed, but at the same time, I'm looking forward to this new cycle. As my friend pointed out, going gluten-free may be straightening my body out, which would cause AF to come in a timely manner.

This will be my last cycle with Clomid, I assume. My doctor said we'd try Clomid at 100 mg for 3 cycles and then move on to something else. This is cycle #3. Oy.

Unsure

2010-08-29T10:36:00.001-06:00

My temps are telling me that I did not ovulate this cycle, but it is hard to tell. My sleeping conditions and waking times varied greatly from the beginning of my cycle to around (expected) ovulation. I should be temping still, but I have gotten lazy in the last few days. I've essentially given up hope on this cycle, so I'm waiting for it to end.

We will probably actively try for another pregnancy until October, due to scheduling conflicts after that point. ::sigh::

Day of Hope

2010-08-19T19:11:00.001-06:00

I just found out that today is, "The Day of Hope." This was taken from http://august19thdayofhope.blogspot.com/

The Purpose of This Day
In society pregnancy, infant and child loss is seen as a taboo subject.

Why is this?

August 19th is a day to break down the walls of society that keep pregnancy, infant and child loss a hush hush subject. People view the death of a baby as just a sad thing that happened.

These babies that die are not sad things that happen. They are people, much loved and wanted children. They are brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, grandsons and granddaughters.

August 19th is about openly speaking about these children and celebrating their short lives.

By having this special day once a year we get people speaking about pregnancy, infant and child loss. And by doing this we break those walls down so that people are not afraid to speak about these children anymore.

They provided these lovely images to be shared. I couldn't choose just one:

Visual Disturbances

2010-08-16T17:05:00.000-06:00

Last night, I had something very strange happen. I went from a dark room to a bright one, and realized that something was wrong with my vision. It seemed as though my peripheral vision was in slow motion. I relaxed on the couch and everything returned to normal within about an hour. I went to bed later and realized that I needed to take my medicine, so I got up and went to the kitchen. When I turned the light on, the visual disturbance had returned, even stronger. I remembered that Clomid can cause this to happen. Generally, it is considered a bad side effect, but it did not last. So far, my vision has been normal today, but I haven't had any big changes in light like I did last night. Hopefully it was a fluke thing and will not return. If it does, I may not be able to take Clomid anymore. :(

Evil, Evil Gluten

2010-08-14T10:39:00.001-06:00

While I was at the leadership conference, I was able to eat gluten-free, thanks to the catering staff. I didn't realize that the special piece of paper in my name tag was to tell the staff that I need to have gluten-free meals until halfway through the conference. I felt a bit pretentious having special food made for me, but it was nice to not have to worry. Despite their efforts at keeping me healthy, I 'glutened' myself anyway. We went to the hotel bar and I had one drink too many, which impaired my judgement. One of my friends asked the bartender to bring something over for us to snack on. After he set the pretzels on the table, I grabbed a few and ate them. I suddenly realized that I could not eat them, but it was too late. (I'm still shaking my head and rolling my eyes at myself!) Needless to say, I'm itching ~~again~~ still. Thankfully, my legs are almost entirely healed, but now the rash is on my back and palms of my hands. Ack! I also 'glutened' myself yesterday by drinking a flavored water. When will I ever learn to read every label?!

I'm taking Clomid now, which is always a delight. Actually, this round hasn't been too bad thus far. I've had a few hot flashes, but it has been so hot outside that sometimes it is hard to tell if it is the meds or the weather. I'm hoping so much to get pregnant this cycle. I would be due toward the latter part of May, which would be perfect. I was also due with the baby we lost in mid-May, so it would be nice to have a happy reminder in May. No pressure, though. *sigh*

A Learning Experience

2010-08-14T10:21:00.000-06:00

This isn't related to this blog, but I wanted to write my feelings out about my experience early this week. I attended a leadership conference with a group from my church. I learned a lot about leadership, including one definition, "leadership is the ability to disappoint people at an acceptable rate." I thought that was very interesting...and also very true.

I also learned a lot about myself on our trip. I had several people comment on things that I had said or done, which was very much out of the ordinary for me. In fact, I laughed so hard that I cried about how ridiculous it was. I tend to think of myself as a wallflower who people do not pay much attention to. However, I feel now that people may actually be listening. As I said in the conference, that is a great tool to have for leadership, but also adds some pressure! I was also given probably the biggest compliments of my life there, which certainly made me feel good. I don't typically have much self-confidence, and this week gave me a little more. I hope it can stay now that I'm back in the real world.

Feeling Defeated

2010-08-07T10:52:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, I had my two-week follow up with my MD. I told him that I have felt so much better being gluten-free. My joints no longer hurt, my rash was clearing up, and I generally have more energy than I can ever remember. I also told him that I ate some Arby's fries coating in flour on Thursday and immediately broke out in a red, itchy rash on my hands. I also felt as though I had taken a sedative and my tongue went numb. He looked and me and said, "Hmmm. Well, your blood test was negative." He said that he doesn't know what is wrong with me and suggested that I get a Cortisone shot to clear up my rash's reappearance.

I am very frustrated that it seems he didn't hear what I told him about my absence of symptoms and then sudden reaction when I ate something containing gluten. Just because my blood test was negative, doesn't mean my symptoms don't mean anything. I've read many times that if dermatitis herpatiformus is present, a blood test may be negative, because the antibodies are in the skin, rather than in the blood stream. I said before that I didn't care what the blood results were, but it would have been nice to have validation. I don't think my doctor will take what I'm feeling seriously since it isn't show in the lab work. :( I wish he would have at least said, "If being gluten-free makes you feel better, then stay gluten-free." He didn't even acknowledge what I've been doing.

On the reproductive front, my period showed up around midnight last night. (Not sure why my fertility friend ticker is wrong, here). I'm glad to be moving on to the next cycle. I'm going to remain gluten-free and make sure we TTC as much as possible between CD 12 and CD 16. Get ready, Husband! :)

Progesterone Check

2010-07-28T15:49:00.000-06:00

Today, I had my blood drawn for a progesterone check. I hope that my numbers are high, indicating that I ovulated with the assistance of Clomid.

I've continued my gluten-free diet and am noticing a difference in how I feel. My hands no longer hurt in the morning, but they are still a bit weak. I must have accidentally eaten gluten a couple of days ago, because yesterday my rash got worse again...and I spent a lot of time in the bathroom. Regardless of what my blood tests show, I will remain gluten-free. I've heard and read time and time again that people with celiac disease do not always have dermatitis herpatiformus, but nearly everyone with dermatitis herpatiformus have celiac. That, coupled with the difference I've noticed in myself in just the past week, is enough to convince me that gluten is the enemy.

I've been dealing with a wide range of emotions lately. I'm very, very sad to be giving up gluten. I knew that I was a carb-loving girl, but I had no idea just how much I relied on gluten-products to keep me happy. There are alternatives, but none that I've found so far are as good as the 'real' thing. I'll learn to like what I'm eating, though, if it is for the greater good of my overall health. Thankfully, the internet is a great source of information and resources!

Going Gluten-Free

2010-07-23T19:13:00.000-06:00

Today, I had an appointment with MD. I talked to him about my joint problems, my rash, and my infertility and miscarraige. One of my husband's coworker's kids were just diagnosed with Celiac Disease, and my symptoms sound very similar to theirs. My doctor said that my rash is a combination of eczema (which I knew I had) and Dermatitus Herpetiformus. The DH is related to Celiac Disease, or at the very least, a gluten intolerance.

So, as I await my test results, I am going on a gluten-free diet. If I have CD, it is a possiblity that eliminating gluten from my diet will be a cure-all for my problems...including infertility.

I'm sad about cutting out some of the foods that I enjoy so much, but if it makes me feel better and allows me to get and stay pregnant, I'm all for it.

A Song for Our Angel Baby

2010-07-20T21:56:00.000-06:00

I have a mix CD in my car at the moment that I switch over to when there is nothing good on the radio. There are several Josh Groban songs on it. One is my inspirational song. This, however, is my song (of late) for our angel baby. This was the best recording of it that I could find.

Sabotage!

2010-07-18T09:17:00.000-06:00

Disclaimer: This post will contain TMI. You have been warned!

It will be a miracle if I become pregnant this cycle. I feel like Fate is trying to intervene so that I don't get knocked up!

First, I have a horrible rash of some sort all over my legs. It spread to my throat and arms. It isn't attractive and it hurts and itches at the same time. Then, I discovered that I have a yeast infection. It is on it's way out, but that, coupled with Clomid, dries everything out. I ordered some Pre-Seed to help with the issue, but it has yet to arrive. (It says it shipped on the 12th...from Missouri. It should have been here by the 14th. Grrr). So, I sought the advice of women in a similar situation as me. They recommended that I drink green tea like crazy. I happened to have some in the cabinet, so I immediately starting drinking it yesterday afternoon. I think that I had 6 glasses from 3 pm until about 10 pm. That was a mistake! I was so ramped up on all of the caffeine that I didn't sleep at all last night. I told my husband that I'd like to BD this morning before he left for work (he works 24 hour shifts), but we were both completely exhausted from not sleeping. I must have kept him up with my tossing and turning. Add in that our daughter came to bed with us some time this morning, and it feels almost hopeless. I took my temp this morning after a couple of hours of sleep, and it was way out of the range of normal for me. I'm not even going to count it. :(

On the positive side, I'm hoping to get a positive OPK today. I've never had a positive before, so it gives me hope that things are shaping up in my body. I've taken two in the past two days and there is a definite difference in the darkness of the second line. (An OPK looks like a pregnancy test. You will get two lines almost always, but the test line must be as dark or darker than the control to be considered a positive for ovulation). Even if we don't get pregnant this month, maybe that means we can next month.

Test Results In

2010-07-15T17:00:00.000-06:00

I've been anxiously awaiting the results of my hormone panel. I became impatient today, and called the office. The secretary connected me with the lady in the lab. She told me that she didn't know how to interpret the results, so the doctor would have to take a look at them. I was a bit frustrated that she hadn't given the results to my doctor before this. I want to know!

Anyway, a couple of hours later, she called back and told me that my doctor had said that everything was okay. I'm torn on the results. On one hand, I'm glad that my results were (I assume) normal. Perhaps that means it won't be much longer before we get to have a successful pregnancy. On the other hand, I was a bit hopeful that something would show up as being abnormal, and that whatever was wrong could be 'fixed'.

So, we proceed on. Today is CD 10, so hopefully ovulation will be in the next 3-4 days!

Hormones

2010-07-08T17:43:00.000-06:00

In case you were wondering (as I was) what hormones I was tested for and why, this is what I found:

Hormone to Test	Time to Test	Normal Values	What Value Means
Follicle Stimulating Hormone (FSH)	Day 3	3-20 mIU/ml	FSH is often used as a gauge of ovarian reserve. In general, under 6 is excellent, 6-9 is good, 9-10 fair, 10-13 diminished reserve, 13+ very hard to stimulate. In PCOS testing, the LH:FSH ratio may be used in the diagnosis. The ratio is usually close to 1:1, but if the LH is higher, it is one possible indication of PCOS.

Estradiol (E2)

Day 3

25-75 pg/ml

Levels on the lower end tend to be better for stimulating. Abnormally high levels on day 3 may indicate existence of a functional cyst or diminished ovarian reserve.

Luteinizing Hormone (LH)

Day 3

< 7 mIU/ml

A normal LH level is similar to FSH. An LH that is higher than FSH is one indication of PCOS.